Unplug. Detox.

https://i0.wp.com/cristeenolley.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/img_8776-1-474x430-1.jpg?w=1170&ssl=1

I know it's been a while since my last post here, and I probably have a couple of drafts that I've yet to publish, but this one seems to be a perfect breaker for everything that's going on inside my head right now.

So I've decided to cut off my Facebook and FBM consumption, primarily because I hated people posting subtle or not-so-subtle spoilers about the Avengers, but now, I've actually discovered a whole new purpose why I needed a detox. 

After some time, I came to realize that I needed to detach while I am trying to fix myself back together. I have to limit my interactions with everyone around me, so I could try to ponder on who I've become, and on how can I transform myself into a better version of who I am. I've been feeling really tired lately for no apparent reason, and as much as spas and Netflix are keeping my mind occupied, I still feel like a shit all over the bathroom floor.

So for this reason, I'm keeping a really few people in touch and I'll be back once I feel like I've overcome this phase that I am currently in right now.

I know I'll be fine again. I know I'll get to find my light sooner or later. I know that that woman will be at the end of this dark and lonely tunnel that I've been trudging for weeks now.

Until then.

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9 Things I learned in 2017

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Hello 2018! It's been a long while since I last posted on my blog, and damn, 2017 went by so fast that I didn't actually notice it.

It has been a hell of a ride if you'd ask me how the previous year went. There were ups and downs, and twists and turns, as we'd usually say. But if you'd ask me if I'd change a single thing from the choices I've made last 2017, hell, it would be hypocritical to say that there wouldn't be any. I would definitely enumerate everything if I could, but to keep it lighter and simple, here's a list of things that I learned from the previous year, instead:

1) Be yourself and be true to yourself

• Do not let the opinion of other people become a hindrance for you to express who you are. We are all different in our own ways. We are oftentimes scared to show our truest self because we know how others would judge us immediately and see us differently. Fuck the world, bitches. We do not need their affirmation to become happy for who we are. 

2) Life will always have its way to surprise you

• This is self-explanatory. Need I say more?

3) You can never fully trust anyone - be careful with your words and actions towards different people

• I guess 2017 has its way to make me feel betrayed for a certain number of times from various individuals. Well, life's a bitch, I know. Even the most unexpected people can turn their backs on you once something more favorable comes along their way.

4) Always be kind, even when the world is pushing you to your limits

• Learn how to forgive people and to forgive yourself. Shit happens, but it doesn't mean that you'll have to let your heart grow cold as well. Having a kind heart sets you free. It's pretty amazing once you've learned to let go of the negativity and the burden of a heavy heart. This doesn't mean that you'll let people abuse your kindness, though. Learn how to set your limits, and be kind to yourself at the same time

5) Some people will always have something to say about you - but they will never confront you about it

• ... and usually their main reason is: they hate confrontations. Well, maybe we shouldn't be spreading words against each other then? Or probably you shouldn't be playing the "victim card" by making other people look bad so the blame will fall on them? But nonetheless, in connection w/ no. 1, the only way to deal with this is to be who you are and fuck what they say. [However, so as to avoid being blinded by your own perception, self-evaluate every once in a while. Be open to changes and constructive criticisms. This is why I admire people who try to talk things through - they make me see the things that I don't see in myself and I would disagree with them at first but would later realise that they have a point as well.]

6) Your "truest" friends will slap you with the truth, will stand up for and with you, and will probably pour some cold water on your face when you're too drunk to function

• They wouldn't sugar-coat things to make you feel good. They would actually bombard you with the most stupid things you did and you'll probably just laugh it off. These are the best friends that I have and that I have been keeping - the ones who were there through the good and the bad, and who wouldn't judge you for the person you've become. 

7) Love will never be enough to make someone stay and time isn't a measure of how strong a relationship is

• Damn, this one's difficult to put here but I did anyway. We would oftentimes think that years of being together and one's love for another are the two main ingredients for a happily ever after. Well, surprise! These aren't. People's feelings do change over time, and you cannot hold on to the number of years of being together to defend how strong your love is. Distance couldn't even make the love grow fonder sometimes. It sucks, I know. But having a strong heart can help you make it through. Be brave to face the changes, and life will have its way to turn things around sometimes.

