Tuesday, November 29, 2011

"Nalulungkot ka, umiiyak ka, DAHIL iniwan ka. HINDI dahil wala na siya."

Let me quote it once again,

"Nalulungkot ka, umiiyak ka, DAHIL iniwan ka. HINDI dahil wala na siya."

Makes sense? Of course it does. I actually heard this from my best friend, as she quoted a priest who said these lines. Then these words were suddenly stuck on my head and it eventually inspired me to write on my blog again. Why?

Because I know how it feels. To be sad, depressed, hopeless, left behind, hanging and alone with no choice. Name it. We surely have went through these feelings - when people leave us, when someone dies, when a friend ignores us, or even when a loved one decided to go on with life without us. Heartbreaking. You're feeling bad for yourself. Because once again, someone has to leave you. And they left you with no choice but to accept it and just be happy for them.

In this kind of circumstance, people would usually think, "Hindi ko kakayanin pag iniwan mo ako." Or, "Hindi ko alam gagawin ko pag nawala ka." I've heard these lines a hundred times before. Witnessed it on my own. These words were usually giving a person the feeling that someone is afraid of losing them, that someone could not live without them. But eventually these words were just words. Because no matter how much we try to keep and hold on to these, they would just mean nothing when the time comes.

Some people would say, "I couldn't go on with life without him/her anymore." And some wise man would answer, "Nagawa mo ngang mabuhay noon nang wala siya. Magagawa mo ulit yan." And normally our response would be, "Iba kasi nung dumating siya sa buhay ko. Nasanay na ako na nandiyan siya."

My stand on that? Nasanay ka lang. And now that you're left alone again, you just didn't like the feeling that someone just broke your heart for the nth time. (Who does?) But the point is, you could still go on. You could be happy. You could live your life the way you did before. It wouldn't really be the same, because of the simple reason that nothing ever stays the same. It is actually a matter of choosing between being happy or feeling sorry for yourself.

Honestly, I used to believe that the lost of someone we used to value so much is the reason why we feel bad, even so depressed at times. Then I heard the words, "Nalulungkot ka, umiiyak ka, DAHIL iniwan ka. HINDI dahil wala na siya," and I started to realize how true it was. How empty it feels to be left behind. Nawalan na ako ng mahal sa buhay at alam ko yung pakiramdam. Pero ngayon ko lang narealize na iniyakan ko sila dahil iniwan nila ako; dahil iniwan nila kaming malalapit sa buhay nila na nasanay na sa presensiya at pangangalaga nila. We're not actually crying for the fact that they're gone. We're actually mourning for ourselves because we just couldn't be with them as often as we used to before, because they left us. When in truth, we should be happy because they aren't feeling the pain this Earth has to give them. God has already taken them to heaven and took away their pain.

And from this, I actually had the courage to face the world again. I could live without you, my dear friend. It won't really be the same, but I'm doing well. The sadness and emptiness I am having is not because of your absence in my life. It's more of the feeling you've given me when you walked out at the unexpected time. Didn't brace myself for that, because I've been believing in you all along. I've been holding on to promises, to those words you've said before. I'm over those romantic conversations. You were the one who used to tell me how afraid you are of losing me, of me getting tired of you, of me deciding to just leave you hanging. But who did what? Who broke whose heart? Who felt what? WHO?


Sunday, August 07, 2011

Because I Just Need An Outlet of Emotions.

"Sometimes, you have to give up on that one person. not because you want to, but because you have to."

Damn this quote, which made me think about things again. Yes, everything seems to be fine. And indeed, some things really are. Acads, family stuffs, love matters, friends, name them. But nothing's constant. Everything is subject to change. Everything is vulnerable to the so-called changes.

So let me cut this short. I don't wanna blab about every detail of what I really want to talk about.

I'm afraid. So damn afraid of changes between US. So damn terrified of what could possibly happen in the future. We both know something, and that thing will always be on our way. No matter how much we try to fight for ourselves. I guess I just need to let this out. Through this.

Walang araw na dumaan na di ko naiisip yung mga bagay bagay. Whatever those things are, we'll keep it to ourselves. Masakit, and I shall admit, no matter how much I try to just get over it, that pain wouldn't fade away. We can pretend that things are going well, but at the end of the day, we both know what's really happening. And what's bound to happen. And I'm typing here teary eyed because I know how difficult it is for us, for me, for you, most specially. I don't wanna be just a part of your memory. I don't wanna be just a fragment of your past. Because I just wanna be your present, and the future you are looking forward to. Heartbreak after heartbreak, I know I'll never love this way again. And I never wanna lose my best friend, my brother, my soul mate, my knight in shining armor, my lover, my true love, my angel, my husband, my baby, my everything. And it breaks me to pieces everytime I think of us coming to an end. After everything. After those promises, those dreams we built together, those sweet words, poems and songs which describe our lives as one.

