Emotionally Exhausted

One moment everything seems so perfect and then everything feels like crap. I don't know where to place myself, where to stand, where to even look at things in order to understand them in a different perspective. It's just too tiring to deal with myself, to deal with people, to try to make them understand, or to even care. I just don't feel like I'm being valued just as much as I think I deserve to be. I don't think I'm being understood the way I needed people to understand me. I feel so lost, so helpless, so fragile. Why do I feel like I've been forcing myself to be someone so significant to others when in fact I'm really not? People will just keep on pushing you away without even exerting much effort. After all the things you've done to deal with their bullshit, they'd still be lost in how they'd be treating you back. I don't even think you're getting me. That you're paying much attention to know who I am, what I want, what I need. You're just there, and you're just simply there. Instead of trying to pull me closer, you push me away. Instead of trying to make me feel better, you simply distant yourself. You run away, you escape. You hate confrontations, you hate me whenever I'm trying to speak myself up. Maybe because I speak nonsense, I speak so shallow, I speak with so much emotions. Or maybe we're all just tired of everything.

I just don't know. I just don't understand. Why is it so difficult to handle too much things at one time? Last week has been a long, tough week. I made it then. I don't know if I could still make it now. 

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Futuncertainty

Who will I be? What will I become? Where will I be working? Who am I gonna be with? 

Will the life I have chosen now bring me to the path that I ought to take? Or will it just make my journey go around the same circle? 

How will I be practicing my profession after graduating and passing the board exam? How will I be taking care of my own family while managing my career? 

Are the sacrifices that I am making now will be worth it in the future? Or will it just make me regret the chances that I should have had taken? 

The question “How do you see yourself in the next 10-15 years?” has always been catching me off-guard. It’s not that I do not have any plans for my future; it’s just that they aren’t that definite yet to be expressly described. 

The future scares me to the point that it makes me shrug off the idea of its existence and uncertainty. I want to cross the bridge when I get there . . . but how will I even get there without at least having a blueprint to guide me along the way? 

Or maybe I just want to take risks and decide impulsively.

But no, I don’t ever want to commit the same mistake again.

The next time I’d be making a big decision for myself, I’ll make sure that it would be something that I have really thought about. 

But sometimes it feels like it’s already too late to run away and change the direction that I am currently taking . . . just because I have already gone too far and it would hurt to simply give everything up. 

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Isn't It Ironic, Don't You Think?

Well, life has a funny way of sneaking up on you 

when you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out

when you think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face

Isn’t ironic when you thought you’ve already had everything in control but, the next thing you know is that you’re already losing them? Isn’t ironic when you were able to get something you’ve badly wanted and not realizing its worth afterwards? Isn’t it ironic how life tests our strength and courage by making us feel weak and terrified? Isn’t it ironic how our failures eventually help us succeed in life? Isn’t it ironic that the one thing you loved the most has the greatest power to tear you down? Life, indeed, has a funny way of turning things around.

            When I first entered San Beda College, my life is partially whole and partially beyond repair. I was going through a rough time moving on from a failure I have just had from my previous school. I was in the process of putting myself back together and redeeming what I have lost. I was not completely shattered because I still have these special people supporting me in every decision I make. I was not completely broken because I still had my faith intact within me.

It only took me a year to finally feel better again. The journey has not been easy. I have lost some things I thought I never would, and I have gained some which I thought I will never have. But the irony of life haunts me back. Just when I was able to redeem myself, I have lost the most important thing I have held on to when I almost had nothing left with me. My faith crushed down, my performance downgraded, and I have forgotten who I was. My failure made me tough and my success made me fragile. After a year of hard work, there I went again, losing what I have just achieved and what I have just had.

 One academic year had passed since then. Life, for me, is more different now. I have learned to brace myself for whatever might happen next. I have decided to bring back the person I have lost within me. I have conditioned myself to be more prepared this time around. I have figured that in order to survive this game of life, I must be willing to sacrifice a lot.

