She's a Paradox - or is She, Really?

"Why are you acting like this, over and over again?"
I asked myself.

"I don't know, either."
She answered.

I don't get her.

She's some self-centered bitch who likes attention, yet she's someone who can't stand being around a bunch of people.

She'd say she understands you, yet she will make you feel uncomfortable with who and how you are.

She'd try to hear you out, but when you're done talking, she'd start to point out everything that is wrong with what you have just said.

But she also says that she's willing to look past it. She says that as long as this makes you happy, it should not bother her that much.

She says that it's good, it's fine, it's nothing. But she betrays herself by feeling otherwise at the same time.

Why is she so complicated?

She doesn't deserve anyone. She ends up destroying them in the process of feeding herself. She's a self-centered monster. She knows it. She's aware of it. She doesn't enjoy it either... but she could not stop herself from doing it, over and over again.

See, that's what she is. That's how she is.

She'd cling so much to you that she'll suffocate you in the long run.
(I'm trying not to. I'm really trying so hard to beat this girl in my head.)

She'd drown you in her, she'd embrace you with what she thinks is love.
(Isn't this love?)

She'd poison you with tears, with shallow arguments, and unnecessary self-pitying drama.
(I know I'm stronger than this. I know I am.)

She'd drive you crazy for not understanding herself.
(I'm trying to, I swear.)

She's too strong, she can't even handle who she is.
(Am I? Can I?)

Or she's too weak, she doesn't know how to deal with it.
(I don't know what you're talking about anymore...)

But this girl is something.

Maybe, maybe not.

Oh god this is insane. What have I been doing?

Okay this isn't making any sense anymore.

You should start living your life instead.

I don't know...

I think it's just unfair for people to choose me, to choose self-destruction, to choose chaos.

Wait why are we talking about that again?

Aren't we done yet?

...

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I Am

I’m lost.
The person I once was is fading into the darkness.
I am left here trapped, lonely, and frustrated.
There are a lot of things I wish I could do, but I couldn’t.
A lot of versions of myself I wish I am, but I wasn’t.
What have I done to myself?

I’m exhausted.
People expect me to be this, but I want to be that.
I think I am capable of choosing, but I am not.
At the process of making them happy, I’ve drained myself.
Now I’m thinking, “How can I possibly do something for others,
If I no longer have the energy and drive to do so?”

I’m no one.
I’ve always wanted to make a difference, to be someone.
But I’ve lost my senses, and I do not know who I am.
Constantly battling with my own thoughts and emotions,
Always searching for the right answers.
Who am I again?

It’s been a gloomy day, or has it been a year already?
I need to find my light, my fire, myself
I need to regain my enthusiasm, my positive force, my drive.
I do not expect you to understand what is happening,
But I am hoping that you’d let me do this. . .
Or the cycle will just go on, and on, and on.  –A.E. 2/9/16

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F r a g i l e

You told me that you can see through my eyes, and I believed you could. You told me that you will never go cold, and I believed in you. You told me that love’s as fragile as an unattended glass, but ours is not the same as such. You told me that we’ll make it through… but now all I could see was how I have easily been fooled by you. (euni bree)

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What Happened?

I'll tell them about us
I'll tell them about you
I'll tell them about the persons we were
     The persons we could have been
     And the persons we turned out to be

They'll ask me what now
They'll ask me where you are
They'll ask me what happened to us
      To everything we have planned
      And to those broken dreams and hearts

I'll tell them it just ended
I'll tell them there's nothing to worry about
I'll tell them that's just how things are
      Then they'll stop asking
      But I am hoping you won't

(euni bree)

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Stranger

STRANGER

Euni Bree

3/3/2015

The songs you did not sing

The words you did not say

The promises you did not mean

Where did it all go?

The life you took away

The voice you buried underground

The face I used to know

Who have you become?

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#HUGOT

Lesson for the day:

Masakit madapa at masugatan, lalo na kung dahil medyo hindi ka lang naging maingat. Sabi nga nila, ang importante ay bumangon ka, tumawa ka, tinanggap mong sadyang "careless" ka lang minsan.

Pero at the end of the day, mahapdi pa rin yung sugat na natamo mo. Pansamantala mo mang tinakpan ng bandaid hanggang maghilom ito.

So does the pain go away? Yes, eventually.

But you get to live with it first until you realize that it hurts no more.

