Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Trying to keep yourself together is so much harder than just simply falling apart.

And I've proven this. Since for the whole day, I've been trying to hold back my negative emotions to just entertain the positive ones. I've been trying to act like every thing's well, when in fact, they are not. I've been trying to conceal the pain I am feeling inside just to let people know that I am doing fine. I've been trying to laugh and smile the normal way just not to make them worry about what's going on inside my mind. I've been trying, and trying, and trying. But you know what? In the middle of those attempts to hide everything, my heart seeks for freedom, for me to release this burden I've been feeling inside.

It is painful, of course it is. Who said it's gonna be easy? But I think, this pain is just so different, that its damage to my whole self is even immeasurable this time. I wasn't prepared for this, I wasn't ready to feel like shattering again. Just when I thought I had it all -almost perfect block mates, college best friends, the course which I've been planning to go through heaven and hell, awesome university, and a man who has been holding my heart - every thing will just be gone. And I just have to realize that I need to start over again. For the game I've been trying to play is over, and the race I've been trying to finish is done.

But I've got nowhere to go. With this shattered dreams and broken heart, I don't know which is the right path and which is the wrong one. I don't know which one to take, and which one to abandon. My back up plans were all useless. For once again, I am on this battle alone. Trying to figure out what to do for the next years of my life, trying to figure out which of what I have had in my freshman year in DLSU would stay with me even when I'm gone.

I know I could get over this easily, if only I know that I wouldn't lose SO MUCH. But F*CK this life, I am losing A LOT. Everyone and every thing which I have been holding on to is barely on my hands. With these people I've been with for a year of extremes, I'd only be left by their sweet memories. No, I am not exaggerating. For really, life is different when you're with them. And life indeed s*cks when they're not with you. And once I become too far away to catch up with what's going on with these people I have learned to love, I fear of losing the bond I had with them, the memories we all made together and apart, the life we've been trying to build up, and the family that we have formed from the start. I'm afraid to be forgotten, to be left behind, to be just a part of the past. And I'm also afraid that I might do that to them, when time wouldn't find its way.

It isn't just about the exam I took twice and failed twice, but it's about everything that comes along with it. It also concerns this guy, whom I am too afraid to lose. Once we'd really be apart, I don't know what the hell would happen next. Could we still work things out, despite the fact that there are so many hindrances along our way? Could we still manage to give time for each other, or just simply let ourselves drift apart? Could we still be in love the way we used to? Honestly? I am afraid. I'm afraid to be left behind. I'm afraid to be replaced. I'm afraid that while we're apart, he'd meet that one person who'd prove him that someone's so much better than me. It's not just a matter of being in love or a matter of having a strong trust. For there are these times when you don't really know how far you'd be going to survive a mutual relationship to make it work like what you've been promising to each other ever since. For people change, and emotions too. :(

Life could really be so taft tough. There'd be times you'd feel so whole, then all of a sudden, you'd feel you're already breaking into pieces. I've never felt so much pain before. This is the greatest one, so far. This pain is just so real. This heart break is even more than the pain that a first love can bring. This heart break is immeasurable.

And I know that while I've been going through this pain, through this "keeping myself together while in front of people" thing, my parents' hearts are breaking too. I couldn't cry in front of them, because I want to be the one staying strong for them. I wanted to make them feel that I'm fine, that I'll get over this too, that I just could go along. I wanted to make them believe like nothing really happened. Even though I know that they are really aware of what's going on, not just in my life, but also in my mind and in my heart. I know they could feel that my heart is shattered this time, and that my eyes are just trying to hold back the tears for what I am experiencing right now. These two people in my life, are just hurting the same way I do now. And I regret making them feel that way, making them feel sad, and disappointed at the same time. I regret breaking their hearts, more than I regret mine.

But then again, life goes on. For each fall you take, you have to get up and be yourself again. You have to face the battle continuously, like you've never failed before. But that's one thing I just can't do now. That's one thing which is just too hard as of this moment. But I know, God has plans for me, for us. He'll never give us anything we could not survive. And He'll surely not let us stay in this dark corners of our lives, without showing us the light to get out of it.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Exactly the feeling right now.

If only I could go back in time, I'd do it better. I won't be wasting time. I'd spend every minute & every second as if those would be the last moments in my life. As if there wouldn't be any second chances or third or even fourth. Life's just too short to keep on settling for what is fine, for what is good enough. Most of the time, you have to make the best out of every opportunities you have. You have to always give & do your best. 'Cause, really, what I've realized, being JUST ENOUGH isn't really enough.

Monday, May 09, 2011

Tuloy na tuloy na, pero hindi pala.

Minsan, hindi ko maintindihan ang mga pangyayari. Bakit ganito, bakit ganyan. Hindi ko rin lubos maunawaan kung bakit may mga bagay na nagaganap, at may mga bagay na nauudlot. Bakit nga ba ganun? Pag nakaplano, hindi matutuloy. Pag biglaan, sige-sige nalang. Kaya siguro minsan, mas maganda ang kinalalabasan ng mga biglaang lakad, yung mga hindi matagal na hinintay at pinag-usapan. Kasi yun, kapag biglaang hindi narin natuloy, hindi gaano masakit. Madaling intindihin, at madaling unawain.