All I wanna be with is you. It may be too early to say, but at least it won't be too late. I'm holding on, as long as we still know we'd get through this. Together, we'll break the walls, we'll cross the oceans, we'll fly through the sky. Because I still believe in us. I still believe in you. I still believe that our love is true, and will NEVER be through.

Friday, July 08, 2011


ACCOUNTING is a METAPHOR of LIFE. – Professor Joffre Alajar

And indeed, it is. And it will always be. Studying Accounting and taking it up as your course will make you realize the reason behind his words. And as far as I am concerned, I have seen what my professor meant by that.

I have studied Accountancy in DLSU for a year, and haven’t made it further there. A heartbreaking dilemma this last summer, which tore me apart. I thought, maybe I am not good enough. Maybe I am not really for the course. Maybe it isn’t really for me. Maybe I could do better with something else. Maybe I just couldn’t love Accounting. Or maybe, I just didn’t give my all. I played it easy; I relaxed and watched my own character lose herself in the process. So I ended up losing the game, instead of struggling to win on it.

That’s when Accounting made me feel bad, made me feel broken hearted – the worst heartbreak I’ve ever had. It showed me how tough life could be, for failures are really on every side of the road. Bump on it, and then you have to deal with it. And dealing with it entails being strong, being stronger, and being strongest that you can be. Standing up after every fall is never easy. But you don’t have to let yourself be filled with negativity at all times. Sometimes, staying optimistic makes you go on, even at hardest times.

And so I left DLSU – with my heart broken, with my soul damaged, with my mind cluttered, and with my pride set aside. I transferred to San Beda College, with the positive outlook that maybe this time, life would be kind to me. But it wasn’t that easy. I encountered these individuals who brought my spirit down when I was still in the process of enrolling. They say Accounting is tough here, and that I shall be shifting to their course because I couldn’t make it. I admit, those words hurt; whether they meant it as a joke or not. And mind you, I never blurted it out to anybody yet. I kept my mouth shut, as I feel disheartened of being in this course again.

But I realized, WHO ARE THEY TO JUDGE MY CAPABILITY AS A PERSON, WHEN THEY BARELY KNOW ME? Who are they to break someone’s spirit when she’s still trying to move on and start a new life again? Who are they? They are simply another set of individuals who don’t mind their own businesses. Insensitive. Inconsiderate. Oh well, what do they know about me?

The funny thing is, they became my classmates in one of my subjects this semester. But I didn’t see it as a sign that maybe, I am meant to follow their course. I saw it as a sign that I’m going to prove them wrong. And in their damn faces, I’ll show them that they weren’t able to break me down. For this time around, I’ll make sure I’m going to make things right. Maybe, I couldn’t go back in time, but at least, I have this chance now to start over again and learn to prioritize.

I know it’s not gonna be easy. But at least, I have my reasons to strive harder. For I know that Accounting, just like life itself, is indeed complicated. With this course, you’d learn to cry and get disappointed, you’d feel bad for failures and hindrances, you’d experience a lot of twists and turns in the process. It teaches us what life is. It shows us what real life is - that living life isn’t just being extremely happy and having fun. That life is more than just something to enjoy with, for at times, it is something that we must learn to understand. We’d all fail and succeed; we’d all experience good and bad times. But with Accounting, you’d learn how to deal with it; for you have been taught that life is never easy. And never will it be.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Trying to keep yourself together is so much harder than just simply falling apart.

And I've proven this. Since for the whole day, I've been trying to hold back my negative emotions to just entertain the positive ones. I've been trying to act like every thing's well, when in fact, they are not. I've been trying to conceal the pain I am feeling inside just to let people know that I am doing fine. I've been trying to laugh and smile the normal way just not to make them worry about what's going on inside my mind. I've been trying, and trying, and trying. But you know what? In the middle of those attempts to hide everything, my heart seeks for freedom, for me to release this burden I've been feeling inside.

It is painful, of course it is. Who said it's gonna be easy? But I think, this pain is just so different, that its damage to my whole self is even immeasurable this time. I wasn't prepared for this, I wasn't ready to feel like shattering again. Just when I thought I had it all -almost perfect block mates, college best friends, the course which I've been planning to go through heaven and hell, awesome university, and a man who has been holding my heart - every thing will just be gone. And I just have to realize that I need to start over again. For the game I've been trying to play is over, and the race I've been trying to finish is done.

