And I've proven this. Since for the whole day, I've been trying to hold back my negative emotions to just entertain the positive ones. I've been trying to act like every thing's well, when in fact, they are not. I've been trying to conceal the pain I am feeling inside just to let people know that I am doing fine. I've been trying to laugh and smile the normal way just not to make them worry about what's going on inside my mind. I've been trying, and trying, and trying. But you know what? In the middle of those attempts to hide everything, my heart seeks for freedom, for me to release this burden I've been feeling inside.
It is painful, of course it is. Who said it's gonna be easy? But I think, this pain is just so different, that its damage to my whole self is even immeasurable this time. I wasn't prepared for this, I wasn't ready to feel like shattering again. Just when I thought I had it all -almost perfect block mates, college best friends, the course which I've been planning to go through heaven and hell, awesome university, and a man who has been holding my heart - every thing will just be gone. And I just have to realize that I need to start over again. For the game I've been trying to play is over, and the race I've been trying to finish is done.
But I've got nowhere to go. With this shattered dreams and broken heart, I don't know which is the right path and which is the wrong one. I don't know which one to take, and which one to abandon. My back up plans were all useless. For once again, I am on this battle alone. Trying to figure out what to do for the next years of my life, trying to figure out which of what I have had in my freshman year in DLSU would stay with me even when I'm gone.
I know I could get over this easily, if only I know that I wouldn't lose SO MUCH. But F*CK this life, I am losing A LOT. Everyone and every thing which I have been holding on to is barely on my hands. With these people I've been with for a year of extremes, I'd only be left by their sweet memories. No, I am not exaggerating. For really, life is different when you're with them. And life indeed s*cks when they're not with you. And once I become too far away to catch up with what's going on with these people I have learned to love, I fear of losing the bond I had with them, the memories we all made together and apart, the life we've been trying to build up, and the family that we have formed from the start. I'm afraid to be forgotten, to be left behind, to be just a part of the past. And I'm also afraid that I might do that to them, when time wouldn't find its way.
It isn't just about the exam I took twice and failed twice, but it's about everything that comes along with it. It also concerns this guy, whom I am too afraid to lose. Once we'd really be apart, I don't know what the hell would happen next. Could we still work things out, despite the fact that there are so many hindrances along our way? Could we still manage to give time for each other, or just simply let ourselves drift apart? Could we still be in love the way we used to? Honestly? I am afraid. I'm afraid to be left behind. I'm afraid to be replaced. I'm afraid that while we're apart, he'd meet that one person who'd prove him that someone's so much better than me. It's not just a matter of being in love or a matter of having a strong trust. For there are these times when you don't really know how far you'd be going to survive a mutual relationship to make it work like what you've been promising to each other ever since. For people change, and emotions too. :(
Life could really be so taft tough. There'd be times you'd feel so whole, then all of a sudden, you'd feel you're already breaking into pieces. I've never felt so much pain before. This is the greatest one, so far. This pain is just so real. This heart break is even more than the pain that a first love can bring. This heart break is immeasurable.
And I know that while I've been going through this pain, through this "keeping myself together while in front of people" thing, my parents' hearts are breaking too. I couldn't cry in front of them, because I want to be the one staying strong for them. I wanted to make them feel that I'm fine, that I'll get over this too, that I just could go along. I wanted to make them believe like nothing really happened. Even though I know that they are really aware of what's going on, not just in my life, but also in my mind and in my heart. I know they could feel that my heart is shattered this time, and that my eyes are just trying to hold back the tears for what I am experiencing right now. These two people in my life, are just hurting the same way I do now. And I regret making them feel that way, making them feel sad, and disappointed at the same time. I regret breaking their hearts, more than I regret mine.
But then again, life goes on. For each fall you take, you have to get up and be yourself again. You have to face the battle continuously, like you've never failed before. But that's one thing I just can't do now. That's one thing which is just too hard as of this moment. But I know, God has plans for me, for us. He'll never give us anything we could not survive. And He'll surely not let us stay in this dark corners of our lives, without showing us the light to get out of it.
