Marshall is to Lily; Marv is to Euni

Braced myself for the goodbye

'cause that's all I've ever known

Then you took me by surprise

You said, "I'll never leave you alone"

Mine, Taylor Swift

To the person who restored my faith in everything I never thought I'd believe in again, to the person who I actually never expected I'd fall hardly in love with, to the person who managed to make me feel whole, adored, and well-appreciated, to the person who could deal with me through my best and my worst, to the person who has always been more passionate about the things I've been wanting to do and the person I've been dying to become, to the person who has seen me through all my strengths, pretensions, and weaknesses: I could never thank you enough for standing by my side and for always choosing to stay. Together we'll face our monsters, fears, and Octobers. I love you, my favarrite eunimouse hunter. :*  

P.S. Happy 3 and 2/3 ♥

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P l e a s e

All I know is I’m scared and I do not want us to end.

All I could feel is pain. Then numbness. Then pain again.

Why does this always happen to me?

I feel too broken to be happy right now, and only you can make things alright. Please come back. Please give me an assurance that you will. Can't we just fast forward to when we'll be totally okay again? 

I can't understand what I am feeling right now. I know I'm not mad. Not to you. Maybe I'm mad at myself. I'm partly shattered. I'm hurt. I'm confused at what's happening with you, with us. I feel so unsecured with all these threats around us. I do not know the why's, the how's, not even the what's. What happened to us? Where am I right now? Where are you right now? Where are we going right now? 

Please be okay again. Please say you'll still want me after the time that you need. Please say that we'll still make it work. Please still choose to stay. Please still choose me. Us. Please still choose the future we've been building through the years. Please don't run away alone. Run away with me.

Please don't let me go.

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11:54 - just because I couldn't think of anything better to type in here

I think I've been really selfish and that I've been putting all the blame on you when you have been so patient in dealing with me and my irrationality. I'm too fed up, I get too emotional, and I am blowing everything on you. I am sorry.

I think I've been pushing you away every time you try to reach out to me. I don't know what I am up to, I don't know why am I acting that way, but really, I don't really understand myself too.

I'm tired of all the drama but I always end up making one. I'm sick of all the nonsense arguments but it seems like I'm the only one initiating a fight. I understand that you got tired of me, that you gave up in trying to understand me and my selfish ways. I get tired of myself too, most of the time.

I'm sorry if I make you feel unappreciated, I'm sorry if I keep on acting like this. Maybe I just don't know how to handle myself the way you do. I'm sorry if I act too dependent sometimes, I'm sorry if I don't know what else to say. This baggage is just too heavy that I needed to do something to let it out.

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Okay Lang Ako.

Siyempre ako nanaman yung may mali, yung may kasalanan. Napaka-unreasonable ko kasi, mababaw, at mahirap intindihin. Sorry ha? Hindi ko kasi kayang ipaliwanag nang maayos sarili ko. At tuwing susubukan ko naman, wala namang nakakaintindi sa'kin. Ayoko lang naman makaabala pa sa'yo. Ayokong magmukhang laging nakaasa sa'yo. Eh wala eh, sa kagustuhan kong mapabuti at makauwi nang safe nang mas mabilis at wala nang naaabalang iba pang tao, ako pa'rin yung wala sa lugar. Aminado naman ako na may mali ako eh. Na 'di ko napaalam agad sa'yo. Oo nga naman, may usapan tayo. Napatanga tuloy kita at napaghintay sa wala. 'di ko naman intensiyon 'yon eh. Ngarag lang talaga yung utak ko dahil hindi ko alam kung paano makakauwi at nung tinext naman kita, ang tagal bago mo ako nareplyan. Hihintayin pa ba kita sa ganong lagay? Malaki na ako eh, kaya ko nang dumiskarte sa sarili ko dapat. Kaya sinubukan kong tumayo sa sarili kong paa at nilakasan ko yung loob ko. 