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The Bad Habit

She feels unpretty

She's covered with lies

Bloated with insecurities

Trapped inside a thousand sighs;

Fed up.

Tired.

Sick of every one else.

She's back with her bad habits

Indulging in sweets

And what would make her feel better?

Vomitting all these. . .

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/Pride/ Games

/Her

"Thank you for not letting me know early,

For keeping me waiting for hours."

/Him

"Alright, you're welcome."

He's mad and exhausted

She's tired and hurt;

He's had a bad day

She's been on her worst week, yet;

He's clueless on how she feels

She's done taking in all the negatives;

And now they won't talk for days

For some petty 'argument'

I am telling a story of a boy who loves girl,

And a girl who does love him back;

But he goes on with his life, and so does she

Wondering when they'll get each other back...

/Her

I just wanted an apology

I just hoped he let me know early

/Him

I need to cool down...

*shuts the world off her*

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What She Wants

I wanna know the “what will be,”

‘cause I am tired of the “what is”;

I wanna see the best of me

I could no longer live like this

I wanna know the future “us”

‘cause I’d still love to see you there;

I wanna let go of the bitter past,

The things that I could no longer bear

Sick of the present,

Tired of what had been;

Scared of what will happen,

Of what I have not yet seen —

Ironic, isn’t it?

To want what you fear;

To be someone different,

To be anywhere else, but here.

iamcptvtdbyyou

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Let Me Be

You cannot decipher what I need

Well, I cannot, either —

Are we falling apart

Or is it just me?

Or is it the longing that just won’t let me be?

iamcptvtdbyyou

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Es Keyp

I do not know how,

but I’d love to get away;

Take me somewhere else.

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WH Part 2

Who's at fault, and who isn't? Why now, and why not then?

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WH?

You'll ask why,

you'll ask when,

you'll even ask why not...

You may not have the answers now, but you'll eventually figure it out.

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Indifference

I'm no longer on track
Where am I now?
Have I been wasting
         the time that I've always had?

"This time will be different,"
I keep on saying myself.
But where am I going?
           Have I lost my mind as well?

Who am I now?
Do I still know myself?
For the past three years
          I've always believed that "I can."

Take me away,
          drown me in despair.
Would it still matter?

I don't think so,
          I no longer care . . .



Euni Bree July 10, 2014 (around 2PM)

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She's Nowhere to be Found

There's this girl that I used to know

We were once so close and insep'rable

But life's been cruel and things have changed...

Light as a feather, she's been blown away

The idea of her is the only thing that remained

But that isn't enough for her presence to be felt...

I wish I could bring her back, but I just couldn't

Because the path she's chosen is far from where I am

She's gone too far, and she's gone too soon

I tried to wait but I get tired too

I used to believe that it'll be easy

That she'll come back when she starts missing me

But what's happening now? Please tell me.

The girl that I used to know is no longer here

She wanted to be free so I let her be

Isn't that what real love is?

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Futuncertainty

Who will I be? What will I become? Where will I be working? Who am I gonna be with? 

Will the life I have chosen now bring me to the path that I ought to take? Or will it just make my journey go around the same circle? 

How will I be practicing my profession after graduating and passing the board exam? How will I be taking care of my own family while managing my career? 

Are the sacrifices that I am making now will be worth it in the future? Or will it just make me regret the chances that I should have had taken? 

The question “How do you see yourself in the next 10-15 years?” has always been catching me off-guard. It’s not that I do not have any plans for my future; it’s just that they aren’t that definite yet to be expressly described. 

The future scares me to the point that it makes me shrug off the idea of its existence and uncertainty. I want to cross the bridge when I get there . . . but how will I even get there without at least having a blueprint to guide me along the way? 

Or maybe I just want to take risks and decide impulsively.

But no, I don’t ever want to commit the same mistake again.

The next time I’d be making a big decision for myself, I’ll make sure that it would be something that I have really thought about. 

But sometimes it feels like it’s already too late to run away and change the direction that I am currently taking . . . just because I have already gone too far and it would hurt to simply give everything up. 

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Isn't It Ironic, Don't You Think?

