Monday, August 28, 2017



This post was long overdue.

We're already halfway through 2017, and guess what, nothing much has really changed.

I guess this is the point where I start questioning myself again if I am in the right place; if I chose the right job; if I made the right decisions.

When you're 24 and you still feel lost, people would normally think, "It's okay. You're still too young to have your whole life figured out."

But guess what? I don't think we are too young or too old for anything.

By this time of my life, I think I should already have at least a blueprint of where I wanna go, of what I wanna do, of how I am going to be that version of myself.

But I don't.

I'm still sketching, still doodling, still throwing scratch papers away because nothing seems perfect, nothing seems to fit what it is I have on my mind.

I am still a huge mess, an unsolved jigsaw puzzle that's left on the floor 'cause I am not eager enough to shuffle the pieces to make me feel whole.

And I may not show it, but it feels empty most of the time - waking up everyday doing the same routine, and sleeping on the same bed with nothing much going on in my mind. It feels like I'm already settling with the kind of life I have now, and that scares and saddens me at the same time. . .

because I never dreamed to be the girl who settles.

I am the girl who loves to break walls and boundaries to go to places and seek new experiences.

I am the girl who's always enthused to be challenged, who never backs down whenever she wants to fight for something.

I am the girl who never gives up despite the obstacles she's trudging.

The girl who would occasionally have a break down, but would keep on picking up herself after falling.

And the sad thing is, I don't even know who I am now.

I guess I've been settling for the past months, because I'm afraid to commit mistakes, because I am too fragile to face the reality, because I don't feel that I will ever be good enough, because the society expects me to become less of who I want to be.

There are too many limitations and I feel trapped within those walls.

And I could do nothing but to roam around the same room every single day.

To continue walking through the same path which doesn't really go anywhere.

To continue running through a treadmill feeling tired and exhausted, but haven't really gone too far yet.

To continue standing in the middle of all my anxieties and wait for something to change.

But I don't wanna wait anymore.

I want to make things happen.

I want to continue dreaming big, and making those dreams my reality.

I want to be that fearless 24 year-old, who jumps into opportunities to make a difference.

I'm craving for a sense of fulfillment, craving for change, craving for a bolder version of who I am right now.

I know I don't have all the time in the world, but I also know that it is not yet too late.

I know that I can still be that girl. . .

and that I will be that girl.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

To my Forever Guy

How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43)
Elizabeth Barrett Browning, 1806 - 1861
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of being and ideal grace. I love thee to the level of every day's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.

Looking back at how we started, I never knew that we'd last this long. We were two competitive individuals who won't back down whenever we are challenged/questioned. I lived by the books, and you lived by your experiences and innate wisdom. We were two different persons who happened to be at the same class; MGT01, how can I ever forget that?

I admired how friendly and easy going you were. Out of all the people in the room who belonged to AHR, you were the most approachable one. I wanted to go when you invited Noni and me. I wanted to know what you'd be like outside the school's premises. I wanted to belong to the group that you were a part of. I wanted to know you, as a friend.

But you got into my nerves when you came in late and bombarded us with your questions. You weren't even there while we were discussing our report! I wanted to tell you to get the hell out as you know nothing, I wanted to tell you to shut your mouth up. Instead, you saw me get burned, unable to defend myself from your fiery attack. I was embarrassed that you beat me, but I was still trying not to let you see that. I still wanted to impress you with whatever bullshit that's coming out of mouth. I'm that girl.

Months passed by, and I don't even remember what the hell happened until some stalker was texting me. I don't entertain such people, as you figured. You were that stalker who keeps on flooding my inbox by those messages that I can't even remember now. So you eventually revealed who you are.

We've never seen each other for so long since the last MGT class, then sembreak came, enrollment came, and classes started again. It was a really small school, so how come we've never even bumped into each other until like a month or so after classes had started again? I will never forget your face when we saw each other again somewhere near the bookstore (?), and I was so shocked I didn't even react. "Oh, hi" was all I could say, eh?

Then one random day I sent a "group message" asking who wanna watch that Twilight movie with me. (That GM was sent to you and Danao only :)) cos I knew you're gonna ask him if he received the same message too ) You were the only one who said YES (of course?) And uhm, I was kinda expecting that you would go with me too. And I felt unexplainable when you did.

Our first date was filled with fries and awkwardness and random stories at McDo SM Manila, and some hoping-I-held-your-hand at the movie house. I was telling you stories about my ex, and you are too. There were moments that time when I drifted away that I can barely hear you anymore. I guess I was too busy trying to figure how I was feeling that day. (It was confusing man, as I thought you were gay and wtf I'm sort of developing something for a gay guy? Uh oh.)

I knew you are not a fan of Twilight, and you didn't enjoy the movie; but I'm really glad you went out with me.

Remember when you left your keys @ McDo? We made frog faces/turtle faces on our train ride before you realised that you left them there. I was your jinx, we declared.

Then we're all filled with casual convos and some late night fb chats, which made no sense at all. But sometimes I just go online hoping you'd notice me. (Did I ever tell you that before?)

December came and you've taken a Finma to your knee. I remember you telling me that and I didn't know how to respond. I was scared to show too much concern, so I held back. But right then and there, I wanted to comfort you so bad.

Hence, I tagged you on that Christmas greeting to somehow lighten up your mood and for you to notice how (pa)cute I was.

Oh and guess who the hell calls on a New Year's eve? I've never felt so special that time as I don't usually get calls on that day. While people were busy texting and posting on fb, you were the only one who had time to call people to greet them.

January, when you came back from Baguio, you've given me choco flakes and strawberry jam(?). That was so random, and I was so touched again by what you've done. Wtf are you doing? Oh, maybe he was just really that friendly guy.

Then February came and you took me by surprise. "I-knew-you-weren't-gay" day was born and damn, why have I been holding back?

Things didn't go perfectly and smoothly afterwards. We had our "not-yet" moments, our ups and downs (literally and figuratively), our nonsensical arguments (mostly initiated by my unreasonable self), and a lot more in between. Things were tough, but we are tougher so we always had a way out.

You can say that our relationship was filled with my unnecessary drama. But on another perspective, it was mostly filled with food, tv series, and corny jokes and knock-knocks. I thought we're like Lily and Marshall, not really a Monica and Chandler nor a Ross and Rachel. We're Lily pad and Marshmallow, we fly and march mellow. (Huh?)

Even the most admirable couples in tv series have their flaws. They have their shortcomings, their misunderstandings, their unreconcilable differences.

But at the end of the day, I'll always remember how good we are together, how my hand perfectly fits yours, how your armpit feels like home for my little head, how you'd laugh at my clumsiness, how your heart beats whenever I lay my head on top of your chest, how your dandruff falls from your scalp, how your eyes speaks to me in thousand different ways, how you'd find ways to surprise me but we're really bad at surprises (oh but my fave was that taco bell/turks one ❤), and most of all, how heavy we've become since the day that we've met. I'll keep on remembering the good things to outweigh the bad.

I hope, that you too, won't ever forget how our lips lock in together, as we cherish all the good things that we've gone through the past years of our lives.

I know you're still there, and I know that I'm still there, all lost among these clouds and storm. I promised before to never give up on you when something like this happens again, right? I'll keep that promise. No matter what.

So here I am, still holding on to a glimpse of our future, to Zxyllrh and Zxyllh and PugPug.

I'll always love you with all my hearrt and eunicorn farts. 

(By now I think you're already complaining by my lack of grammatical sequence/coherence. I'm sorry you have to deal with that all throughout this lengthy post.)

- Your Forever Girl