But I've got nowhere to go. With this shattered dreams and broken heart, I don't know which is the right path and which is the wrong one. I don't know which one to take, and which one to abandon. My back up plans were all useless. For once again, I am on this battle alone. Trying to figure out what to do for the next years of my life, trying to figure out which of what I have had in my freshman year in DLSU would stay with me even when I'm gone.

I know I could get over this easily, if only I know that I wouldn't lose SO MUCH. But F*CK this life, I am losing A LOT. Everyone and every thing which I have been holding on to is barely on my hands. With these people I've been with for a year of extremes, I'd only be left by their sweet memories. No, I am not exaggerating. For really, life is different when you're with them. And life indeed s*cks when they're not with you. And once I become too far away to catch up with what's going on with these people I have learned to love, I fear of losing the bond I had with them, the memories we all made together and apart, the life we've been trying to build up, and the family that we have formed from the start. I'm afraid to be forgotten, to be left behind, to be just a part of the past. And I'm also afraid that I might do that to them, when time wouldn't find its way.

It isn't just about the exam I took twice and failed twice, but it's about everything that comes along with it. It also concerns this guy, whom I am too afraid to lose. Once we'd really be apart, I don't know what the hell would happen next. Could we still work things out, despite the fact that there are so many hindrances along our way? Could we still manage to give time for each other, or just simply let ourselves drift apart? Could we still be in love the way we used to? Honestly? I am afraid. I'm afraid to be left behind. I'm afraid to be replaced. I'm afraid that while we're apart, he'd meet that one person who'd prove him that someone's so much better than me. It's not just a matter of being in love or a matter of having a strong trust. For there are these times when you don't really know how far you'd be going to survive a mutual relationship to make it work like what you've been promising to each other ever since. For people change, and emotions too. :(

Life could really be so taft tough. There'd be times you'd feel so whole, then all of a sudden, you'd feel you're already breaking into pieces. I've never felt so much pain before. This is the greatest one, so far. This pain is just so real. This heart break is even more than the pain that a first love can bring. This heart break is immeasurable.

And I know that while I've been going through this pain, through this "keeping myself together while in front of people" thing, my parents' hearts are breaking too. I couldn't cry in front of them, because I want to be the one staying strong for them. I wanted to make them feel that I'm fine, that I'll get over this too, that I just could go along. I wanted to make them believe like nothing really happened. Even though I know that they are really aware of what's going on, not just in my life, but also in my mind and in my heart. I know they could feel that my heart is shattered this time, and that my eyes are just trying to hold back the tears for what I am experiencing right now. These two people in my life, are just hurting the same way I do now. And I regret making them feel that way, making them feel sad, and disappointed at the same time. I regret breaking their hearts, more than I regret mine.

But then again, life goes on. For each fall you take, you have to get up and be yourself again. You have to face the battle continuously, like you've never failed before. But that's one thing I just can't do now. That's one thing which is just too hard as of this moment. But I know, God has plans for me, for us. He'll never give us anything we could not survive. And He'll surely not let us stay in this dark corners of our lives, without showing us the light to get out of it.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Exactly the feeling right now.

If only I could go back in time, I'd do it better. I won't be wasting time. I'd spend every minute & every second as if those would be the last moments in my life. As if there wouldn't be any second chances or third or even fourth. Life's just too short to keep on settling for what is fine, for what is good enough. Most of the time, you have to make the best out of every opportunities you have. You have to always give & do your best. 'Cause, really, what I've realized, being JUST ENOUGH isn't really enough.

Monday, May 09, 2011

Tuloy na tuloy na, pero hindi pala.

Minsan, hindi ko maintindihan ang mga pangyayari. Bakit ganito, bakit ganyan. Hindi ko rin lubos maunawaan kung bakit may mga bagay na nagaganap, at may mga bagay na nauudlot. Bakit nga ba ganun? Pag nakaplano, hindi matutuloy. Pag biglaan, sige-sige nalang. Kaya siguro minsan, mas maganda ang kinalalabasan ng mga biglaang lakad, yung mga hindi matagal na hinintay at pinag-usapan. Kasi yun, kapag biglaang hindi narin natuloy, hindi gaano masakit. Madaling intindihin, at madaling unawain.

Bakit ko nga ba nasasabi ang mga ito? Saan nanggagaling ang mga salitang binibitawan ko? Marahil ay nais ko lamang maglabas ng anumang nasa isip ko ngayon, at ng kung anumang nararamdaman ko. Hindi ako magbabanggit ng anumang pangalan, o partikular na pangyayari. Ang nais ko lang naman ay ang maibuhos ang saloobing buong araw kong tinago, hindi dahil sa ayokong magkwento, kundi dahil mas gusto kong makapag-isip nang walang halong panghuhusga ng ibang tao sa mga nangyayari.