8) If you want it, you'll always find a way to go for it. Otherwise, you'll end up feeding yourself with excuses

• I know the things that I badly want, and I've been finding ways to go for it, but I guess the excuses are stronger than my will to push through. This 2018, though, I'll try my best not to commit the same mistakes again. I don't wanna get stuck anymore.

9) 2017 is just another year that I've claimed to be mine - but never really did make it happen.

• Or maybe I did, in some way. But I've been wanting to achieve something, so until I knew that I've been brave enough to do something about it, I guess I'll continue pretending that each year's gonna be mine somehow. 2018 might be just another year again, but I'm really hoping to make huge steps to finally move forward this time.

Overall, I'm still grateful for everything that 2017 has given to me and for all the people who's been with me all along. You guys are the best parts of this year, and I know that you'll continue to be until twenty-i-don't-know-what.

So what are the things that you've learned in 2017? Or probably the things that you wanna change in 2018? Post a comment to share yours!

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#Bolder2017

(c) https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/68/11/62/681162e99dcbf10f66f11dc7ba8a3a36.jpg

This post was long overdue.

We're already halfway through 2017, and guess what, nothing much has really changed.

I guess this is the point where I start questioning myself again if I am in the right place; if I chose the right job; if I made the right decisions.

When you're 24 and you still feel lost, people would normally think, "It's okay. You're still too young to have your whole life figured out."

But guess what? I don't think we are too young or too old for anything.


By this time of my life, I think I should already have at least a blueprint of where I wanna go, of what I wanna do, of how I am going to be that version of myself.

But I don't.

I'm still sketching, still doodling, still throwing scratch papers away because nothing seems perfect, nothing seems to fit what it is I have on my mind.

I am still a huge mess, an unsolved jigsaw puzzle that's left on the floor 'cause I am not eager enough to shuffle the pieces to make me feel whole.

And I may not show it, but it feels empty most of the time - waking up everyday doing the same routine, and sleeping on the same bed with nothing much going on in my mind. It feels like I'm already settling with the kind of life I have now, and that scares and saddens me at the same time. . .


because I never dreamed to be the girl who settles.


I am the girl who loves to break walls and boundaries to go to places and seek new experiences.

I am the girl who's always enthused to be challenged, who never backs down whenever she wants to fight for something.

I am the girl who never gives up despite the obstacles she's trudging.

The girl who would occasionally have a break down, but would keep on picking up herself after falling.


And the sad thing is, I don't even know who I am now.


I guess I've been settling for the past months, because I'm afraid to commit mistakes, because I am too fragile to face the reality, because I don't feel that I will ever be good enough, because the society expects me to become less of who I want to be.


There are too many limitations and I feel trapped within those walls.


And I could do nothing but to roam around the same room every single day.

To continue walking through the same path which doesn't really go anywhere.

To continue running through a treadmill feeling tired and exhausted, but haven't really gone too far yet.

To continue standing in the middle of all my anxieties and wait for something to change.


But I don't wanna wait anymore.

I want to make things happen.

I want to continue dreaming big, and making those dreams my reality.

I want to be that fearless 24 year-old, who jumps into opportunities to make a difference.


I'm craving for a sense of fulfillment, craving for change, craving for a bolder version of who I am right now.


I know I don't have all the time in the world, but I also know that it is not yet too late.


I know that I can still be that girl. . .

and that I will be that girl.

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My blog has been filled with so much negativity and sadness for the past year, and I've actually been thinking of giving it a revamp. I was about to open a new account at Wordpress, when I realized that, I should really stop running away every time I feel the need to rearrange my life.

So here I am, trying to make a shift out of this page.

(Oh my god, who would have thought that I've been using Blogger since 2009? Don't even try to look back, guys. You'll regret reading my terrible teenage dramas. LOL)

Let this post actually be the page marker of my daily(I swear I'll try) dose of motivation. I've been working since last month, and since I am new at this phase of my life, there had been days wherein I'd really just want to curl up and spend the entire day doing nothing. But then I'd jump out of my bed realizing that NO I CAN'T DO THAT BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO TO WORK TODAY.

