I've never been a good kid.
I like breaking the rules, I enjoy the thrill of not getting caught for doing something that I'm prohibited to do.
But I like pleasing people too.
I like being praised for my accomplishments, being awarded for what I've done right in the eyes of my spectators.

--

I want to be understood.
For the past few years that I've spent in college, I've been trying to discover who I am.
I've always wanted to fit in, that when I discovered that it's totally alright to be myself, I've decided to become someone else instead - someone who doesn't go with people for the sake of "being cool" or "being accepted," or "fitting in." And I found myself.
But still, I badly to be understood that I have forgotten how to do the same for the people I care about.

--

I am selfish.
Damn I am hell one of a selfish girl.
I prioritize my happiness, my wants, and my desires, while neglecting how will it affect others.

--

I want to be independent.
Growing up as an only child was tough enough for me to learn to depend on myself.
I wanna be one of those people who could suffice themselves for the things they wanted to do, to explore, to achieve. I don't wanna be controlled. I hate being supervised 24/7. For me, it hinders my growth and my capabilities as a person. It limits what I can do to fully become myself.
Let me learn through my mistakes, let me go through the adventures that you are afraid to take.
I become more rebellious when held captive.
And it does me or anyone no good.

--

I'm 23 and I wanna live free.
I wanna be someone else.
I wanna be me.

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Pagkukulang

Huwag mo na isipin kung saan ka nagkulang. Sa natitirang oras at mga araw, pangtuunan mo nalang ng panahon ang mas mahahalaga pang bagay. Dahil kung pagkukulang lang ang pag-uusapan, kakainin ka nanaman ng kalungkutan.

Laban lang. Ang mahalaga, lumalaban ka.

posted from Bloggeroid

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Hi anxious self!

You know you can make it, you just have to make it happen! Just keep going!

Extreme feels rn because hey, 1 month till the actual boards! It's a make or break for me...

posted from Bloggeroid

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She's a Paradox - or is She, Really?

"Why are you acting like this, over and over again?"
I asked myself.

"I don't know, either."
She answered.

I don't get her.

She's some self-centered bitch who likes attention, yet she's someone who can't stand being around a bunch of people.

She'd say she understands you, yet she will make you feel uncomfortable with who and how you are.

She'd try to hear you out, but when you're done talking, she'd start to point out everything that is wrong with what you have just said.

But she also says that she's willing to look past it. She says that as long as this makes you happy, it should not bother her that much.

She says that it's good, it's fine, it's nothing. But she betrays herself by feeling otherwise at the same time.

Why is she so complicated?

She doesn't deserve anyone. She ends up destroying them in the process of feeding herself. She's a self-centered monster. She knows it. She's aware of it. She doesn't enjoy it either... but she could not stop herself from doing it, over and over again.

See, that's what she is. That's how she is.

She'd cling so much to you that she'll suffocate you in the long run.
(I'm trying not to. I'm really trying so hard to beat this girl in my head.)

She'd drown you in her, she'd embrace you with what she thinks is love.
(Isn't this love?)

She'd poison you with tears, with shallow arguments, and unnecessary self-pitying drama.
(I know I'm stronger than this. I know I am.)

She'd drive you crazy for not understanding herself.
(I'm trying to, I swear.)

She's too strong, she can't even handle who she is.
(Am I? Can I?)

Or she's too weak, she doesn't know how to deal with it.
(I don't know what you're talking about anymore...)

But this girl is something.

Maybe, maybe not.

Oh god this is insane. What have I been doing?

Okay this isn't making any sense anymore.

You should start living your life instead.

I don't know...

I think it's just unfair for people to choose me, to choose self-destruction, to choose chaos.

Wait why are we talking about that again?

Aren't we done yet?

...

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Just A Thought

It's sad that as each day goes by, it gets more clear to me that I am such a selfish human & no one deserves me & I'm better off alone

#kbye #random

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I Am

I’m lost.
The person I once was is fading into the darkness.
I am left here trapped, lonely, and frustrated.
There are a lot of things I wish I could do, but I couldn’t.
A lot of versions of myself I wish I am, but I wasn’t.
What have I done to myself?

I’m exhausted.
People expect me to be this, but I want to be that.
I think I am capable of choosing, but I am not.
At the process of making them happy, I’ve drained myself.
Now I’m thinking, “How can I possibly do something for others,
If I no longer have the energy and drive to do so?”

I’m no one.
I’ve always wanted to make a difference, to be someone.
But I’ve lost my senses, and I do not know who I am.
Constantly battling with my own thoughts and emotions,
Always searching for the right answers.
Who am I again?

It’s been a gloomy day, or has it been a year already?
I need to find my light, my fire, myself
I need to regain my enthusiasm, my positive force, my drive.
I do not expect you to understand what is happening,
But I am hoping that you’d let me do this. . .
Or the cycle will just go on, and on, and on.  –A.E. 2/9/16

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For the friendships kept, and have never lost

For the years of memories, and secrets told

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It's the little things

For the weekends well-spent, and hours that will forever be cherished ❤

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Stay Motivated

"Keep going,"

I keep on telling myself.

Some days are difficult, but it's only a matter of time, patience, and perseverance.

There are days when I just want to give things up. And on these days, the only thing that keeps me going is those people who believe in me - in who they think I am, in what they think I can do. It helps to be humble but it doesn't hurt to have something that can boost your confidence. It ignites your desire to keep going. It helps you have a sense of direction, something that guides you towards your goals. I am a dreamer with a lot of aspirations. Maybe I can't be everything I want to be now, but I am pretty sure that in a span of a year or two, I'll be closer to becoming that girl. That lady. That I'll be more than just a dreamer by then.

Keep going. Stay motivated. And most of all, do not let your desires die inside your heart. It deserves to be fuelled. But it isn't meant to be burned.

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Dear Self

Tomorrow marks the beginning of your second journey as a reviewee. I know it hurts that you did not make it at first, but it has been over for quite a while already and you have to move forward. You have to start again to redeem yourself.

You can do it, so don't be afraid of the challenges ahead. You have always been strong enough, and you'll only gain more strength as the days pass by. So keep going and keep fighting.

Be the person you have always been dreaming about.

Be the achiever you are, and have always been.

Make things happen. Turn your dreams into reality.

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