Sa halos buong araw na pag-iisip, napagtanto ko na may mga bagay na kahit gusto kong intindihin, ay hindi ko parin lubos na maintindihan. Siguro, hindi kasi lahat ng bagay ay iniintindi, minsan, mas angkop na tanggapin nalang ito. Kaso, hindi ba yun ang nakakagulo? Kasi paano mo matatanggap ang isang bagay na hindi mo naman ito lubos na nauunawaan? Hay, ewan ko ba. Siguro ganoon nalang talaga. Hindi lahat ng bagay madali. Gaya nitong tinatype ko sa blog na ito, ni hindi ko mapagbuklod ang bawat ideya na tumatakbo sa isip ko.

Mabalik tayo sa mga usapang natutuloy at nauudlot. Bakit nga ba ganoon? Kung kailan anjan na, maghahanda ka na, malalaman mo nalang na may pangyayaring makakahadlang sa napag-usapan na? Tapos, bigla nalang, wala na. Sira na ang lahat. Sira narin ang araw mo. Sira na ang lahat. Wala ka naman ding magawa kasi, sino ka ba, hindi ba? Hindi mo naman kontrolado ang lahat. Kaso, ang mahirap lang, yung pakiramdam na, ang tagal mong hinintay. Umasa kang matutuloy. Pero sa araw ding iyon, malalaman mo na hindi mo na kailangan maghintay pa. Hindi mo na kailangang umasa pa. Kasi wala ka narin palang inaasahan. Yung inakala mong magiging magandang araw, nasira na. Yung inakala mong makakapawi ng hirap sa matagal na paghihintay, nawala na. Ang sakit diba? Pero wala kang magawa. Lagi nalang walang magawa.

Bukod pa doon, ang sakit ding isipin na ganun nalang, na hindi na natuloy, na wala na, tapos. Move on nalang. Ano pa nga ba diba? Ni wala manlang, "sa susunod ganito ganyan", "wag ka mag-alala, gagawan natin ng paraan", "sa ibang araw nalang". Ay, meron pala. Pero, huli na. Nasira na ang araw mo, ayaw mo nang umasa sa kung ano pa. Wala ka narin sa mood sa kung anong lakad pa. Sabi nga nila, tanggapin mo nalang. Nanjan na, nangyari na. Hindi naman sa tinatanggihan mo na matuloy pa ang naudlot na plano. Hinintay mo din yun eh, at siyempre, gusto mo talagang matuloy yun. Pero yun nga lang, nandun na yung pakiramdam na hindi ko maintindihan. Alam niyo yung pakiramdam na sira na lahat? Gusto mo nalang ng oras sa sarili mo? Kasi nakakapagod nadin magbigay ng oras sa ibang tao kung minsan. Tapos, madalas ikaw yung nag-aadjust, kasi kung hindi, sino pa?

Hindi naman sa nagrereklamo o ayoko na nito. Sa pag-iisip ko sa mga panahong pinili kong manahimik at walang kausapin na kahit sino, may mga bagay din akong naunawaan, at napaliwanagan. Hindi naman sa hindi ko naiintindihan ang naging rason ng hindi pagkakatuloy ng isang bagay, dahil sa totoo, naiintindihan ko naman. Naging masakit lang talaga at mahirap. Kasi hinintay mo, umasa ka, pero wala na naman. Tinanggihan kong tumuloy pa nung tinanong ako kung gusto ko pa talaga makipagkita dahil ayoko ding ipilit pa. Gusto kong makipagkita, siyempre, at hindi na tinatanong pa yun. Pero may mga bagay na sadyang nag-iwan na ng marka, at kinakailangan mo pa ng oras para mabura ang markang iyon. Kaya tumanggi ako. Nakabuti narin nga iyon dahil nagka-oras ako na unawain at palipasin ang sama ng loob ko.

Sa ngayon, maayos na ako. Okay na, kumbaga. Ayoko ring matapos ulit ang araw nang hindi maayos ang lahat. Ang hirap na nga diba? Matagal na kayong hindi nagkakasama, ganoon pa. Mas gugustuhin ko parin namang tanggapin at intindihin nalang, kesa ilang araw nanamang magtampo at magsawalang imik dahil lang sa mababaw na pangyayaring ito. Natatakot lang ako, na baka dumating sa punto na mapagod ako sa ganito. Sa paghihintay sa wala. Ilang beses na ba nangyari, hindi ba? Gayunpaman, wala akong isinusuko. Lumalaban parin ang sigaw ng puso ko sa mga duda ng isip ko. Pero sana manlang, maiparamdam mo din sa galaw at kilos mo, at hindi lang sa salita ako aasa sayo. Na pag dumating ang araw na mas malabo at mas mahirap na ang lahat, hindi mo din ako isusuko. :|

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Just Go With It.

