Monday, August 28, 2017



This post was long overdue.

We're already halfway through 2017, and guess what, nothing much has really changed.

I guess this is the point where I start questioning myself again if I am in the right place; if I chose the right job; if I made the right decisions.

When you're 24 and you still feel lost, people would normally think, "It's okay. You're still too young to have your whole life figured out."

But guess what? I don't think we are too young or too old for anything.

By this time of my life, I think I should already have at least a blueprint of where I wanna go, of what I wanna do, of how I am going to be that version of myself.

But I don't.

I'm still sketching, still doodling, still throwing scratch papers away because nothing seems perfect, nothing seems to fit what it is I have on my mind.

I am still a huge mess, an unsolved jigsaw puzzle that's left on the floor 'cause I am not eager enough to shuffle the pieces to make me feel whole.

And I may not show it, but it feels empty most of the time - waking up everyday doing the same routine, and sleeping on the same bed with nothing much going on in my mind. It feels like I'm already settling with the kind of life I have now, and that scares and saddens me at the same time. . .

because I never dreamed to be the girl who settles.

I am the girl who loves to break walls and boundaries to go to places and seek new experiences.

I am the girl who's always enthused to be challenged, who never backs down whenever she wants to fight for something.

I am the girl who never gives up despite the obstacles she's trudging.

The girl who would occasionally have a break down, but would keep on picking up herself after falling.

And the sad thing is, I don't even know who I am now.

I guess I've been settling for the past months, because I'm afraid to commit mistakes, because I am too fragile to face the reality, because I don't feel that I will ever be good enough, because the society expects me to become less of who I want to be.

There are too many limitations and I feel trapped within those walls.

And I could do nothing but to roam around the same room every single day.

To continue walking through the same path which doesn't really go anywhere.

To continue running through a treadmill feeling tired and exhausted, but haven't really gone too far yet.

To continue standing in the middle of all my anxieties and wait for something to change.

But I don't wanna wait anymore.

I want to make things happen.

I want to continue dreaming big, and making those dreams my reality.

I want to be that fearless 24 year-old, who jumps into opportunities to make a difference.

I'm craving for a sense of fulfillment, craving for change, craving for a bolder version of who I am right now.

I know I don't have all the time in the world, but I also know that it is not yet too late.

I know that I can still be that girl. . .

and that I will be that girl.