I know I'm just starting and it'll probably take awhile for me to get used to this adulting thing. So while the ride is still smooth and the boat is still sailing on a calm sea, I'd try to prepare myself for the possible storms and rough roads ahead. 

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CPA to CPA

From a Collegian Persevering Accountant to a Certified Public Accountant

A work-in-progress for 6 years or so

My story is quite cliché - a transferee from a prestigious university who decides to redeem herself after a series of failures. Nothing seems to be worth sharing anymore, as we all could predict how this journey to becoming a CPA actually ended.

But let me just share to you the highlights of this particular phase in my life.

MARCH to OCTOBER 2015
 After graduating on March 2015, I have been set to take the boards on October to give way for my formal review. If you'd go back to my previous posts, you'll probably discover how unstable I was during those months before the boards. I went from being complacent, to being motivated, to being lost, to being depressed, to being 103% unprepared.

But I took the boards, anyway.

And guess what?

I failed.

Not conditioned. Not even an almost passer.

I never thought I was setting myself up to fail until my boyfriend actually slapped those words into my face. He was right. I hate it when he's right. I tried to reason out, I tried to come up with excuses, but the truth is, I am not exerting the effort I knew I needed to pass the exam. A part of me didn't want to. I knew I didn't want to.

I wanted a different path for myself, I wanted to pursue a different dream - my own dream. And my mind was clouded with so much passion for what I thought was the right path for me, that I end up sabotaging the present.

Regrets set in after that.

I was a failure, not just to myself, but to my parents as well. But they loved me anyway. 

Post-results dilemma comes next. Should I start working already so I could finance my own expenses? I'm 22 and I'm supposed to be earning already, but I am stuck here for this fucking board exam. Who needs titles to their names anyway? Or maybe I should try to become a full-time reviewee again and redeem myself. Or maybe not?

NOVEMBER 2015 to MARCH 2016
Yup, you guessed it right - I enrolled for review again and didn't actually pursue working full-time nor part-time. I thought that maybe, I should be focusing on review this time and should not let anything become a distraction.

But these months made me an emotional wreck - once again, I felt lost, confused, and unable to actually function very well. My motivation went from 99% to 9%. I was drowning in my own fears and trapped in my own anxiety.  I felt useless, I felt incapable, I felt so insignificant.

I thought faith could bring me back to life but no, it did not. Yes, it probably helped for a while, until I found myself screaming in pain again.

These months were excruciating.

I was needing my own support system. I was needing something to hold on to. I was actually dependent on some people to give me strength during these times that I forgot that they needed their own strength too.

And when I wasn't getting the support I thought I needed, I broke down, and I cried for nights. I was even crying every morning when I wake up. I guess self-pitying had been a hobby. I wasn't so proud of who I was during those times.

Until I snapped, and saw myself in the mirror.

I looked terrible. I feel horrible.

What have I done to myself?

APRIL 2016 
I woke up surrounded with my own tears, wounds, and pieces of me I could never even recognize. So I started picking myself up, and finally decided that this paranoia should already stop. The nightmares should be burned and forgotten. I should start moving forward and get on with my life.

As crazy as it may sound, I am admitting that talking to myself in front of the mirror actually helped me get through this month, especially in those times when I feel alone. I realized that no one could ever help me but myself.

So, I became my own knight, saving the princess who's trapped within the slave I am pretending to be.

"Believe in yourself" has been my daily mantra.

Trust me, it works.

MAY 2016
When May came, I have already conditioned myself. I felt ready, I felt like I could conquer the world. It wasn't pride that I was feeling, nor was overconfidence. It was this belief that I could make it, that I shouldn't let my anxiety overpower me once again.

That was actually an effective move until P2 happened. P2 triggered my anxiety, P2 brought back all the feels that I have managed to set aside for the past 2 months.

Damn, life. Stop being such a bitch.

