CPA to CPA

From a Collegian Persevering Accountant to a Certified Public Accountant

A work-in-progress for 6 years or so

My story is quite cliché - a transferee from a prestigious university who decides to redeem herself after a series of failures. Nothing seems to be worth sharing anymore, as we all could predict how this journey to becoming a CPA actually ended.

But let me just share to you the highlights of this particular phase in my life.

MARCH to OCTOBER 2015
 After graduating on March 2015, I have been set to take the boards on October to give way for my formal review. If you'd go back to my previous posts, you'll probably discover how unstable I was during those months before the boards. I went from being complacent, to being motivated, to being lost, to being depressed, to being 103% unprepared.

But I took the boards, anyway.

And guess what?

I failed.

Not conditioned. Not even an almost passer.

I never thought I was setting myself up to fail until my boyfriend actually slapped those words into my face. He was right. I hate it when he's right. I tried to reason out, I tried to come up with excuses, but the truth is, I am not exerting the effort I knew I needed to pass the exam. A part of me didn't want to. I knew I didn't want to.

I wanted a different path for myself, I wanted to pursue a different dream - my own dream. And my mind was clouded with so much passion for what I thought was the right path for me, that I end up sabotaging the present.

Regrets set in after that.

I was a failure, not just to myself, but to my parents as well. But they loved me anyway. 

Post-results dilemma comes next. Should I start working already so I could finance my own expenses? I'm 22 and I'm supposed to be earning already, but I am stuck here for this fucking board exam. Who needs titles to their names anyway? Or maybe I should try to become a full-time reviewee again and redeem myself. Or maybe not?

NOVEMBER 2015 to MARCH 2016
Yup, you guessed it right - I enrolled for review again and didn't actually pursue working full-time nor part-time. I thought that maybe, I should be focusing on review this time and should not let anything become a distraction.

But these months made me an emotional wreck - once again, I felt lost, confused, and unable to actually function very well. My motivation went from 99% to 9%. I was drowning in my own fears and trapped in my own anxiety.  I felt useless, I felt incapable, I felt so insignificant.

I thought faith could bring me back to life but no, it did not. Yes, it probably helped for a while, until I found myself screaming in pain again.

These months were excruciating.

I was needing my own support system. I was needing something to hold on to. I was actually dependent on some people to give me strength during these times that I forgot that they needed their own strength too.

And when I wasn't getting the support I thought I needed, I broke down, and I cried for nights. I was even crying every morning when I wake up. I guess self-pitying had been a hobby. I wasn't so proud of who I was during those times.

Until I snapped, and saw myself in the mirror.

I looked terrible. I feel horrible.

What have I done to myself?

APRIL 2016 
I woke up surrounded with my own tears, wounds, and pieces of me I could never even recognize. So I started picking myself up, and finally decided that this paranoia should already stop. The nightmares should be burned and forgotten. I should start moving forward and get on with my life.

As crazy as it may sound, I am admitting that talking to myself in front of the mirror actually helped me get through this month, especially in those times when I feel alone. I realized that no one could ever help me but myself.

So, I became my own knight, saving the princess who's trapped within the slave I am pretending to be.

"Believe in yourself" has been my daily mantra.

Trust me, it works.

MAY 2016
When May came, I have already conditioned myself. I felt ready, I felt like I could conquer the world. It wasn't pride that I was feeling, nor was overconfidence. It was this belief that I could make it, that I shouldn't let my anxiety overpower me once again.

That was actually an effective move until P2 happened. P2 triggered my anxiety, P2 brought back all the feels that I have managed to set aside for the past 2 months.

Damn, life. Stop being such a bitch.

--

Waiting was really the crucial part. I didn't want to check the results online, but I ended up trying to peek at PRC's website anyway. Going to Baguio with my boyfriend has somehow calmed my senses. 50's Diner was a really good anxiety reliever (lol.)

MY FAVE PART
Results came out the moment we arrived in Manila. I asked my boyfriend if we could buy an ice cream downstairs. I was on my nth stick, and we're having a conversation that went like this:

Him: Hindi naman siguro sila maglalabas ng results ng ganitong oras 'no? (They wouldn't be releasing the results at this time of the day, right?)
Me: Ano ka ba, parang 'di mo naalala yung iniyakan ko ng ganitong oras last year. Mga 1AM ganyan, nilalabas nila. Pag tulog na lahat. (Can't you remember that I cried at this hour last year? They released the results at around 1AM, when everyone's asleep already.)
*he looks at me smiling foolishly*
Me: What?
*shows his phone to me*
Him: CPA na yung girlfriend ko. (My girlfriend's now a CPA.) *he's still smiling*
Me: Ano 'to? Pinagttripan mo ba ako? (What's this? Are you joking around with me?)

It was indeed one of the most unforgettable moments in my life and I just couldn't erase that from my memory. It felt surreal, that I didn't even know if it's normal that I couldn't cry nor stop smiling. And my partner's there, sharing that moment with me.