Being an Accountancy student demands countless things from me - time, effort, patience, hard work and perseverance, to name a few. The irony is that even when I seem to give almost everything I could, I would still end screwing up. Once I get too complacent, I would start losing everything again. That’s when I figured that something has to change, that even though life can be absurd sometimes, you have to find ways to move forward. I could have just chosen to just let it go, give it up, and stop struggling to win it.

But I didn’t.

Because this is what I am fighting for and I know why it is worth it. The beauty, actually, is in the irony of life. Without it, I will never have to wonder and question why things turn out differently. Without questioning, I will never have to try to understand things in a deeper perspective.  Without trying, I will never get to where I want to be. And without getting there, I will never get to see the beauty of life’s irony. 

This essay was originally submitted as a requirement for Auditorial (The Official Publication of the Department of Accountancy&Taxation of San Beda College-Manila)

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Things I'll Never Say

I just cried my heart out a few minutes ago.
Reality made me sad and I felt like I had nowhere to go.
It may always seem like I already have everything I want
But what people don't know is that all this time, I've only been trying to survive.

I never grew up in a big and adorable house
I've never been a princess who has always been loved
I'm one of those kids who's been used to bullying
I always strive to fit in, in this world I thought I'd love to be in.

My life has been shattered and broken apart
And each time it did, I always stood up with a stronger heart
I grew up believing that my mind could take me to places
And it's the only thing I have, for me to make it through this mess

People will judge and say things about me
People will act like they know everything that concerns me
People will try to understand who I am
But all they can see is what I have been showing them

There will always be these things that I'll never say
Things that I will try to conceal every single day
The time will come when everything will fall into place
And by that moment, I would have reached the end of this maze

My dreams will come true and I'll get what I want
The things I've never had will someday be on my hands
I'll make you proud and I'll pay you back
And the life we've had will fin'lly change its track...

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Mixed Emotions, Beyond Expectations

I've been feeling like a crap since Sunday night (I'm having my monthly period soon, that's why). But anyway... Aside from that, one of the things that bothered(and some still bothering) me is that I might fail Financial Accounting 1 (which, by the way, is my major subject). 'Di ko naman inaasahan na papasa ako, at kung papasa naman ako, alam kong nasa tres lang ang grade ko. I wasn't myelf during the last semester. And it wasn't my best shot in being a nerd. So I know where I stand. My only hope is a miracle.... at yung mag-adjust ng sobra ang prof. 

Our grades were supposed to be out tomorrow. But I was really eager to press F5 on my keyboard para irefresh ang Student Module this afternoon. *F5* (Still no grade in Accounting) *check twitter, then fb and after almost 2 minutes balik sa module then F5* (And I'm like, OMG THANK GOD. IS THIS SERIOUS? I PASSED FINACC1!!)

click for a larger view

Believe me, this one was more than I had hoped for. Felt so blessed and really grateful. My hands were cold and shaking after seeing my grade, and I really could not ask for more from Him now (and thanks to my professor Sir Tiu, too, and I guess Sir Alajar). God is really great. He makes all things possible. We just have to keep our faith. 

And so this is another wake up call for me. Time to change for the better, even for the best. I really would allot more time studying for Accounting now, just like what I did last school year. Better make my foundations strong than waste my time and regret for the things I should have done. I don't need to wait for another failure for me to realize that I can still do better. As my new mantra in life says, "Do it right now so you won't have to look back and say I could have tried harder." 

BSA all the way! I can be, I will be, and I shall be a CPA someday. :)

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Unsafe

When you're surrounded with people whose business is talking about other people's lives, you just don't feel really safe. . .

Or is it just me? 

I always find it hard to deal with people, but really, I find it harder when it comes to these type of persons I just mentioned above. It seems like when you're with them, they are your friends. And when you aren't, they talk about you. And when they talk about you, they don't see your positive side. They dwell on the negative one and on their assumptions/theories of who you are. 