--

Waiting was really the crucial part. I didn't want to check the results online, but I ended up trying to peek at PRC's website anyway. Going to Baguio with my boyfriend has somehow calmed my senses. 50's Diner was a really good anxiety reliever (lol.)

MY FAVE PART
Results came out the moment we arrived in Manila. I asked my boyfriend if we could buy an ice cream downstairs. I was on my nth stick, and we're having a conversation that went like this:

Him: Hindi naman siguro sila maglalabas ng results ng ganitong oras 'no? (They wouldn't be releasing the results at this time of the day, right?)
Me: Ano ka ba, parang 'di mo naalala yung iniyakan ko ng ganitong oras last year. Mga 1AM ganyan, nilalabas nila. Pag tulog na lahat. (Can't you remember that I cried at this hour last year? They released the results at around 1AM, when everyone's asleep already.)
*he looks at me smiling foolishly*
Me: What?
*shows his phone to me*
Him: CPA na yung girlfriend ko. (My girlfriend's now a CPA.) *he's still smiling*
Me: Ano 'to? Pinagttripan mo ba ako? (What's this? Are you joking around with me?)

It was indeed one of the most unforgettable moments in my life and I just couldn't erase that from my memory. It felt surreal, that I didn't even know if it's normal that I couldn't cry nor stop smiling. And my partner's there, sharing that moment with me.

--
It wasn't long until I sent a message to my parents, telling them the good news I knew they deserved. And this was the tear-jerker. My dad sent me a reply saying, "CPA na yung anak ko. Ang ganda ng pa-birthday ni Lord sa'kin." (My daughter's already a CPA. The Lord has given me the best birthday gift)

He isn't a man who says a lot when it comes to things like this, but when he does, it never fails to hit me hard. It's not that my mom's words were of less importance, it's just that, there are some things that are of greater impact when it comes to a particular person.

Nonetheless, I know I made them equally proud. They deserved this. They worked hard for this. And they finally made it. We finally made it.

--------
EDIT:

I think a significant part of this journey has been omitted while I was writing this post. And yes, it has been bugging me for weeks. I guess it deserves to be out here as well.

I may have written that faith had helped me only for a while, but I failed to mention how much it did wonders during the week of the boards. I have this pdf file on my phone sent by one of my closest friends; it is a book called "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. It is designed to be read daily, giving you enlightenment for that particular day of the year. I usually read mine every morning, to start my day with a glimpse of motivation.

On the day before the exams, it said:

And that's when I knew to myself that I am going to be a CPA this May 2016. 

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Stay Motivated

"Keep going,"

I keep on telling myself.

Some days are difficult, but it's only a matter of time, patience, and perseverance.

There are days when I just want to give things up. And on these days, the only thing that keeps me going is those people who believe in me - in who they think I am, in what they think I can do. It helps to be humble but it doesn't hurt to have something that can boost your confidence. It ignites your desire to keep going. It helps you have a sense of direction, something that guides you towards your goals. I am a dreamer with a lot of aspirations. Maybe I can't be everything I want to be now, but I am pretty sure that in a span of a year or two, I'll be closer to becoming that girl. That lady. That I'll be more than just a dreamer by then.

Keep going. Stay motivated. And most of all, do not let your desires die inside your heart. It deserves to be fuelled. But it isn't meant to be burned.

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Dear Self

Tomorrow marks the beginning of your second journey as a reviewee. I know it hurts that you did not make it at first, but it has been over for quite a while already and you have to move forward. You have to start again to redeem yourself.

You can do it, so don't be afraid of the challenges ahead. You have always been strong enough, and you'll only gain more strength as the days pass by. So keep going and keep fighting.

Be the person you have always been dreaming about.

Be the achiever you are, and have always been.

Make things happen. Turn your dreams into reality.

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From a Desire to Fit in, to an Urge to Stand out

Back when I was in high school, all I wanted was to fit in. I was surrounded by people who talked about their firsts, their crushes, their boyfriends/girlfriends, and all these things that make you giddy when you're at your puberty.