Bakit ko nga ba nasasabi ang mga ito? Saan nanggagaling ang mga salitang binibitawan ko? Marahil ay nais ko lamang maglabas ng anumang nasa isip ko ngayon, at ng kung anumang nararamdaman ko. Hindi ako magbabanggit ng anumang pangalan, o partikular na pangyayari. Ang nais ko lang naman ay ang maibuhos ang saloobing buong araw kong tinago, hindi dahil sa ayokong magkwento, kundi dahil mas gusto kong makapag-isip nang walang halong panghuhusga ng ibang tao sa mga nangyayari.

Sa halos buong araw na pag-iisip, napagtanto ko na may mga bagay na kahit gusto kong intindihin, ay hindi ko parin lubos na maintindihan. Siguro, hindi kasi lahat ng bagay ay iniintindi, minsan, mas angkop na tanggapin nalang ito. Kaso, hindi ba yun ang nakakagulo? Kasi paano mo matatanggap ang isang bagay na hindi mo naman ito lubos na nauunawaan? Hay, ewan ko ba. Siguro ganoon nalang talaga. Hindi lahat ng bagay madali. Gaya nitong tinatype ko sa blog na ito, ni hindi ko mapagbuklod ang bawat ideya na tumatakbo sa isip ko.

Mabalik tayo sa mga usapang natutuloy at nauudlot. Bakit nga ba ganoon? Kung kailan anjan na, maghahanda ka na, malalaman mo nalang na may pangyayaring makakahadlang sa napag-usapan na? Tapos, bigla nalang, wala na. Sira na ang lahat. Sira narin ang araw mo. Sira na ang lahat. Wala ka naman ding magawa kasi, sino ka ba, hindi ba? Hindi mo naman kontrolado ang lahat. Kaso, ang mahirap lang, yung pakiramdam na, ang tagal mong hinintay. Umasa kang matutuloy. Pero sa araw ding iyon, malalaman mo na hindi mo na kailangan maghintay pa. Hindi mo na kailangang umasa pa. Kasi wala ka narin palang inaasahan. Yung inakala mong magiging magandang araw, nasira na. Yung inakala mong makakapawi ng hirap sa matagal na paghihintay, nawala na. Ang sakit diba? Pero wala kang magawa. Lagi nalang walang magawa.

Bukod pa doon, ang sakit ding isipin na ganun nalang, na hindi na natuloy, na wala na, tapos. Move on nalang. Ano pa nga ba diba? Ni wala manlang, "sa susunod ganito ganyan", "wag ka mag-alala, gagawan natin ng paraan", "sa ibang araw nalang". Ay, meron pala. Pero, huli na. Nasira na ang araw mo, ayaw mo nang umasa sa kung ano pa. Wala ka narin sa mood sa kung anong lakad pa. Sabi nga nila, tanggapin mo nalang. Nanjan na, nangyari na. Hindi naman sa tinatanggihan mo na matuloy pa ang naudlot na plano. Hinintay mo din yun eh, at siyempre, gusto mo talagang matuloy yun. Pero yun nga lang, nandun na yung pakiramdam na hindi ko maintindihan. Alam niyo yung pakiramdam na sira na lahat? Gusto mo nalang ng oras sa sarili mo? Kasi nakakapagod nadin magbigay ng oras sa ibang tao kung minsan. Tapos, madalas ikaw yung nag-aadjust, kasi kung hindi, sino pa?

Hindi naman sa nagrereklamo o ayoko na nito. Sa pag-iisip ko sa mga panahong pinili kong manahimik at walang kausapin na kahit sino, may mga bagay din akong naunawaan, at napaliwanagan. Hindi naman sa hindi ko naiintindihan ang naging rason ng hindi pagkakatuloy ng isang bagay, dahil sa totoo, naiintindihan ko naman. Naging masakit lang talaga at mahirap. Kasi hinintay mo, umasa ka, pero wala na naman. Tinanggihan kong tumuloy pa nung tinanong ako kung gusto ko pa talaga makipagkita dahil ayoko ding ipilit pa. Gusto kong makipagkita, siyempre, at hindi na tinatanong pa yun. Pero may mga bagay na sadyang nag-iwan na ng marka, at kinakailangan mo pa ng oras para mabura ang markang iyon. Kaya tumanggi ako. Nakabuti narin nga iyon dahil nagka-oras ako na unawain at palipasin ang sama ng loob ko.