Siyempre hindi mo nanaman ako maiintindihan. Malabo ako eh. Ikaw ba, ni minsan, hindi ka nawala sa sarili mo at dumating sa point na 'di mo na naisip na naghihintay din ako? 'Yung pakiramdam nung iniwan mo nalang ako bigla at nagtext ka na nauna ka na, at itext nalang kita kung nakauwi na ako? Na buong akala ko noong araw na 'yon eh may lakad pa tayo. Tapos kinagabihan sasabihin mo sa'kin na akala mo susunod ako sa'yo. Matapos mo akong sabihan na magtext nalang ako pag nasa bahay na ako? 

Hindi ko alam. Pinipilit din naman kitang intindihin. Pero ngayon, nakakapagod lang. 'Yung pakiramdam na hindi na kasi okay ang lahat sa ibang aspeto ng buhay ko tapos dadagdag ka pa. Hindi kita sinisisi pero nakakabigla lang talaga. Itutulog ko nalang 'to. 

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I Just . . .

I just don't want to be the one who would always ask you if you want to go out and have lunch/dinner together...

Sometimes I just want you to be the one asking me. I want to feel that you are also craving to spend time with me. That you also feel the need to be with me.

But most of the time it sucks to realize that I am this kind of girl. I am who I don't want myself to be...

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At the end of the day...

Sometimes I feel like you're ignoring me on purpose.

Sometimes I feel like you don't care.

Sometimes I feel like you can't understand me.

Or maybe you just don't.

Every time I feel bad about the way you're treating me, I sometimes wonder if this is worth it. I tend to question myself if this is what I really want.

Guess what.

I always end up realizing that despite everything, I still love you and I still think that what we have is worth it and I still find myself saying, "This is what I want. Who I want. What I love. Who I love."

Maybe I was just overreacting. I wasn't thinking clearly. I'm complicated. And so are you. Our points of view clash. You find me unreasonable and shallow, I find you proud and arrogant. But despite these things, we still try to work things out. We try to fix what seems to be broken even though we know that the damage could not be undone...

I am too emotional and I am really difficult to deal with. I know that, honey. I do things you think I shouldn't, I overreact when you think you've done nothing wrong. I easily get jealous and upset. I can't get over with your past relationship(or relationships?). I ask for too much. I sometimes(always?) demand for your time and attention without considering that you also have other priorities to deal with. I complain about simple things, making them more complicated. But, I am.... the girl you've chosen to love.

And at the end of the day, when things go wrong and you complain about how shallow and unreasonable and sensitive I am, I wish you'd end up saying "Mahal ko siya eh," rather than just giving a gesture w/c shows disappointment and "I don't really wanna give a fuck anymore."

Maybe I just want to feel that even when you're upset, you're still on my side. And you're still choosing to stay.

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March 09, 2013

http://instagram.com/p/WqVg-jxtfD/

Here's to a day well-spent with my boyfriend :")

One year down, and for now we'll take it as far as we could go. I love you so much, baby :* I'm sorry kung na-didisappoint kita most of the time. I may not be the type of person who would always know the right things to say, but I am sure that I am that person who would always be willing to stay with you through the good times and the bad. You're one of the best things that I have right now, and I don't want to lose you for some stupid and shallow reasons. Thank you for always being there for me despite everything I've put you through. Mahal kita, sanggol :p :*

~ euni ♥

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You know when love truly sucks?

It's when you tried to give your best to them and yet they keep on looking for something from someone else.

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You say...

You say it's okay, when in fact it's not. You say you aren't expecting, when the truth is, you are. And you have to keep these all to yourself because you don't want to look desperate for his attention, for his presence. But you know to yourself how much it kills you inside. :)

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Done asking for more?

I'm already done asking for more. If you won't give me enough to make me feel special, then it's up to you. I've learned how expectations hurt, and I don't wanna feel disappointments anymore. I'll accept what you give, and we'll be playing fair. :)

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Because you always make sense and I don't. Because you aren't shallow and I am.

And I sometimes wonder how would it be like when I stopped caring too much. When I finally became the person who doesn't give a damn about every little thing. Would it make you feel better or worse? 

