Sunday, July 21, 2013

Okay Lang Ako.

Siyempre ako nanaman yung may mali, yung may kasalanan. Napaka-unreasonable ko kasi, mababaw, at mahirap intindihin. Sorry ha? Hindi ko kasi kayang ipaliwanag nang maayos sarili ko. At tuwing susubukan ko naman, wala namang nakakaintindi sa'kin. Ayoko lang naman makaabala pa sa'yo. Ayokong magmukhang laging nakaasa sa'yo. Eh wala eh, sa kagustuhan kong mapabuti at makauwi nang safe nang mas mabilis at wala nang naaabalang iba pang tao, ako pa'rin yung wala sa lugar. Aminado naman ako na may mali ako eh. Na 'di ko napaalam agad sa'yo. Oo nga naman, may usapan tayo. Napatanga tuloy kita at napaghintay sa wala. 'di ko naman intensiyon 'yon eh. Ngarag lang talaga yung utak ko dahil hindi ko alam kung paano makakauwi at nung tinext naman kita, ang tagal bago mo ako nareplyan. Hihintayin pa ba kita sa ganong lagay? Malaki na ako eh, kaya ko nang dumiskarte sa sarili ko dapat. Kaya sinubukan kong tumayo sa sarili kong paa at nilakasan ko yung loob ko. 

Siyempre hindi mo nanaman ako maiintindihan. Malabo ako eh. Ikaw ba, ni minsan, hindi ka nawala sa sarili mo at dumating sa point na 'di mo na naisip na naghihintay din ako? 'Yung pakiramdam nung iniwan mo nalang ako bigla at nagtext ka na nauna ka na, at itext nalang kita kung nakauwi na ako? Na buong akala ko noong araw na 'yon eh may lakad pa tayo. Tapos kinagabihan sasabihin mo sa'kin na akala mo susunod ako sa'yo. Matapos mo akong sabihan na magtext nalang ako pag nasa bahay na ako? 

Hindi ko alam. Pinipilit din naman kitang intindihin. Pero ngayon, nakakapagod lang. 'Yung pakiramdam na hindi na kasi okay ang lahat sa ibang aspeto ng buhay ko tapos dadagdag ka pa. Hindi kita sinisisi pero nakakabigla lang talaga. Itutulog ko nalang 'to. 

Friday, July 19, 2013

Futuncertainty



Who will I be? What will I become? Where will I be working? Who am I gonna be with? 

Will the life I have chosen now bring me to the path that I ought to take? Or will it just make my journey go around the same circle? 
How will I be practicing my profession after graduating and passing the board exam? How will I be taking care of my own family while managing my career? 
Are the sacrifices that I am making now will be worth it in the future? Or will it just make me regret the chances that I should have had taken? 

The question “How do you see yourself in the next 10-15 years?” has always been catching me off-guard. It’s not that I do not have any plans for my future; it’s just that they aren’t that definite yet to be expressly described. 

The future scares me to the point that it makes me shrug off the idea of its existence and uncertainty. I want to cross the bridge when I get there . . . but how will I even get there without at least having a blueprint to guide me along the way? 

Or maybe I just want to take risks and decide impulsively.

But no, I don’t ever want to commit the same mistake again.

The next time I’d be making a big decision for myself, I’ll make sure that it would be something that I have really thought about. 

But sometimes it feels like it’s already too late to run away and change the direction that I am currently taking . . . just because I have already gone too far and it would hurt to simply give everything up.