--
It wasn't long until I sent a message to my parents, telling them the good news I knew they deserved. And this was the tear-jerker. My dad sent me a reply saying, "CPA na yung anak ko. Ang ganda ng pa-birthday ni Lord sa'kin." (My daughter's already a CPA. The Lord has given me the best birthday gift)

He isn't a man who says a lot when it comes to things like this, but when he does, it never fails to hit me hard. It's not that my mom's words were of less importance, it's just that, there are some things that are of greater impact when it comes to a particular person.

Nonetheless, I know I made them equally proud. They deserved this. They worked hard for this. And they finally made it. We finally made it.

--------
EDIT:

I think a significant part of this journey has been omitted while I was writing this post. And yes, it has been bugging me for weeks. I guess it deserves to be out here as well.

I may have written that faith had helped me only for a while, but I failed to mention how much it did wonders during the week of the boards. I have this pdf file on my phone sent by one of my closest friends; it is a book called "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. It is designed to be read daily, giving you enlightenment for that particular day of the year. I usually read mine every morning, to start my day with a glimpse of motivation.

On the day before the exams, it said:

And that's when I knew to myself that I am going to be a CPA this May 2016. 

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Trying to keep yourself together is so much harder than just simply falling apart.

And I've proven this. Since for the whole day, I've been trying to hold back my negative emotions to just entertain the positive ones. I've been trying to act like every thing's well, when in fact, they are not. I've been trying to conceal the pain I am feeling inside just to let people know that I am doing fine. I've been trying to laugh and smile the normal way just not to make them worry about what's going on inside my mind. I've been trying, and trying, and trying. But you know what? In the middle of those attempts to hide everything, my heart seeks for freedom, for me to release this burden I've been feeling inside.

It is painful, of course it is. Who said it's gonna be easy? But I think, this pain is just so different, that its damage to my whole self is even immeasurable this time. I wasn't prepared for this, I wasn't ready to feel like shattering again. Just when I thought I had it all -almost perfect block mates, college best friends, the course which I've been planning to go through heaven and hell, awesome university, and a man who has been holding my heart - every thing will just be gone. And I just have to realize that I need to start over again. For the game I've been trying to play is over, and the race I've been trying to finish is done.

But I've got nowhere to go. With this shattered dreams and broken heart, I don't know which is the right path and which is the wrong one. I don't know which one to take, and which one to abandon. My back up plans were all useless. For once again, I am on this battle alone. Trying to figure out what to do for the next years of my life, trying to figure out which of what I have had in my freshman year in DLSU would stay with me even when I'm gone.

I know I could get over this easily, if only I know that I wouldn't lose SO MUCH. But F*CK this life, I am losing A LOT. Everyone and every thing which I have been holding on to is barely on my hands. With these people I've been with for a year of extremes, I'd only be left by their sweet memories. No, I am not exaggerating. For really, life is different when you're with them. And life indeed s*cks when they're not with you. And once I become too far away to catch up with what's going on with these people I have learned to love, I fear of losing the bond I had with them, the memories we all made together and apart, the life we've been trying to build up, and the family that we have formed from the start. I'm afraid to be forgotten, to be left behind, to be just a part of the past. And I'm also afraid that I might do that to them, when time wouldn't find its way.

It isn't just about the exam I took twice and failed twice, but it's about everything that comes along with it. It also concerns this guy, whom I am too afraid to lose. Once we'd really be apart, I don't know what the hell would happen next. Could we still work things out, despite the fact that there are so many hindrances along our way? Could we still manage to give time for each other, or just simply let ourselves drift apart? Could we still be in love the way we used to? Honestly? I am afraid. I'm afraid to be left behind. I'm afraid to be replaced. I'm afraid that while we're apart, he'd meet that one person who'd prove him that someone's so much better than me. It's not just a matter of being in love or a matter of having a strong trust. For there are these times when you don't really know how far you'd be going to survive a mutual relationship to make it work like what you've been promising to each other ever since. For people change, and emotions too. :(

Life could really be so taft tough. There'd be times you'd feel so whole, then all of a sudden, you'd feel you're already breaking into pieces. I've never felt so much pain before. This is the greatest one, so far. This pain is just so real. This heart break is even more than the pain that a first love can bring. This heart break is immeasurable.

And I know that while I've been going through this pain, through this "keeping myself together while in front of people" thing, my parents' hearts are breaking too. I couldn't cry in front of them, because I want to be the one staying strong for them. I wanted to make them feel that I'm fine, that I'll get over this too, that I just could go along. I wanted to make them believe like nothing really happened. Even though I know that they are really aware of what's going on, not just in my life, but also in my mind and in my heart. I know they could feel that my heart is shattered this time, and that my eyes are just trying to hold back the tears for what I am experiencing right now. These two people in my life, are just hurting the same way I do now. And I regret making them feel that way, making them feel sad, and disappointed at the same time. I regret breaking their hearts, more than I regret mine.

But then again, life goes on. For each fall you take, you have to get up and be yourself again. You have to face the battle continuously, like you've never failed before. But that's one thing I just can't do now. That's one thing which is just too hard as of this moment. But I know, God has plans for me, for us. He'll never give us anything we could not survive. And He'll surely not let us stay in this dark corners of our lives, without showing us the light to get out of it.

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