It sucks to be the one being talked about. And it also sucks to be listening to those kinds of conversations you really aren't interested in. Maybe that's why I really should avoid this kind of people. Not that they could not be my friends; it's just that, I could not stand them. I could not understand them. They seem to see every flaws other people have, but they don't seem to notice how filthy they are. 

I'm not saying that I am all clean and shit-less. But I am not really the type of person who can deal with such attitudes. Maybe I was able to tolerate this back then, but I don't think I can withstand this any longer.

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Living in a World of Lies

I've always been that kind of girl who's too conscious of how people might see me. I always try to put up my better side to conceal my flaws. I always prefer to be seen as the innocent, sweet and understanding girl one could ever know. But the real thing is, am I really that person? Do I always have to try so hard to be accepted for who I am not?

My boyfriend made me think of these things. I've been trying to act as someone else as I try to convince myself that I am that person. I'm hiding things because I'm afraid of how people would react once they knew my dark sides. I'm afraid to be rejected, I always wanted to fit in. But now I'm asking myself, would I be happier this way? 

Oh, a lot of questions in my head. But I no longer want to be that girl who worries a lot because I am not the person people thought I was. Or at least, I think people thought I was. I wanted to be myself. I wanted to see who will really be there to accept me for who I am. No judgments, no pretensions. I'd love to have a carefree life. I'd love to act liberated in front of everyone. I no longer want to hide. I no longer want to live in a world of lies. I wanna be exposed for who I am. I wanna be just myself.

And as funny as it is, I just received a group message from one of my Bedan friends. It says, "Life is never about proving people that you are a good person. Sometimes, the bad things also matter. For in your dark side, you can see among the people that surround you are ready to light the road with you. It's not about how many friends you have, or how many people roam around you. It's how few of them ACCEPTS. For in your nothingness, people who are TRUE to you find reasons to LOVE you still."

And it hit me. 

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I needed to spill this out, so yeah.

May 4, 2012. This day has been so complicated, weird, and wonderful at the same time. It's been twisted and turned, making my mood swing back and forth. (Uhh, yeah. Whatever.)

I woke up this morning with a confused mind. I was feeling unsure of what day it is, making me ask myself if I have a class today. And snap, it's 8:15 and I realized that I need to move like a ninja (again) just to make it to my 10AM class. Luckily, fate was being kind to me. I arrived just on time. Relieved... But yeah, my day just didn't start right... 

During our ASTAT class, our professor announced that the makeup class for tomorrow (which is technically today) will pursue, same time, same room. New topics will be discussed and a seat work will be given. This turned out to be an unfavorable event for me.... because I'll be having another makeup class too and the schedules are conflicting. As much as I wanted not to miss any class discussion, I'm being left with no other choice but to go for my law class. This upsets me... because I enjoy ASTAT class more. 

With a broken heart, I was actually anticipating that my boyfriend will be able to comfort me (through his mere presence) by the time he fetches me in school. Unfortunately, when I checked my phone, he left me a message saying that he couldn't make it, so we just have to meet somewhere else. So... I have to go there alone. And yes, just when I thought things might actually go better, they become even worse.

I freaked out, that particular moment when you're in a public place and you just wanted to rant and cry. Maybe it's because my expectations ruin the reality. Yes, because if hadn't expected anything, nothing would be ruined anyway. But maybe, it isn't just that.

So I was really having a bad day, and I'm no longer in the mood to meet him. Besides, he's with his sister & his cousins, too. I don't wanna face them with my oh-so-unpleasant attitude because I'm too upset as of that moment. So I stayed at school for an hour or so, trying to calm myself down. I asked for my friends comfort & I told them what's been happening to me. Luckily, my best friend has been tough on her advice and I thank her for that.

So I looked for a quiet place where I could make myself feel better. I tried to study, but my heart is just so bothered and confused, that my mind refuses to function well. So instead of pushing myself to read, I held my pen and  wrote down what I wanted to say to him at that moment. I came up with a brief statement, yet after re-reading it, I felt lighter. After some time, I decided to go. 