Today, I went out of my crib to study with two of my beeeeest and awesome friends. We're really supposed to study, but we ended up chatting with each other, eating, and watching a movie. That was really fun, I should admit. I miss these people, and boredom was finally killed. But it doesn't end with that. Behind the happiness I am feeling while I was with them, a lot of things were running on my mind. Doubts, uncertainties, fears, and every single thing that concerns about what will happen next.

What will happen next? What will happen with my life if I didn't make it, and everyone close to me does? What will happen if he made it, and I didn't? What will happen if things go the other way around? What's waiting for us? What's waiting for me? What could possibly life be by then?

It drives me crazy to think about What if's, or sort of like those. Over thinking makes me feel like I'm going insane. But hello, what if things aren't meant to be? What if things would go differently? What if the whole life I have been living in the first year of my college life was not the life meant for me? What if things suddenly change? Would I be ready for that? Would I be prepared enough to face them all and survive? Of course, I would and I could make it through. Of course I'd move on. But how long would it take me to absorb everything and accept them? How could I take the pain of just letting it go? Okay. I'm over dramatic. But I really just couldn't imagine how different life could be once everything starts to change. AGAIN. And it's not the same now. I know this time, it's HARDER.

Nothing stays the same. Change is a constant thing in everyone's life. But I have this fear I am holding deep inside me now. The FEAR OF LOSING what I have right now. Those things that I have treasured long enough for me to lose them all of a sudden. A question from one of my friends earlier struck me. "Paano pag nag-end yung sa inyo ni Jeff?" Paano nga ba? I didn't answer the question, but it made me think. What if everything suddenly changes and I didn't notice I am already losing him? That we're slowly drifting apart? I don't want that to happen. i don't want to lose him. Not now. Not tomorrow. NEVER.

Another girl drama. Yes. Maybe it is.
Another over thinking about things. Well, exactly.
Another post filled with emotions I'm trying to keep. Another set of words which my heart tries to explain. Another entry that shows how I am feeling at the moment, though it may not be that exact. Just another thing about my life. And I am just going with it. I guess that's all what I have to do. Live life. Love it. Experience it. Explore it. Appreciate it. And just go with what comes along with it.

Monday, May 02, 2011

My heart seeks for words.

Almost a year. Almost a year since I wrote about my life through online blogging. I swear, I missed this. Typing exactly what's on my mind, spilling it on my own site, without being bothered if anyone I know would see it or not. I miss writing. I miss blogging. I miss this kind of life. That life where I could express everything in words, where my heart feels free from the burden it tries to keep for a long time.

College life has been fair enough. But life's really tough that obstacles would really hinder me from achieving my dreams which I have been trying to achieve for a long time. Setting aside these hindrances, I can proudly say that I've never loved a part of my life more than the experiences I had in College. It's more than my elementary years. And even greater than my High school days. It is life itself. No, what I mean is, it really consists of the stepping stones to what real life is. It is more than the childish years, more than the adolescent fears, more than my younger years. I don't know what exactly I am pointing out, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I had the change I needed and longed for. I had the turning point of my life, and now I'm struggling to survive and cope for the greater changes it has prepared.

And now, I'm no longer a girl, but not yet a woman. As quoted from one of Britney's songs. Being 18 isn't really so much of a big deal for me. But I feel like it's the point of my life where I shall prove something. Where I shall show them that people can't tell me what to believe in, and what to fight for. Because I'm no longer that girl who relies fully on what they would say to me, on what they would instruct me to do. I am no longer that girl who would believe in everything they'd be telling me. I am now that young lady who tries to find herself in this world filled with uncertainties. I am that young lady who wants to achieve something she deserves to have. That young lady who has her heart broken so many times before, and now she's needing that young man who would never let her become that wasted again. But I am not yet that woman who could do everything on her own. I still need the guidance from the people who care, who GENUINELY care. Hypocrites are out of my life. So if you are one, back off.

Writing has been my passion for years, and I've taken a long rest for that thing that I loved the most. My chosen career has hindered me from being in touch with my first love. FIRST REAL LOVE. I may not be the best writer who speaks with those words most appealing to every reader, but that doesn't measure one's passion for writing. Mine's being determined by my heart's desire, that which I have been hiding for a long time.