I entered DLSU with the same frustrations, desires, and aspirations. I wanted to be accepted by many at the expense of not being 100% true to myself. Maybe I was too focused at the wrong things during that time. Maybe that was a whole year when all I wanted was to feel loved, to explore, to experience my firsts, and to mildly rebel from who I was.

It was in San Beda College where I decided that something is not right and something has to change. I have never enjoyed blending in -- it makes me just a part of a circle where I don't even belong in. It was then that the urge to stand out consumed my soul. It was then that I realized that I wanted to be who and how I am without needing to compromise with the demands and pressure of other people. It was then that I figured that it is okay to be weird and to be different. After all, I do not need to please anyone but myself.

It took time to figure out the things I never knew about myself. They were all buried in the deepest of my being that I never thought even existed. Spending more time alone made me see how much I enjoy my own company more than being with people who barely even understand who I am. I am a complicated person, I realized.

The thing is, we all have our different ways to discover who we are. Some people would need to distant themselves from others, while some would need to get along with many for them to find who they are. So if you are lost, confused, or baffled, take a step back. Where do you find yourself standing in a crowd full of strangers? Where would you be heading in a journey you have never been into? Who do you find yourself with in a deserted area? Are you comfortable being who you think you are around your so-called friends?

Some will find it easy to discover who they are. Some will get lost in the process. The important thing is you do not give up on yourself. You are your best company. You are who you are, and who you want yourself to be.

(edited version @ http://brewyourbestyear.com/articles/from-a-desire-to-fit-in-an-urge-to-stand-out/)

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Do Not Suck at It

I see a lot of people struggling to do something they claim to love, yet they are not improving on whatever that is. Don't let yourself get stuck on that same page. Loving something does not equate to getting better at it. Strive to be better, crave to learn, and transform those desires into reality. It is the only way you could see yourself achieving something that you enjoy doing. Do yourself a favor, do not suck at it.

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C H A N G E

A photo posted by Eunice Brillante (@msbrillante) on Oct 10, 2014 at 5:41am PDT

One of the great things that I've learned from listening to Taylor's songs is to never be afraid of change. Face it. Embrace it. Don't run away from it. Her fearless aura never failed to amaze me. Her desire to become someone who's even better each day inspires me to become a different version of myself as well. I don't know how she does it, but man, she does it well.

I am 21 and I make decisions carefully, but sometimes, carelessly. I let my emotions sink in and drown myself into whatever ocean of emotions that is. But that is normal. The thing is, I do not allow myself to continuously run out of air to breathe. I get out of the ocean, breathe deeply, and move on. "This is a new day, and I am becoming someone new. Bitches, I am making the most out of what I have now. You can never pull me down."

As a graduating Accountancy student, this academic year serves as my make or break avenue. Fail a major subject, you are at the verge of not being able to graduate on time. (Not that graduating on time is the thing that matters most, CPA Board Exam does; but I am an irregular student, a transferee from another school... and it would suck to lose another year or another semester for one mistake that I could have had avoided since Day 1.) Give up at the middle of your journey, and you'll never get to where you want to be. So I continue to fight, to dream, and to achieve. I have failed a thousand times; but in those failures, I made sure that I fought hard and I learn from them. I pick the pieces of myself back together. I am someone new again.

There had been a lot of changes that I welcomed, and a lot of changes that I repulsed. Those decisions I made in between are the ones that forever changed me. Out of all the chances I've got, and the choices I've made, I always make sure that I would still stand to whatever I believe in. That I wouldn't just be one of those people going with the flow. That I wouldn't just be a part of the crowd. I make sure that I only compete with myself, and with that, I am becoming someone even better than who I was before.

This post is about changes. This post is about an aspiring Certified Public Accountant who is currently afraid about what will happen next to her future; yet fearlessly facing the unknowns ahead of her. This post is about being a new and better version of one's self each day. This post is about not letting other people's opinion of you let you down. This post is about new journeys and new adversities in life. This post is about a 21-year-old girl listening to Taylor Swift's songs to brighten up her day. This post is to never being afraid again.