Girls have a habit of being too paranoid about little things and guys easily get annoyed about it. But maybe, we just have our own way of showing how we'd like you to care for us. Maybe we're scared for you to get tired of our drama, yet too stubborn to do something 'bout it. But believe me, we're trying. Our emotions are just too strong that we can't handle it right most of the time. Just as you find it hard to manage your anger when you feel tired of dealing with us.

Yes sometimes we're shallow, and we don't make sense. We find it hard to explain ourselves in a way that you'll understand us. We find it hard to tell you that we've only acted/felt that way because we're too afraid of what could possibly happen next. And then the next thing we know, you've already shut yourselves off from us. 

You don't understand how long the things you've said could stay in our minds. We don't understand it too. You try to tell us to get over them because these should stay in the past, and believe me, we really try so hard to do as you say. But we always tend to look back and remember how it felt before. We always tend to bring those things up again because these have become part of who we are now. These things play a crucial role on how we try to understand you and ourselves and on how we deal with the relationship we have. And we'll ask ourselves, is this a good thing or not? 

Little things matter. And I realized that they could either build a great thing up or destroy one. I hope I'll soon find a way to finally let these insecurities and past issues go. I wouldn't want to destroy myself...

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Late Monday Morning Thoughts

You are my lover and my sweetest man

Acting weird around you is just so much fun.

No one has ever made me feel this way

So I'm not letting go, I'm here to stay.

What's up with these words that seem to rhyme?

Oh I don't know baby, they just popped on my mind.

I guess I just simply wanted to let you know

That I'm thinking of you and I'm missing you so.

PS This is really a random post and I didn't actually intend to write a very short "poem" or whatever. So yeah. Good morning! :)  

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Why is everything so confusing?

Words. Words. Words. What do I want to say? What do I want to hear? What do I want to listen to? What do I want to conceal? But really, of all these desires, what do I need?

We're living in a world where we aim to please, as they say. But does this justify the lies we utter in order to please others? Does this justify the pain after knowing we have just been fooled by these words? I don't know. I can't tell. I'm confused, too. 

Why do people have to tell us one thing then take it back? Why do they have to fill our minds with so much hope and promises then leave us hanging afterwards? Why is it so hard to understand what's real and what's not? Why are words so complicated to decipher and figure out? 

It makes me sad and confused, and it hurts. I am emotionally drained from everything. Why do I have to believe one thing and figure out another? And suddenly, they're taking back what you just figured out, saying that what you've been believing is the one that's true. Oh God, I am too tired.

Our mood affects the words we express. You say you were upset, and that made you say those things. But for how long are we going to keep this up? I want to understand you, I want to believe in what you're saying. But how can I deal with all of these when I am too hurt to even think rationally? I am giving the floor to you. If you really want need me in your life, I guess you should do your part. And I'll do mine.

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Uhhh, ehhh, hello? :*

MEH. I dunno why ayum doing this, but yeah, I just wanna make you feel special... and I want you to know that I am a PROUD GIRLFRIEND too! Because I have you. :( 

So... hello Mr. Marvin Carandang, happy 1/12versary (uhh, sayo galing yan diba? :P). :") I don't want this post to be so cheeeeeeessssssyyyyy and I just wanna make it brief. Sobrang nacoconscious kasi ako sa grammar pag ikaw kausap ko. :| =)) THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE ME FEEL. :( But meh, whatever, I love you. And I know you love me too. :*

Months ago, I blogged something 'bout myself not being romantically loved and how I actually set that matter aside. That post proves that I never really saw someone like you coming into my life and changing it in a blink of an eye. I remember telling myself how I don't want to believe in love anymore. I remember being so scared to become attached again because I know how vulnerable I can be in the process. I remember telling my friends that I don't wanna be involved in any serious relationship yet. I remember how I used to hold back for the fear of being hurt again. . . but you were just so consistent that you were able to make me fall through the efforts you've shown. You were so persistent that even though it annoyed me at first, you managed to make me feel special and loved again. (Sometimes I hate myself for being so easy to get, honestly. :| )

It has been too fast for us, don't you think? But now, I honestly don't care about it anymore. Love isn't being measured on how long two people take time to be officially together, anyway. And relationships last long not just because of a strong connection couples built before being committed to each other. I guess love is more of taking risks and not just waiting for a perfect time for everything. 

