Saturday, October 24, 2009

why can't you see?

haha. okay. so another blog here.
it's really been a long time since i last updated this, so, i guess there were important events in my life which i haven't posted here. that doesn't concern you anyway. haha. i'm just sharing.
so basically, i am blogging today because i feel like it. and i have to say something, that i just don't know where in this world i could say it. haha. so, expect that this post would be just filled with questions and stuffs. and it may sound like im talking to someone, k? haha. :D

hhm. how do i begin this? haha. i really don't know. ((: but well, i'll try my best to speak out. haha. there. questions in my mind just popped up while reading your question to me. I was like, "are you just too blind to see it? or too numb to feel anything? do you think there's anyone else besides you? oh wait. have you ever even thought that all this time, there's no one else but you?" psssh. idk. maybe everything were really lies. maybe i was the one who really had a mistake for feeling this way. maybe it has all been my fault from the start. "i should not have expected too much."

no, i'm not annoyed, as i may sound to you. i am just feeling weird about this again. for these past weeks (or even months), we've been this way. yeah, it was really good and nice at the start. we always talk, we joke around, we always have ways to communicate, and we always have our time for each other. those moments may not have any meaning at all, they may just be some ordinary days, but i tell you, it doesn't feel that way. idk what's on my head, but indeed, it all meant a lot to me.

but things have changed - whether we admit it or not, there are some things that have changed. school made us busy, and other priorities in between. we seldom talk now, we act so weird, we talk like strangers, we communicate only once a week (and that one day could even be gone at times.). there's a distance between us, a wall, or a barrier. in that case, i felt like feelings also have changed. no, not really on my part, but in yours. would you blame me in feeling this way? i mean, feeling like i don't mean anything to you, feeling like you don't even care bout me, feeling like you left me hanging, and feeling like you only made me feel special before, when in fact i am really not? i could not feel you now. i could not even tell if this thing's real or not. But behind all these, i shall say, that i still believe that *something* still exists, somehow. i still believe that you are someone to me. i still believe you. and that may be too stupid for me to say.

things have been unclear. and we shall admit it. SWEET WORDS could never really be an assurance that someone treats us extraordinarily. we used to have them right? those words that could even make someone feel special. and it's really weird to figure out that things go opposite for us. i mean, we have those words when we're only a new item. but as we know each other longer, those have gone. where did they go? idk. and honestly?it feels awkward to act 'sweet' today. 'coz i dunno if it would be alright.

i don't know where i stand in your life. i don't know who i am to you. i don't know where i am in your heart. i don't even know if i have even been there, for real. and these things make it hard, and even harder each day. i already got used to it, but you couldn't change the fact that uncertainties still remain in me. and answers that i have been searching aren't still found. i know i don't deserve you. i know you're better when you'd be with someone else. i know there'd be a lot there who could make your heart beat. i know there are much more better persons than me. those that wouldn't nag you for your time, attention, etc. those that could understand you more. sorry, if sometimes i get so demanding. and sorry, if all this time, i could not let you know.

you got me totally over my 1st love (whom i loved for almost 4 years. that even though i've got lots of crushes in the years that passed, none of them managed to make me escape what im feeling for that person). you were there in those times when i could have broken down when i knew that he already left the country (without eve letting me know). you saved me from being totally broken, again. you served as my knight in shining armor, as they may say. you are my sweetest whatever. you are someone, you aren't ordinary, you mean something to me.
but why can't you see?