Monday, July 09, 2018

And In Those Six Months. . .


It's mid-2018 and you're staring back on those 6 months which had passed you by. It's quite surprising how days went by that fast, or slow, or just the way they normally do. 6 months of thinking how to do better. 6 months of trying to make things happen. 6 months of living in the moment and reminiscing the past. 6 months of pondering on where you want to be 10 years from now. 6 months. . . 

While people are scared of getting old, I'm scared of being stuck as an impulsive teenager who just does whatever she wants, without carefully accounting for what could happen next. Admittedly, I have the tendency to just do what I want and fuck everything else. I would drop my priorities just to give way for the temporary bliss and ecstatic distraction. I see these things as my way of relieving stress and getting away from my sense of loneliness. It was fun. It was reassuring. But in those six months, I knew that it wasn't enough.

I want to build dreams and make those dreams come true. I want to see myself grow from someone I knew to someone I could barely recognize. I want to become a better person, someone who doesn't settle for anything less. I want to be emotionally stable and make decisions objectively. I want to understand things, people, and circumstances. I want to know more, and be exposed in a different world that I barely know. I want to inspire people, and tell them that I, too, have been in their shoes in one way or another. I want to make a difference. I want to change. 

I know how incoherent the previous statements sound, but, that incoherence is what I am. I am one thing, but I am another. I do this thing, but my mind suggests a different action. This incoherence confuses people, even myself. That was when I knew that I could not even decipher myself.

What holds me together, however, is that I wanna be something. I wanna be someone. And for now, just for now, maybe that could be enough.

Wednesday, January 03, 2018

9 Things I learned in 2017

Hello 2018! It's been a long while since I last posted on my blog, and damn, 2017 went by so fast that I didn't actually notice it.

It has been a hell of a ride if you'd ask me how the previous year went. There were ups and downs, and twists and turns, as we'd usually say. But if you'd ask me if I'd change a single thing from the choices I've made last 2017, hell, it would be hypocritical to say that there wouldn't be any. I would definitely enumerate everything if I could, but to keep it lighter and simple, here's a list of things that I learned from the previous year, instead:

1) Be yourself and be true to yourself

  • Do not let the opinion of other people become a hindrance for you to express who you are. We are all different in our own ways. We are oftentimes scared to show our truest self because we know how others would judge us immediately and see us differently. Fuck the world, bitches. We do not need their affirmation to become happy for who we are. 

2) Life will always have its way to surprise you

  • This is self-explanatory. Need I say more?

3) You can never fully trust anyone - be careful with your words and actions towards different people

  • I guess 2017 has its way to make me feel betrayed for a certain number of times from various individuals. Well, life's a bitch, I know. Even the most unexpected people can turn their backs on you once something more favorable comes along their way.

4) Always be kind, even when the world is pushing you to your limits

  • Learn how to forgive people and to forgive yourself. Shit happens, but it doesn't mean that you'll have to let your heart grow cold as well. Having a kind heart sets you free. It's pretty amazing once you've learned to let go of the negativity and the burden of a heavy heart. This doesn't mean that you'll let people abuse your kindness, though. Learn how to set your limits, and be kind to yourself at the same time

5) Some people will always have something to say about you - but they will never confront you about it

  • ... and usually their main reason is: they hate confrontations. Well, maybe we shouldn't be spreading words against each other then? Or probably you shouldn't be playing the "victim card" by making other people look bad so the blame will fall on them? But nonetheless, in connection w/ no. 1, the only way to deal with this is to be who you are and fuck what they say. [However, so as to avoid being blinded by your own perception, self-evaluate every once in a while. Be open to changes and constructive criticisms. This is why I admire people who try to talk things through - they make me see the things that I don't see in myself and I would disagree with them at first but would later realise that they have a point as well.]

6) Your "truest" friends will slap you with the truth, will stand up for and with you, and will probably pour some cold water on your face when you're too drunk to function

  • They wouldn't sugar-coat things to make you feel good. They would actually bombard you with the most stupid things you did and you'll probably just laugh it off. These are the best friends that I have and that I have been keeping - the ones who were there through the good and the bad, and who wouldn't judge you for the person you've become. 

7) Love will never be enough to make someone stay and time isn't a measure of how strong a relationship is

  • Damn, this one's difficult to put here but I did anyway. We would oftentimes think that years of being together and one's love for another are the two main ingredients for a happily ever after. Well, surprise! These aren't. People's feelings do change over time, and you cannot hold on to the number of years of being together to defend how strong your love is. Distance couldn't even make the love grow fonder sometimes. It sucks, I know. But having a strong heart can help you make it through. Be brave to face the changes, and life will have its way to turn things around sometimes.

8) If you want it, you'll always find a way to go for it. Otherwise, you'll end up feeding yourself with excuses

  • I know the things that I badly want, and I've been finding ways to go for it, but I guess the excuses are stronger than my will to push through. This 2018, though, I'll try my best not to commit the same mistakes again. I don't wanna get stuck anymore.

9) 2017 is just another year that I've claimed to be mine - but never really did make it happen.

  • Or maybe I did, in some way. But I've been wanting to achieve something, so until I knew that I've been brave enough to do something about it, I guess I'll continue pretending that each year's gonna be mine somehow. 2018 might be just another year again, but I'm really hoping to make huge steps to finally move forward this time.

Overall, I'm still grateful for everything that 2017 has given to me and for all the people who's been with me all along. You guys are the best parts of this year, and I know that you'll continue to be until twenty-i-don't-know-what.

So what are the things that you've learned in 2017? Or probably the things that you wanna change in 2018? Post a comment to share yours!