And I'm grateful that I did. My day turned better in so many ways. I dunno. Being with him just felt so right again. And meeting those people who are close to his heart just made it better. I'm not quite sure if they liked me, though. I'm bad at socializing with people. :( But anyway, I like him when he's with them... next to how much I like him when he's with me. 

But my day doesn't end there. My heart has been broken by the fact that a close friend (best friend) of mine is feeling bad bout how our friends tend to ignore our invitation for her mom's birthday celebration. I could feel her so much because I know how it feels to exert much effort for others but you get nothing in return. I guess I'm not supposed to spill this one here, so I won't go with the details anymore.

What made this day end just right is his phone call. And by then I realized how the barriers I've put up before are being crashed down. I'm afraid to be someone who's so clingy, again. I'm scared to go through so much pain because of being too attached to someone. But then again, I guess it's too late to back out now. I have one choice left - and that is to be fearless. To feel terrified, yet to have the courage to jump into it anyway. Taylor Swift taught me this.

PS. God has handled my day too well. He haven't deserted me. He stayed with me and He worked on His miracles for me. It isn't actually fate's will for my day to turn better, it's His. :)

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"Nalulungkot ka, umiiyak ka, DAHIL iniwan ka. HINDI dahil wala na siya."

Let me quote it once again,

"Nalulungkot ka, umiiyak ka, DAHIL iniwan ka. HINDI dahil wala na siya."

Makes sense? Of course it does. I actually heard this from my best friend, as she quoted a priest who said these lines. Then these words were suddenly stuck on my head and it eventually inspired me to write on my blog again. Why?

Because I know how it feels. To be sad, depressed, hopeless, left behind, hanging and alone with no choice. Name it. We surely have went through these feelings - when people leave us, when someone dies, when a friend ignores us, or even when a loved one decided to go on with life without us. Heartbreaking. You're feeling bad for yourself. Because once again, someone has to leave you. And they left you with no choice but to accept it and just be happy for them.

In this kind of circumstance, people would usually think, "Hindi ko kakayanin pag iniwan mo ako." Or, "Hindi ko alam gagawin ko pag nawala ka." I've heard these lines a hundred times before. Witnessed it on my own. These words were usually giving a person the feeling that someone is afraid of losing them, that someone could not live without them. But eventually these words were just words. Because no matter how much we try to keep and hold on to these, they would just mean nothing when the time comes.

Some people would say, "I couldn't go on with life without him/her anymore." And some wise man would answer, "Nagawa mo ngang mabuhay noon nang wala siya. Magagawa mo ulit yan." And normally our response would be, "Iba kasi nung dumating siya sa buhay ko. Nasanay na ako na nandiyan siya."

My stand on that? Nasanay ka lang. And now that you're left alone again, you just didn't like the feeling that someone just broke your heart for the nth time. (Who does?) But the point is, you could still go on. You could be happy. You could live your life the way you did before. It wouldn't really be the same, because of the simple reason that nothing ever stays the same. It is actually a matter of choosing between being happy or feeling sorry for yourself.

Honestly, I used to believe that the lost of someone we used to value so much is the reason why we feel bad, even so depressed at times. Then I heard the words, "Nalulungkot ka, umiiyak ka, DAHIL iniwan ka. HINDI dahil wala na siya," and I started to realize how true it was. How empty it feels to be left behind. Nawalan na ako ng mahal sa buhay at alam ko yung pakiramdam. Pero ngayon ko lang narealize na iniyakan ko sila dahil iniwan nila ako; dahil iniwan nila kaming malalapit sa buhay nila na nasanay na sa presensiya at pangangalaga nila. We're not actually crying for the fact that they're gone. We're actually mourning for ourselves because we just couldn't be with them as often as we used to before, because they left us. When in truth, we should be happy because they aren't feeling the pain this Earth has to give them. God has already taken them to heaven and took away their pain.