You've been asking me, ano bang nagustuhan ko sa'yo? Well, man, honestly? You're simply irresistible. No further explanation needed. And if you aren't satisfied yet with my answer, urghh, bahala ka na. :| :)) Hindi ko kasi alam paano ieexplain sayo yung mga bagay na nararamdaman nalang eh. And you know that I'm the kind of person who always runs out of words to say. :(

Anyway, thank you. For making me feel whole again. For being so patient to me especially when it comes to my immaturity and, well, my nerdy personality. Thank you for being an understanding and an open-minded boyfriend. Thanks for always being there. For making me feel so loved all the time. Pssssh. I LOVE YOU. :) And I want you to remember that. Don't ask me 'til when will I feel this way for you. What matters most is now. :*

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"Nalulungkot ka, umiiyak ka, DAHIL iniwan ka. HINDI dahil wala na siya."

Let me quote it once again,

"Nalulungkot ka, umiiyak ka, DAHIL iniwan ka. HINDI dahil wala na siya."

Makes sense? Of course it does. I actually heard this from my best friend, as she quoted a priest who said these lines. Then these words were suddenly stuck on my head and it eventually inspired me to write on my blog again. Why?

Because I know how it feels. To be sad, depressed, hopeless, left behind, hanging and alone with no choice. Name it. We surely have went through these feelings - when people leave us, when someone dies, when a friend ignores us, or even when a loved one decided to go on with life without us. Heartbreaking. You're feeling bad for yourself. Because once again, someone has to leave you. And they left you with no choice but to accept it and just be happy for them.

In this kind of circumstance, people would usually think, "Hindi ko kakayanin pag iniwan mo ako." Or, "Hindi ko alam gagawin ko pag nawala ka." I've heard these lines a hundred times before. Witnessed it on my own. These words were usually giving a person the feeling that someone is afraid of losing them, that someone could not live without them. But eventually these words were just words. Because no matter how much we try to keep and hold on to these, they would just mean nothing when the time comes.

Some people would say, "I couldn't go on with life without him/her anymore." And some wise man would answer, "Nagawa mo ngang mabuhay noon nang wala siya. Magagawa mo ulit yan." And normally our response would be, "Iba kasi nung dumating siya sa buhay ko. Nasanay na ako na nandiyan siya."

My stand on that? Nasanay ka lang. And now that you're left alone again, you just didn't like the feeling that someone just broke your heart for the nth time. (Who does?) But the point is, you could still go on. You could be happy. You could live your life the way you did before. It wouldn't really be the same, because of the simple reason that nothing ever stays the same. It is actually a matter of choosing between being happy or feeling sorry for yourself.

Honestly, I used to believe that the lost of someone we used to value so much is the reason why we feel bad, even so depressed at times. Then I heard the words, "Nalulungkot ka, umiiyak ka, DAHIL iniwan ka. HINDI dahil wala na siya," and I started to realize how true it was. How empty it feels to be left behind. Nawalan na ako ng mahal sa buhay at alam ko yung pakiramdam. Pero ngayon ko lang narealize na iniyakan ko sila dahil iniwan nila ako; dahil iniwan nila kaming malalapit sa buhay nila na nasanay na sa presensiya at pangangalaga nila. We're not actually crying for the fact that they're gone. We're actually mourning for ourselves because we just couldn't be with them as often as we used to before, because they left us. When in truth, we should be happy because they aren't feeling the pain this Earth has to give them. God has already taken them to heaven and took away their pain.

And from this, I actually had the courage to face the world again. I could live without you, my dear friend. It won't really be the same, but I'm doing well. The sadness and emptiness I am having is not because of your absence in my life. It's more of the feeling you've given me when you walked out at the unexpected time. Didn't brace myself for that, because I've been believing in you all along. I've been holding on to promises, to those words you've said before. I'm over those romantic conversations. You were the one who used to tell me how afraid you are of losing me, of me getting tired of you, of me deciding to just leave you hanging. But who did what? Who broke whose heart? Who felt what? WHO?