Sa ngayon, maayos na ako. Okay na, kumbaga. Ayoko ring matapos ulit ang araw nang hindi maayos ang lahat. Ang hirap na nga diba? Matagal na kayong hindi nagkakasama, ganoon pa. Mas gugustuhin ko parin namang tanggapin at intindihin nalang, kesa ilang araw nanamang magtampo at magsawalang imik dahil lang sa mababaw na pangyayaring ito. Natatakot lang ako, na baka dumating sa punto na mapagod ako sa ganito. Sa paghihintay sa wala. Ilang beses na ba nangyari, hindi ba? Gayunpaman, wala akong isinusuko. Lumalaban parin ang sigaw ng puso ko sa mga duda ng isip ko. Pero sana manlang, maiparamdam mo din sa galaw at kilos mo, at hindi lang sa salita ako aasa sayo. Na pag dumating ang araw na mas malabo at mas mahirap na ang lahat, hindi mo din ako isusuko. :|

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Just Go With It.

Today, I went out of my crib to study with two of my beeeeest and awesome friends. We're really supposed to study, but we ended up chatting with each other, eating, and watching a movie. That was really fun, I should admit. I miss these people, and boredom was finally killed. But it doesn't end with that. Behind the happiness I am feeling while I was with them, a lot of things were running on my mind. Doubts, uncertainties, fears, and every single thing that concerns about what will happen next.

What will happen next? What will happen with my life if I didn't make it, and everyone close to me does? What will happen if he made it, and I didn't? What will happen if things go the other way around? What's waiting for us? What's waiting for me? What could possibly life be by then?

It drives me crazy to think about What if's, or sort of like those. Over thinking makes me feel like I'm going insane. But hello, what if things aren't meant to be? What if things would go differently? What if the whole life I have been living in the first year of my college life was not the life meant for me? What if things suddenly change? Would I be ready for that? Would I be prepared enough to face them all and survive? Of course, I would and I could make it through. Of course I'd move on. But how long would it take me to absorb everything and accept them? How could I take the pain of just letting it go? Okay. I'm over dramatic. But I really just couldn't imagine how different life could be once everything starts to change. AGAIN. And it's not the same now. I know this time, it's HARDER.

Nothing stays the same. Change is a constant thing in everyone's life. But I have this fear I am holding deep inside me now. The FEAR OF LOSING what I have right now. Those things that I have treasured long enough for me to lose them all of a sudden. A question from one of my friends earlier struck me. "Paano pag nag-end yung sa inyo ni Jeff?" Paano nga ba? I didn't answer the question, but it made me think. What if everything suddenly changes and I didn't notice I am already losing him? That we're slowly drifting apart? I don't want that to happen. i don't want to lose him. Not now. Not tomorrow. NEVER.

Another girl drama. Yes. Maybe it is.
Another over thinking about things. Well, exactly.
Another post filled with emotions I'm trying to keep. Another set of words which my heart tries to explain. Another entry that shows how I am feeling at the moment, though it may not be that exact. Just another thing about my life. And I am just going with it. I guess that's all what I have to do. Live life. Love it. Experience it. Explore it. Appreciate it. And just go with what comes along with it.

Monday, May 02, 2011

My heart seeks for words.

Almost a year. Almost a year since I wrote about my life through online blogging. I swear, I missed this. Typing exactly what's on my mind, spilling it on my own site, without being bothered if anyone I know would see it or not. I miss writing. I miss blogging. I miss this kind of life. That life where I could express everything in words, where my heart feels free from the burden it tries to keep for a long time.

College life has been fair enough. But life's really tough that obstacles would really hinder me from achieving my dreams which I have been trying to achieve for a long time. Setting aside these hindrances, I can proudly say that I've never loved a part of my life more than the experiences I had in College. It's more than my elementary years. And even greater than my High school days. It is life itself. No, what I mean is, it really consists of the stepping stones to what real life is. It is more than the childish years, more than the adolescent fears, more than my younger years. I don't know what exactly I am pointing out, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I had the change I needed and longed for. I had the turning point of my life, and now I'm struggling to survive and cope for the greater changes it has prepared.

And now, I'm no longer a girl, but not yet a woman. As quoted from one of Britney's songs. Being 18 isn't really so much of a big deal for me. But I feel like it's the point of my life where I shall prove something. Where I shall show them that people can't tell me what to believe in, and what to fight for. Because I'm no longer that girl who relies fully on what they would say to me, on what they would instruct me to do. I am no longer that girl who would believe in everything they'd be telling me. I am now that young lady who tries to find herself in this world filled with uncertainties. I am that young lady who wants to achieve something she deserves to have. That young lady who has her heart broken so many times before, and now she's needing that young man who would never let her become that wasted again. But I am not yet that woman who could do everything on her own. I still need the guidance from the people who care, who GENUINELY care. Hypocrites are out of my life. So if you are one, back off.

Writing has been my passion for years, and I've taken a long rest for that thing that I loved the most. My chosen career has hindered me from being in touch with my first love. FIRST REAL LOVE. I may not be the best writer who speaks with those words most appealing to every reader, but that doesn't measure one's passion for writing. Mine's being determined by my heart's desire, that which I have been hiding for a long time.