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What She Wants

I wanna know the “what will be,”

‘cause I am tired of the “what is”;

I wanna see the best of me

I could no longer live like this

I wanna know the future “us”

‘cause I’d still love to see you there;

I wanna let go of the bitter past,

The things that I could no longer bear

Sick of the present,

Tired of what had been;

Scared of what will happen,

Of what I have not yet seen —

Ironic, isn’t it?

To want what you fear;

To be someone different,

To be anywhere else, but here.

iamcptvtdbyyou

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You Motivate Me.

You push me to my limits, you make me want to prove something more. I think that's something that I'd be forever thankful for about you. You just had that "something" that helps me get focused on achieving my long term goals.

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Futuncertainty

Who will I be? What will I become? Where will I be working? Who am I gonna be with? 

Will the life I have chosen now bring me to the path that I ought to take? Or will it just make my journey go around the same circle? 

How will I be practicing my profession after graduating and passing the board exam? How will I be taking care of my own family while managing my career? 

Are the sacrifices that I am making now will be worth it in the future? Or will it just make me regret the chances that I should have had taken? 

The question “How do you see yourself in the next 10-15 years?” has always been catching me off-guard. It’s not that I do not have any plans for my future; it’s just that they aren’t that definite yet to be expressly described. 

The future scares me to the point that it makes me shrug off the idea of its existence and uncertainty. I want to cross the bridge when I get there . . . but how will I even get there without at least having a blueprint to guide me along the way? 

Or maybe I just want to take risks and decide impulsively.

But no, I don’t ever want to commit the same mistake again.

The next time I’d be making a big decision for myself, I’ll make sure that it would be something that I have really thought about. 

But sometimes it feels like it’s already too late to run away and change the direction that I am currently taking . . . just because I have already gone too far and it would hurt to simply give everything up. 

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Isn't It Ironic, Don't You Think?

Well, life has a funny way of sneaking up on you 

when you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out

when you think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face

Isn’t ironic when you thought you’ve already had everything in control but, the next thing you know is that you’re already losing them? Isn’t ironic when you were able to get something you’ve badly wanted and not realizing its worth afterwards? Isn’t it ironic how life tests our strength and courage by making us feel weak and terrified? Isn’t it ironic how our failures eventually help us succeed in life? Isn’t it ironic that the one thing you loved the most has the greatest power to tear you down? Life, indeed, has a funny way of turning things around.

            When I first entered San Beda College, my life is partially whole and partially beyond repair. I was going through a rough time moving on from a failure I have just had from my previous school. I was in the process of putting myself back together and redeeming what I have lost. I was not completely shattered because I still have these special people supporting me in every decision I make. I was not completely broken because I still had my faith intact within me.

It only took me a year to finally feel better again. The journey has not been easy. I have lost some things I thought I never would, and I have gained some which I thought I will never have. But the irony of life haunts me back. Just when I was able to redeem myself, I have lost the most important thing I have held on to when I almost had nothing left with me. My faith crushed down, my performance downgraded, and I have forgotten who I was. My failure made me tough and my success made me fragile. After a year of hard work, there I went again, losing what I have just achieved and what I have just had.

 One academic year had passed since then. Life, for me, is more different now. I have learned to brace myself for whatever might happen next. I have decided to bring back the person I have lost within me. I have conditioned myself to be more prepared this time around. I have figured that in order to survive this game of life, I must be willing to sacrifice a lot.

Being an Accountancy student demands countless things from me - time, effort, patience, hard work and perseverance, to name a few. The irony is that even when I seem to give almost everything I could, I would still end screwing up. Once I get too complacent, I would start losing everything again. That’s when I figured that something has to change, that even though life can be absurd sometimes, you have to find ways to move forward. I could have just chosen to just let it go, give it up, and stop struggling to win it.

But I didn’t.

Because this is what I am fighting for and I know why it is worth it. The beauty, actually, is in the irony of life. Without it, I will never have to wonder and question why things turn out differently. Without questioning, I will never have to try to understand things in a deeper perspective.  Without trying, I will never get to where I want to be. And without getting there, I will never get to see the beauty of life’s irony. 