HINDI AKO NALULUNGKOT AT HINDI KITA INIYAKAN NOON DAHIL WALA KA NA. NARAMDAMAN KO PALA YUNG MGA YUN DAHIL INIWAN MO AKO. . . when you said you won't at wala kamong magbabago.

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Because I Just Need An Outlet of Emotions.

"Sometimes, you have to give up on that one person. not because you want to, but because you have to."

Damn this quote, which made me think about things again. Yes, everything seems to be fine. And indeed, some things really are. Acads, family stuffs, love matters, friends, name them. But nothing's constant. Everything is subject to change. Everything is vulnerable to the so-called changes.

So let me cut this short. I don't wanna blab about every detail of what I really want to talk about.

I'm afraid. So damn afraid of changes between US. So damn terrified of what could possibly happen in the future. We both know something, and that thing will always be on our way. No matter how much we try to fight for ourselves. I guess I just need to let this out. Through this.

Walang araw na dumaan na di ko naiisip yung mga bagay bagay. Whatever those things are, we'll keep it to ourselves. Masakit, and I shall admit, no matter how much I try to just get over it, that pain wouldn't fade away. We can pretend that things are going well, but at the end of the day, we both know what's really happening. And what's bound to happen. And I'm typing here teary eyed because I know how difficult it is for us, for me, for you, most specially. I don't wanna be just a part of your memory. I don't wanna be just a fragment of your past. Because I just wanna be your present, and the future you are looking forward to. Heartbreak after heartbreak, I know I'll never love this way again. And I never wanna lose my best friend, my brother, my soul mate, my knight in shining armor, my lover, my true love, my angel, my husband, my baby, my everything. And it breaks me to pieces everytime I think of us coming to an end. After everything. After those promises, those dreams we built together, those sweet words, poems and songs which describe our lives as one.

All I wanna be with is you. It may be too early to say, but at least it won't be too late. I'm holding on, as long as we still know we'd get through this. Together, we'll break the walls, we'll cross the oceans, we'll fly through the sky. Because I still believe in us. I still believe in you. I still believe that our love is true, and will NEVER be through.

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Tuloy na tuloy na, pero hindi pala.

Minsan, hindi ko maintindihan ang mga pangyayari. Bakit ganito, bakit ganyan. Hindi ko rin lubos maunawaan kung bakit may mga bagay na nagaganap, at may mga bagay na nauudlot. Bakit nga ba ganun? Pag nakaplano, hindi matutuloy. Pag biglaan, sige-sige nalang. Kaya siguro minsan, mas maganda ang kinalalabasan ng mga biglaang lakad, yung mga hindi matagal na hinintay at pinag-usapan. Kasi yun, kapag biglaang hindi narin natuloy, hindi gaano masakit. Madaling intindihin, at madaling unawain.

Bakit ko nga ba nasasabi ang mga ito? Saan nanggagaling ang mga salitang binibitawan ko? Marahil ay nais ko lamang maglabas ng anumang nasa isip ko ngayon, at ng kung anumang nararamdaman ko. Hindi ako magbabanggit ng anumang pangalan, o partikular na pangyayari. Ang nais ko lang naman ay ang maibuhos ang saloobing buong araw kong tinago, hindi dahil sa ayokong magkwento, kundi dahil mas gusto kong makapag-isip nang walang halong panghuhusga ng ibang tao sa mga nangyayari.

Sa halos buong araw na pag-iisip, napagtanto ko na may mga bagay na kahit gusto kong intindihin, ay hindi ko parin lubos na maintindihan. Siguro, hindi kasi lahat ng bagay ay iniintindi, minsan, mas angkop na tanggapin nalang ito. Kaso, hindi ba yun ang nakakagulo? Kasi paano mo matatanggap ang isang bagay na hindi mo naman ito lubos na nauunawaan? Hay, ewan ko ba. Siguro ganoon nalang talaga. Hindi lahat ng bagay madali. Gaya nitong tinatype ko sa blog na ito, ni hindi ko mapagbuklod ang bawat ideya na tumatakbo sa isip ko.

