2012, Bring It On!

(January 3, 2012 - 3:16 AM)
/ The last night I'd be falling apart. :') /

2011 has been a tough year, I shall say. And with that, I dare not say every single event that happened way back then. I've been trying to figure things out lately, and I've really been through a lot of reminiscing. I've been telling myself to do this, to do that, to leave this, to leave that, to forget this, and remember that. The last days before 2011 ended were filled with emotions at its highest and lowest points. Drama took over me, as I tend to be nostalgic of what I've lost and what I've been missing. But as the year ended, my life has been filled with so much happiness as I realized that despite everything, I'd always have the most unconditional love one can ever have - our parents' love for us.

But these nights are really begging me to fall apart. I am not at my best condition, I shall say. I still have these questions in my mind which are left unanswered. I still have these issues which are left unresolved. For the past few months, I've seen myself holding my head up high. I thought I was that strong, that I was able to get over things that easy. That I was able to wear those laughter and smiles like I haven't been broken. But I was wrong. I am still not over things, and I am still trying to mend my broken heart.

And now let me share to you what changed in me since that heart break. I used to believe in forever, in true love, in those romantic conversations. But now, I honestly don't get any point on their existence. Or maybe, I just could no longer see love (in a romantic sense) as something real, as something which could last forever. I could only see it now as an emotion. The one that isn't stable, the one that could change -- at any moment in time. Then, I've realized... that when someone ruined your so-called forever, it really becomes hard to trust anybody else again. This made me come up with a conclusion: that what I need is NOT a knight in shining armor, NOT even a prince charming NOR some sort of savior. What I need is someone who could make me realize that I am no longer broken, that I am no longer beyond repair. That I am as good as I was, even better, or even at my best.

.... That I am good enough. Even when I'm really not. I could never be good enough. I don't have the perfect package, as any guy would look for. Well, I am just myself. Imperfect, full of impurities, name them. Oh well, whatever. Enough for that self pity part.

I just wanna say that for now, I am bracing myself for a wonderful year. Because despite all the negativity on my mind today, I am moving forward. I know I'll make it through. I've got so much goals for myself and for my family, and that's where I am focusing now. I am not saying goodbye to the past, for I know I'd still refer to it in case I forgot what I've learned before. But I am not letting myself drown into these memories and sulk myself in depression just because I am not romantically loved now. I know what I need more. And I know what I have to let go of.

So 2012, BRING IT ON! ;D