This essay was originally submitted as a requirement for Auditorial (The Official Publication of the Department of Accountancy&Taxation of San Beda College-Manila)

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Do you really know me?

People would say they know me and talk things like they really understand me. But, what the hell? You may have known who I WAS but you can never be so sure that you still know who I AM. 

Here’s to all the people who act like they know me so well. :)

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Mixed Emotions, Beyond Expectations

I've been feeling like a crap since Sunday night (I'm having my monthly period soon, that's why). But anyway... Aside from that, one of the things that bothered(and some still bothering) me is that I might fail Financial Accounting 1 (which, by the way, is my major subject). 'Di ko naman inaasahan na papasa ako, at kung papasa naman ako, alam kong nasa tres lang ang grade ko. I wasn't myelf during the last semester. And it wasn't my best shot in being a nerd. So I know where I stand. My only hope is a miracle.... at yung mag-adjust ng sobra ang prof. 

Our grades were supposed to be out tomorrow. But I was really eager to press F5 on my keyboard para irefresh ang Student Module this afternoon. *F5* (Still no grade in Accounting) *check twitter, then fb and after almost 2 minutes balik sa module then F5* (And I'm like, OMG THANK GOD. IS THIS SERIOUS? I PASSED FINACC1!!)

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Believe me, this one was more than I had hoped for. Felt so blessed and really grateful. My hands were cold and shaking after seeing my grade, and I really could not ask for more from Him now (and thanks to my professor Sir Tiu, too, and I guess Sir Alajar). God is really great. He makes all things possible. We just have to keep our faith. 

And so this is another wake up call for me. Time to change for the better, even for the best. I really would allot more time studying for Accounting now, just like what I did last school year. Better make my foundations strong than waste my time and regret for the things I should have done. I don't need to wait for another failure for me to realize that I can still do better. As my new mantra in life says, "Do it right now so you won't have to look back and say I could have tried harder." 

BSA all the way! I can be, I will be, and I shall be a CPA someday. :)

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Living in a World of Lies

I've always been that kind of girl who's too conscious of how people might see me. I always try to put up my better side to conceal my flaws. I always prefer to be seen as the innocent, sweet and understanding girl one could ever know. But the real thing is, am I really that person? Do I always have to try so hard to be accepted for who I am not?

My boyfriend made me think of these things. I've been trying to act as someone else as I try to convince myself that I am that person. I'm hiding things because I'm afraid of how people would react once they knew my dark sides. I'm afraid to be rejected, I always wanted to fit in. But now I'm asking myself, would I be happier this way? 

Oh, a lot of questions in my head. But I no longer want to be that girl who worries a lot because I am not the person people thought I was. Or at least, I think people thought I was. I wanted to be myself. I wanted to see who will really be there to accept me for who I am. No judgments, no pretensions. I'd love to have a carefree life. I'd love to act liberated in front of everyone. I no longer want to hide. I no longer want to live in a world of lies. I wanna be exposed for who I am. I wanna be just myself.

And as funny as it is, I just received a group message from one of my Bedan friends. It says, "Life is never about proving people that you are a good person. Sometimes, the bad things also matter. For in your dark side, you can see among the people that surround you are ready to light the road with you. It's not about how many friends you have, or how many people roam around you. It's how few of them ACCEPTS. For in your nothingness, people who are TRUE to you find reasons to LOVE you still."

And it hit me. 

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Mom, Dad, This One's for You. :)

It's been almost a year since I've made the decision to leave DLSU for San Beda College. It wasn't an easy choice, but now I could see that it is indeed worth it...

Being a Dean's Lister is a great feeling, but being one of those who belonged on top of the list is more than what anyone could really ask for. God knows how grateful I am for all the blessings that He has given me. He has made me see the beauty in every heartbreak and made me realize that there's always a reason for everything. 