Well, life has a funny way of sneaking up on you 

when you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out

when you think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face

Isn’t ironic when you thought you’ve already had everything in control but, the next thing you know is that you’re already losing them? Isn’t ironic when you were able to get something you’ve badly wanted and not realizing its worth afterwards? Isn’t it ironic how life tests our strength and courage by making us feel weak and terrified? Isn’t it ironic how our failures eventually help us succeed in life? Isn’t it ironic that the one thing you loved the most has the greatest power to tear you down? Life, indeed, has a funny way of turning things around.

            When I first entered San Beda College, my life is partially whole and partially beyond repair. I was going through a rough time moving on from a failure I have just had from my previous school. I was in the process of putting myself back together and redeeming what I have lost. I was not completely shattered because I still have these special people supporting me in every decision I make. I was not completely broken because I still had my faith intact within me.

It only took me a year to finally feel better again. The journey has not been easy. I have lost some things I thought I never would, and I have gained some which I thought I will never have. But the irony of life haunts me back. Just when I was able to redeem myself, I have lost the most important thing I have held on to when I almost had nothing left with me. My faith crushed down, my performance downgraded, and I have forgotten who I was. My failure made me tough and my success made me fragile. After a year of hard work, there I went again, losing what I have just achieved and what I have just had.

 One academic year had passed since then. Life, for me, is more different now. I have learned to brace myself for whatever might happen next. I have decided to bring back the person I have lost within me. I have conditioned myself to be more prepared this time around. I have figured that in order to survive this game of life, I must be willing to sacrifice a lot.

Being an Accountancy student demands countless things from me - time, effort, patience, hard work and perseverance, to name a few. The irony is that even when I seem to give almost everything I could, I would still end screwing up. Once I get too complacent, I would start losing everything again. That’s when I figured that something has to change, that even though life can be absurd sometimes, you have to find ways to move forward. I could have just chosen to just let it go, give it up, and stop struggling to win it.

But I didn’t.

Because this is what I am fighting for and I know why it is worth it. The beauty, actually, is in the irony of life. Without it, I will never have to wonder and question why things turn out differently. Without questioning, I will never have to try to understand things in a deeper perspective.  Without trying, I will never get to where I want to be. And without getting there, I will never get to see the beauty of life’s irony. 

This essay was originally submitted as a requirement for Auditorial (The Official Publication of the Department of Accountancy&Taxation of San Beda College-Manila)

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Mentally Disoriented

Trapped and helpless
Lost and dumbfounded
I wish I never asked
I wish I never knew

Gullible and naive
Shallow and absurd
The argument is over
I'm never gonna win

Stepped with the wrong foot
Tripped by the other
Wounded by my choices
Damaged by accident

The past clouds my judgment
The present's filled with skepticism
Something's holding me back
But the future's pulling me through

Now the spotlight's on me
And I'm all that I can see
A step backward could make me regret
A step forward could make me upset

To leave and let go, or
To stay and perdure
A decision dependent on the other
A choice within another choice

Trapped and helpless
Lost and dumbfounded
Drowned in my introspection
Burned by my own disposition

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Things I'll Never Say

I just cried my heart out a few minutes ago.
Reality made me sad and I felt like I had nowhere to go.
It may always seem like I already have everything I want
But what people don't know is that all this time, I've only been trying to survive.

I never grew up in a big and adorable house
I've never been a princess who has always been loved
I'm one of those kids who's been used to bullying
I always strive to fit in, in this world I thought I'd love to be in.

My life has been shattered and broken apart
And each time it did, I always stood up with a stronger heart
I grew up believing that my mind could take me to places
And it's the only thing I have, for me to make it through this mess

People will judge and say things about me
People will act like they know everything that concerns me
People will try to understand who I am
But all they can see is what I have been showing them

There will always be these things that I'll never say
Things that I will try to conceal every single day
The time will come when everything will fall into place
And by that moment, I would have reached the end of this maze

My dreams will come true and I'll get what I want
The things I've never had will someday be on my hands
I'll make you proud and I'll pay you back
And the life we've had will fin'lly change its track...

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Late Monday Morning Thoughts

You are my lover and my sweetest man

Acting weird around you is just so much fun.

No one has ever made me feel this way

So I'm not letting go, I'm here to stay.

What's up with these words that seem to rhyme?

Oh I don't know baby, they just popped on my mind.

I guess I just simply wanted to let you know

That I'm thinking of you and I'm missing you so.

PS This is really a random post and I didn't actually intend to write a very short "poem" or whatever. So yeah. Good morning! :)  

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