And from this, I actually had the courage to face the world again. I could live without you, my dear friend. It won't really be the same, but I'm doing well. The sadness and emptiness I am having is not because of your absence in my life. It's more of the feeling you've given me when you walked out at the unexpected time. Didn't brace myself for that, because I've been believing in you all along. I've been holding on to promises, to those words you've said before. I'm over those romantic conversations. You were the one who used to tell me how afraid you are of losing me, of me getting tired of you, of me deciding to just leave you hanging. But who did what? Who broke whose heart? Who felt what? WHO?

HINDI AKO NALULUNGKOT AT HINDI KITA INIYAKAN NOON DAHIL WALA KA NA. NARAMDAMAN KO PALA YUNG MGA YUN DAHIL INIWAN MO AKO. . . when you said you won't at wala kamong magbabago.

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ACCOUNTING is a METAPHOR of LIFE

ACCOUNTING is a METAPHOR of LIFE. – Professor Joffre Alajar

And indeed, it is. And it will always be. Studying Accounting and taking it up as your course will make you realize the reason behind his words. And as far as I am concerned, I have seen what my professor meant by that.

I have studied Accountancy in DLSU for a year, and haven’t made it further there. A heartbreaking dilemma this last summer, which tore me apart. I thought, maybe I am not good enough. Maybe I am not really for the course. Maybe it isn’t really for me. Maybe I could do better with something else. Maybe I just couldn’t love Accounting. Or maybe, I just didn’t give my all. I played it easy; I relaxed and watched my own character lose herself in the process. So I ended up losing the game, instead of struggling to win on it.

That’s when Accounting made me feel bad, made me feel broken hearted – the worst heartbreak I’ve ever had. It showed me how tough life could be, for failures are really on every side of the road. Bump on it, and then you have to deal with it. And dealing with it entails being strong, being stronger, and being strongest that you can be. Standing up after every fall is never easy. But you don’t have to let yourself be filled with negativity at all times. Sometimes, staying optimistic makes you go on, even at hardest times.

And so I left DLSU – with my heart broken, with my soul damaged, with my mind cluttered, and with my pride set aside. I transferred to San Beda College, with the positive outlook that maybe this time, life would be kind to me. But it wasn’t that easy. I encountered these individuals who brought my spirit down when I was still in the process of enrolling. They say Accounting is tough here, and that I shall be shifting to their course because I couldn’t make it. I admit, those words hurt; whether they meant it as a joke or not. And mind you, I never blurted it out to anybody yet. I kept my mouth shut, as I feel disheartened of being in this course again.

But I realized, WHO ARE THEY TO JUDGE MY CAPABILITY AS A PERSON, WHEN THEY BARELY KNOW ME? Who are they to break someone’s spirit when she’s still trying to move on and start a new life again? Who are they? They are simply another set of individuals who don’t mind their own businesses. Insensitive. Inconsiderate. Oh well, what do they know about me?

The funny thing is, they became my classmates in one of my subjects this semester. But I didn’t see it as a sign that maybe, I am meant to follow their course. I saw it as a sign that I’m going to prove them wrong. And in their damn faces, I’ll show them that they weren’t able to break me down. For this time around, I’ll make sure I’m going to make things right. Maybe, I couldn’t go back in time, but at least, I have this chance now to start over again and learn to prioritize.

I know it’s not gonna be easy. But at least, I have my reasons to strive harder. For I know that Accounting, just like life itself, is indeed complicated. With this course, you’d learn to cry and get disappointed, you’d feel bad for failures and hindrances, you’d experience a lot of twists and turns in the process. It teaches us what life is. It shows us what real life is - that living life isn’t just being extremely happy and having fun. That life is more than just something to enjoy with, for at times, it is something that we must learn to understand. We’d all fail and succeed; we’d all experience good and bad times. But with Accounting, you’d learn how to deal with it; for you have been taught that life is never easy. And never will it be.

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Trying to keep yourself together is so much harder than just simply falling apart.

And I've proven this. Since for the whole day, I've been trying to hold back my negative emotions to just entertain the positive ones. I've been trying to act like every thing's well, when in fact, they are not. I've been trying to conceal the pain I am feeling inside just to let people know that I am doing fine. I've been trying to laugh and smile the normal way just not to make them worry about what's going on inside my mind. I've been trying, and trying, and trying. But you know what? In the middle of those attempts to hide everything, my heart seeks for freedom, for me to release this burden I've been feeling inside.