But this is not where it ends. The qualifying exam for Accountancy students last March 28 marked another uncertain point in my life. The traumatic experience I had the previous year motivated and frightened me at the same time. I was motivated to do my best, but felt too frightened that this would lead to another failure. After a week of waiting, the results were out. And again, He gave me more than what I've asked for. I passed the PAPAT (Professional Accountancy Program Admissions Test) and luckily made it to Top 5. (Thank you Sir Alajar for being such an excellent mentor! :) Same with Sir Sampaga who reviewed us days befores the exam. :) )

(c) Photo taken from the one who posted this in our JPIA group

These things He has given me, I lift up back to Him. And of course, this is my way of thanking my parents for everything they've sacrificed for me. Aside from having the self-fulfillment, these things meant more to me because these have made my parents happy and proud. They deserve these things more than I do. I love you, mom and dad. All of these is for you. :)

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✔ Reality Check: Yes, I'm Feeling Great Again ;)

"How others see you is not important. How you see yourself means everything."

Hello to this little girl in the picture, who was fin'lly able to grow up. :) 

Well... I've been thinking about things lately, and it quite surprised me how fast time could pass by. It's also quite surprising to realize how I was able to feel so great again, after feeling so down. Reality check: I'm finally feeling better and whole again. And I owe this to those people who has always been here for me, to those who never failed to make me feel special. :) 

I have recovered. And this I have known last night, after a bonding/drinking session with some of my HS friends. I used to be a sober about things when I'm drunk/tipsy/whatever. Yet I was surprised myself to find out that I'm done being that little girl. I've grown up. I no longer feel the longing, the pain, the bitterness, whatever you may call it. All I can notice is this great feeling which I don't know how to describe. Hahaha! Well, anyway, don't you feel happy for me? I'm a living proof of someone who has been abandoned with no choice, yet after a few months, was able to redeem myself. Guess it's a matter of perspective, and making the right choices.

Let's all keep this optimism going! Negativity would lead us nowhere. ;)

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2012, Bring It On!

(January 3, 2012 - 3:16 AM)
/ The last night I'd be falling apart. :') /

2011 has been a tough year, I shall say. And with that, I dare not say every single event that happened way back then. I've been trying to figure things out lately, and I've really been through a lot of reminiscing. I've been telling myself to do this, to do that, to leave this, to leave that, to forget this, and remember that. The last days before 2011 ended were filled with emotions at its highest and lowest points. Drama took over me, as I tend to be nostalgic of what I've lost and what I've been missing. But as the year ended, my life has been filled with so much happiness as I realized that despite everything, I'd always have the most unconditional love one can ever have - our parents' love for us.

But these nights are really begging me to fall apart. I am not at my best condition, I shall say. I still have these questions in my mind which are left unanswered. I still have these issues which are left unresolved. For the past few months, I've seen myself holding my head up high. I thought I was that strong, that I was able to get over things that easy. That I was able to wear those laughter and smiles like I haven't been broken. But I was wrong. I am still not over things, and I am still trying to mend my broken heart.

And now let me share to you what changed in me since that heart break. I used to believe in forever, in true love, in those romantic conversations. But now, I honestly don't get any point on their existence. Or maybe, I just could no longer see love (in a romantic sense) as something real, as something which could last forever. I could only see it now as an emotion. The one that isn't stable, the one that could change -- at any moment in time. Then, I've realized... that when someone ruined your so-called forever, it really becomes hard to trust anybody else again. This made me come up with a conclusion: that what I need is NOT a knight in shining armor, NOT even a prince charming NOR some sort of savior. What I need is someone who could make me realize that I am no longer broken, that I am no longer beyond repair. That I am as good as I was, even better, or even at my best.

.... That I am good enough. Even when I'm really not. I could never be good enough. I don't have the perfect package, as any guy would look for. Well, I am just myself. Imperfect, full of impurities, name them. Oh well, whatever. Enough for that self pity part.

I just wanna say that for now, I am bracing myself for a wonderful year. Because despite all the negativity on my mind today, I am moving forward. I know I'll make it through. I've got so much goals for myself and for my family, and that's where I am focusing now. I am not saying goodbye to the past, for I know I'd still refer to it in case I forgot what I've learned before. But I am not letting myself drown into these memories and sulk myself in depression just because I am not romantically loved now. I know what I need more. And I know what I have to let go of.

So 2012, BRING IT ON! ;D

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