Saturday, May 05, 2012

I needed to spill this out, so yeah.

May 4, 2012. This day has been so complicated, weird, and wonderful at the same time. It's been twisted and turned, making my mood swing back and forth. (Uhh, yeah. Whatever.)

I woke up this morning with a confused mind. I was feeling unsure of what day it is, making me ask myself if I have a class today. And snap, it's 8:15 and I realized that I need to move like a ninja (again) just to make it to my 10AM class. Luckily, fate was being kind to me. I arrived just on time. Relieved... But yeah, my day just didn't start right... 

During our ASTAT class, our professor announced that the makeup class for tomorrow (which is technically today) will pursue, same time, same room. New topics will be discussed and a seat work will be given. This turned out to be an unfavorable event for me.... because I'll be having another makeup class too and the schedules are conflicting. As much as I wanted not to miss any class discussion, I'm being left with no other choice but to go for my law class. This upsets me... because I enjoy ASTAT class more. 

With a broken heart, I was actually anticipating that my boyfriend will be able to comfort me (through his mere presence) by the time he fetches me in school. Unfortunately, when I checked my phone, he left me a message saying that he couldn't make it, so we just have to meet somewhere else. So... I have to go there alone. And yes, just when I thought things might actually go better, they become even worse.

I freaked out, that particular moment when you're in a public place and you just wanted to rant and cry. Maybe it's because my expectations ruin the reality. Yes, because if hadn't expected anything, nothing would be ruined anyway. But maybe, it isn't just that.

So I was really having a bad day, and I'm no longer in the mood to meet him. Besides, he's with his sister & his cousins, too. I don't wanna face them with my oh-so-unpleasant attitude because I'm too upset as of that moment. So I stayed at school for an hour or so, trying to calm myself down. I asked for my friends comfort & I told them what's been happening to me. Luckily, my best friend has been tough on her advice and I thank her for that.

So I looked for a quiet place where I could make myself feel better. I tried to study, but my heart is just so bothered and confused, that my mind refuses to function well. So instead of pushing myself to read, I held my pen and  wrote down what I wanted to say to him at that moment. I came up with a brief statement, yet after re-reading it, I felt lighter. After some time, I decided to go. 

And I'm grateful that I did. My day turned better in so many ways. I dunno. Being with him just felt so right again. And meeting those people who are close to his heart just made it better. I'm not quite sure if they liked me, though. I'm bad at socializing with people. :( But anyway, I like him when he's with them... next to how much I like him when he's with me. 

But my day doesn't end there. My heart has been broken by the fact that a close friend (best friend) of mine is feeling bad bout how our friends tend to ignore our invitation for her mom's birthday celebration. I could feel her so much because I know how it feels to exert much effort for others but you get nothing in return. I guess I'm not supposed to spill this one here, so I won't go with the details anymore.

What made this day end just right is his phone call. And by then I realized how the barriers I've put up before are being crashed down. I'm afraid to be someone who's so clingy, again. I'm scared to go through so much pain because of being too attached to someone. But then again, I guess it's too late to back out now. I have one choice left - and that is to be fearless. To feel terrified, yet to have the courage to jump into it anyway. Taylor Swift taught me this.

PS. God has handled my day too well. He haven't deserted me. He stayed with me and He worked on His miracles for me. It isn't actually fate's will for my day to turn better, it's His. :)
This entry was posted in