It's mid-2018 and you're staring back on those 6 months which had passed you by. It's quite surprising how days went by that fast, or slow, or just the way they normally do. 6 months of thinking how to do better. 6 months of trying to make things happen. 6 months of living in the moment and reminiscing the past. 6 months of pondering on where you want to be 10 years from now. 6 months. . .
While people are scared of getting old, I'm scared of being stuck as an impulsive teenager who just does whatever she wants, without carefully accounting for what could happen next. Admittedly, I have the tendency to just do what I want and fuck everything else. I would drop my priorities just to give way for the temporary bliss and ecstatic distraction. I see these things as my way of relieving stress and getting away from my sense of loneliness. It was fun. It was reassuring. But in those six months, I knew that it wasn't enough.
I want to build dreams and make those dreams come true. I want to see myself grow from someone I knew to someone I could barely recognize. I want to become a better person, someone who doesn't settle for anything less. I want to be emotionally stable and make decisions objectively. I want to understand things, people, and circumstances. I want to know more, and be exposed in a different world that I barely know. I want to inspire people, and tell them that I, too, have been in their shoes in one way or another. I want to make a difference. I want to change.
I know how incoherent the previous statements sound, but, that incoherence is what I am. I am one thing, but I am another. I do this thing, but my mind suggests a different action. This incoherence confuses people, even myself. That was when I knew that I could not even decipher myself.
What holds me together, however, is that I wanna be something. I wanna be someone. And for now, just for now, maybe that could be enough.
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