It is painful, of course it is. Who said it's gonna be easy? But I think, this pain is just so different, that its damage to my whole self is even immeasurable this time. I wasn't prepared for this, I wasn't ready to feel like shattering again. Just when I thought I had it all -almost perfect block mates, college best friends, the course which I've been planning to go through heaven and hell, awesome university, and a man who has been holding my heart - every thing will just be gone. And I just have to realize that I need to start over again. For the game I've been trying to play is over, and the race I've been trying to finish is done.

But I've got nowhere to go. With this shattered dreams and broken heart, I don't know which is the right path and which is the wrong one. I don't know which one to take, and which one to abandon. My back up plans were all useless. For once again, I am on this battle alone. Trying to figure out what to do for the next years of my life, trying to figure out which of what I have had in my freshman year in DLSU would stay with me even when I'm gone.

I know I could get over this easily, if only I know that I wouldn't lose SO MUCH. But F*CK this life, I am losing A LOT. Everyone and every thing which I have been holding on to is barely on my hands. With these people I've been with for a year of extremes, I'd only be left by their sweet memories. No, I am not exaggerating. For really, life is different when you're with them. And life indeed s*cks when they're not with you. And once I become too far away to catch up with what's going on with these people I have learned to love, I fear of losing the bond I had with them, the memories we all made together and apart, the life we've been trying to build up, and the family that we have formed from the start. I'm afraid to be forgotten, to be left behind, to be just a part of the past. And I'm also afraid that I might do that to them, when time wouldn't find its way.

It isn't just about the exam I took twice and failed twice, but it's about everything that comes along with it. It also concerns this guy, whom I am too afraid to lose. Once we'd really be apart, I don't know what the hell would happen next. Could we still work things out, despite the fact that there are so many hindrances along our way? Could we still manage to give time for each other, or just simply let ourselves drift apart? Could we still be in love the way we used to? Honestly? I am afraid. I'm afraid to be left behind. I'm afraid to be replaced. I'm afraid that while we're apart, he'd meet that one person who'd prove him that someone's so much better than me. It's not just a matter of being in love or a matter of having a strong trust. For there are these times when you don't really know how far you'd be going to survive a mutual relationship to make it work like what you've been promising to each other ever since. For people change, and emotions too. :(

Life could really be so taft tough. There'd be times you'd feel so whole, then all of a sudden, you'd feel you're already breaking into pieces. I've never felt so much pain before. This is the greatest one, so far. This pain is just so real. This heart break is even more than the pain that a first love can bring. This heart break is immeasurable.

And I know that while I've been going through this pain, through this "keeping myself together while in front of people" thing, my parents' hearts are breaking too. I couldn't cry in front of them, because I want to be the one staying strong for them. I wanted to make them feel that I'm fine, that I'll get over this too, that I just could go along. I wanted to make them believe like nothing really happened. Even though I know that they are really aware of what's going on, not just in my life, but also in my mind and in my heart. I know they could feel that my heart is shattered this time, and that my eyes are just trying to hold back the tears for what I am experiencing right now. These two people in my life, are just hurting the same way I do now. And I regret making them feel that way, making them feel sad, and disappointed at the same time. I regret breaking their hearts, more than I regret mine.

But then again, life goes on. For each fall you take, you have to get up and be yourself again. You have to face the battle continuously, like you've never failed before. But that's one thing I just can't do now. That's one thing which is just too hard as of this moment. But I know, God has plans for me, for us. He'll never give us anything we could not survive. And He'll surely not let us stay in this dark corners of our lives, without showing us the light to get out of it.

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Just Go With It.

Today, I went out of my crib to study with two of my beeeeest and awesome friends. We're really supposed to study, but we ended up chatting with each other, eating, and watching a movie. That was really fun, I should admit. I miss these people, and boredom was finally killed. But it doesn't end with that. Behind the happiness I am feeling while I was with them, a lot of things were running on my mind. Doubts, uncertainties, fears, and every single thing that concerns about what will happen next.