Mabalik tayo sa mga usapang natutuloy at nauudlot. Bakit nga ba ganoon? Kung kailan anjan na, maghahanda ka na, malalaman mo nalang na may pangyayaring makakahadlang sa napag-usapan na? Tapos, bigla nalang, wala na. Sira na ang lahat. Sira narin ang araw mo. Sira na ang lahat. Wala ka naman ding magawa kasi, sino ka ba, hindi ba? Hindi mo naman kontrolado ang lahat. Kaso, ang mahirap lang, yung pakiramdam na, ang tagal mong hinintay. Umasa kang matutuloy. Pero sa araw ding iyon, malalaman mo na hindi mo na kailangan maghintay pa. Hindi mo na kailangang umasa pa. Kasi wala ka narin palang inaasahan. Yung inakala mong magiging magandang araw, nasira na. Yung inakala mong makakapawi ng hirap sa matagal na paghihintay, nawala na. Ang sakit diba? Pero wala kang magawa. Lagi nalang walang magawa.

Bukod pa doon, ang sakit ding isipin na ganun nalang, na hindi na natuloy, na wala na, tapos. Move on nalang. Ano pa nga ba diba? Ni wala manlang, "sa susunod ganito ganyan", "wag ka mag-alala, gagawan natin ng paraan", "sa ibang araw nalang". Ay, meron pala. Pero, huli na. Nasira na ang araw mo, ayaw mo nang umasa sa kung ano pa. Wala ka narin sa mood sa kung anong lakad pa. Sabi nga nila, tanggapin mo nalang. Nanjan na, nangyari na. Hindi naman sa tinatanggihan mo na matuloy pa ang naudlot na plano. Hinintay mo din yun eh, at siyempre, gusto mo talagang matuloy yun. Pero yun nga lang, nandun na yung pakiramdam na hindi ko maintindihan. Alam niyo yung pakiramdam na sira na lahat? Gusto mo nalang ng oras sa sarili mo? Kasi nakakapagod nadin magbigay ng oras sa ibang tao kung minsan. Tapos, madalas ikaw yung nag-aadjust, kasi kung hindi, sino pa?

Hindi naman sa nagrereklamo o ayoko na nito. Sa pag-iisip ko sa mga panahong pinili kong manahimik at walang kausapin na kahit sino, may mga bagay din akong naunawaan, at napaliwanagan. Hindi naman sa hindi ko naiintindihan ang naging rason ng hindi pagkakatuloy ng isang bagay, dahil sa totoo, naiintindihan ko naman. Naging masakit lang talaga at mahirap. Kasi hinintay mo, umasa ka, pero wala na naman. Tinanggihan kong tumuloy pa nung tinanong ako kung gusto ko pa talaga makipagkita dahil ayoko ding ipilit pa. Gusto kong makipagkita, siyempre, at hindi na tinatanong pa yun. Pero may mga bagay na sadyang nag-iwan na ng marka, at kinakailangan mo pa ng oras para mabura ang markang iyon. Kaya tumanggi ako. Nakabuti narin nga iyon dahil nagka-oras ako na unawain at palipasin ang sama ng loob ko.

Sa ngayon, maayos na ako. Okay na, kumbaga. Ayoko ring matapos ulit ang araw nang hindi maayos ang lahat. Ang hirap na nga diba? Matagal na kayong hindi nagkakasama, ganoon pa. Mas gugustuhin ko parin namang tanggapin at intindihin nalang, kesa ilang araw nanamang magtampo at magsawalang imik dahil lang sa mababaw na pangyayaring ito. Natatakot lang ako, na baka dumating sa punto na mapagod ako sa ganito. Sa paghihintay sa wala. Ilang beses na ba nangyari, hindi ba? Gayunpaman, wala akong isinusuko. Lumalaban parin ang sigaw ng puso ko sa mga duda ng isip ko. Pero sana manlang, maiparamdam mo din sa galaw at kilos mo, at hindi lang sa salita ako aasa sayo. Na pag dumating ang araw na mas malabo at mas mahirap na ang lahat, hindi mo din ako isusuko. :|

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