What will happen next? What will happen with my life if I didn't make it, and everyone close to me does? What will happen if he made it, and I didn't? What will happen if things go the other way around? What's waiting for us? What's waiting for me? What could possibly life be by then?

It drives me crazy to think about What if's, or sort of like those. Over thinking makes me feel like I'm going insane. But hello, what if things aren't meant to be? What if things would go differently? What if the whole life I have been living in the first year of my college life was not the life meant for me? What if things suddenly change? Would I be ready for that? Would I be prepared enough to face them all and survive? Of course, I would and I could make it through. Of course I'd move on. But how long would it take me to absorb everything and accept them? How could I take the pain of just letting it go? Okay. I'm over dramatic. But I really just couldn't imagine how different life could be once everything starts to change. AGAIN. And it's not the same now. I know this time, it's HARDER.

Nothing stays the same. Change is a constant thing in everyone's life. But I have this fear I am holding deep inside me now. The FEAR OF LOSING what I have right now. Those things that I have treasured long enough for me to lose them all of a sudden. A question from one of my friends earlier struck me. "Paano pag nag-end yung sa inyo ni Jeff?" Paano nga ba? I didn't answer the question, but it made me think. What if everything suddenly changes and I didn't notice I am already losing him? That we're slowly drifting apart? I don't want that to happen. i don't want to lose him. Not now. Not tomorrow. NEVER.

Another girl drama. Yes. Maybe it is.

Another over thinking about things. Well, exactly.

Another post filled with emotions I'm trying to keep. Another set of words which my heart tries to explain. Another entry that shows how I am feeling at the moment, though it may not be that exact. Just another thing about my life. And I am just going with it. I guess that's all what I have to do. Live life. Love it. Experience it. Explore it. Appreciate it. And just go with what comes along with it.

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My heart seeks for words.

Almost a year. Almost a year since I wrote about my life through online blogging. I swear, I missed this. Typing exactly what's on my mind, spilling it on my own site, without being bothered if anyone I know would see it or not. I miss writing. I miss blogging. I miss this kind of life. That life where I could express everything in words, where my heart feels free from the burden it tries to keep for a long time.

College life has been fair enough. But life's really tough that obstacles would really hinder me from achieving my dreams which I have been trying to achieve for a long time. Setting aside these hindrances, I can proudly say that I've never loved a part of my life more than the experiences I had in College. It's more than my elementary years. And even greater than my High school days. It is life itself. No, what I mean is, it really consists of the stepping stones to what real life is. It is more than the childish years, more than the adolescent fears, more than my younger years. I don't know what exactly I am pointing out, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I had the change I needed and longed for. I had the turning point of my life, and now I'm struggling to survive and cope for the greater changes it has prepared.

And now, I'm no longer a girl, but not yet a woman. As quoted from one of Britney's songs. Being 18 isn't really so much of a big deal for me. But I feel like it's the point of my life where I shall prove something. Where I shall show them that people can't tell me what to believe in, and what to fight for. Because I'm no longer that girl who relies fully on what they would say to me, on what they would instruct me to do. I am no longer that girl who would believe in everything they'd be telling me. I am now that young lady who tries to find herself in this world filled with uncertainties. I am that young lady who wants to achieve something she deserves to have. That young lady who has her heart broken so many times before, and now she's needing that young man who would never let her become that wasted again. But I am not yet that woman who could do everything on her own. I still need the guidance from the people who care, who GENUINELY care. Hypocrites are out of my life. So if you are one, back off.

Writing has been my passion for years, and I've taken a long rest for that thing that I loved the most. My chosen career has hindered me from being in touch with my first love. FIRST REAL LOVE. I may not be the best writer who speaks with those words most appealing to every reader, but that doesn't measure one's passion for writing. Mine's being determined by my heart's desire, that which I have been hiding for a long time.

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