Monday, August 28, 2017

#Bolder2017


(c) https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/68/11/62/681162e99dcbf10f66f11dc7ba8a3a36.jpg

This post was long overdue.

We're already halfway through 2017, and guess what, nothing much has really changed.

I guess this is the point where I start questioning myself again if I am in the right place; if I chose the right job; if I made the right decisions.

When you're 24 and you still feel lost, people would normally think, "It's okay. You're still too young to have your whole life figured out."

But guess what? I don't think we are too young or too old for anything.


By this time of my life, I think I should already have at least a blueprint of where I wanna go, of what I wanna do, of how I am going to be that version of myself.

But I don't.

I'm still sketching, still doodling, still throwing scratch papers away because nothing seems perfect, nothing seems to fit what it is I have on my mind.

I am still a huge mess, an unsolved jigsaw puzzle that's left on the floor 'cause I am not eager enough to shuffle the pieces to make me feel whole.

And I may not show it, but it feels empty most of the time - waking up everyday doing the same routine, and sleeping on the same bed with nothing much going on in my mind. It feels like I'm already settling with the kind of life I have now, and that scares and saddens me at the same time. . .


because I never dreamed to be the girl who settles.


I am the girl who loves to break walls and boundaries to go to places and seek new experiences.

I am the girl who's always enthused to be challenged, who never backs down whenever she wants to fight for something.

I am the girl who never gives up despite the obstacles she's trudging.

The girl who would occasionally have a break down, but would keep on picking up herself after falling.


And the sad thing is, I don't even know who I am now.


I guess I've been settling for the past months, because I'm afraid to commit mistakes, because I am too fragile to face the reality, because I don't feel that I will ever be good enough, because the society expects me to become less of who I want to be.


There are too many limitations and I feel trapped within those walls.


And I could do nothing but to roam around the same room every single day.

To continue walking through the same path which doesn't really go anywhere.

To continue running through a treadmill feeling tired and exhausted, but haven't really gone too far yet.

To continue standing in the middle of all my anxieties and wait for something to change.


But I don't wanna wait anymore.

I want to make things happen.

I want to continue dreaming big, and making those dreams my reality.

I want to be that fearless 24 year-old, who jumps into opportunities to make a difference.


I'm craving for a sense of fulfillment, craving for change, craving for a bolder version of who I am right now.


I know I don't have all the time in the world, but I also know that it is not yet too late.


I know that I can still be that girl. . .

and that I will be that girl.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

To my Forever Guy


How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43)
Elizabeth Barrett Browning, 1806 - 1861
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of being and ideal grace. I love thee to the level of every day's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.



Looking back at how we started, I never knew that we'd last this long. We were two competitive individuals who won't back down whenever we are challenged/questioned. I lived by the books, and you lived by your experiences and innate wisdom. We were two different persons who happened to be at the same class; MGT01, how can I ever forget that?

I admired how friendly and easy going you were. Out of all the people in the room who belonged to AHR, you were the most approachable one. I wanted to go when you invited Noni and me. I wanted to know what you'd be like outside the school's premises. I wanted to belong to the group that you were a part of. I wanted to know you, as a friend.

But you got into my nerves when you came in late and bombarded us with your questions. You weren't even there while we were discussing our report! I wanted to tell you to get the hell out as you know nothing, I wanted to tell you to shut your mouth up. Instead, you saw me get burned, unable to defend myself from your fiery attack. I was embarrassed that you beat me, but I was still trying not to let you see that. I still wanted to impress you with whatever bullshit that's coming out of mouth. I'm that girl.

Months passed by, and I don't even remember what the hell happened until some stalker was texting me. I don't entertain such people, as you figured. You were that stalker who keeps on flooding my inbox by those messages that I can't even remember now. So you eventually revealed who you are.

We've never seen each other for so long since the last MGT class, then sembreak came, enrollment came, and classes started again. It was a really small school, so how come we've never even bumped into each other until like a month or so after classes had started again? I will never forget your face when we saw each other again somewhere near the bookstore (?), and I was so shocked I didn't even react. "Oh, hi" was all I could say, eh?

Then one random day I sent a "group message" asking who wanna watch that Twilight movie with me. (That GM was sent to you and Danao only :)) cos I knew you're gonna ask him if he received the same message too ) You were the only one who said YES (of course?) And uhm, I was kinda expecting that you would go with me too. And I felt unexplainable when you did.

Our first date was filled with fries and awkwardness and random stories at McDo SM Manila, and some hoping-I-held-your-hand at the movie house. I was telling you stories about my ex, and you are too. There were moments that time when I drifted away that I can barely hear you anymore. I guess I was too busy trying to figure how I was feeling that day. (It was confusing man, as I thought you were gay and wtf I'm sort of developing something for a gay guy? Uh oh.)

I knew you are not a fan of Twilight, and you didn't enjoy the movie; but I'm really glad you went out with me.

Remember when you left your keys @ McDo? We made frog faces/turtle faces on our train ride before you realised that you left them there. I was your jinx, we declared.

Then we're all filled with casual convos and some late night fb chats, which made no sense at all. But sometimes I just go online hoping you'd notice me. (Did I ever tell you that before?)


December came and you've taken a Finma to your knee. I remember you telling me that and I didn't know how to respond. I was scared to show too much concern, so I held back. But right then and there, I wanted to comfort you so bad.

Hence, I tagged you on that Christmas greeting to somehow lighten up your mood and for you to notice how (pa)cute I was.

Oh and guess who the hell calls on a New Year's eve? I've never felt so special that time as I don't usually get calls on that day. While people were busy texting and posting on fb, you were the only one who had time to call people to greet them.

January, when you came back from Baguio, you've given me choco flakes and strawberry jam(?). That was so random, and I was so touched again by what you've done. Wtf are you doing? Oh, maybe he was just really that friendly guy.

Then February came and you took me by surprise. "I-knew-you-weren't-gay" day was born and damn, why have I been holding back?

Things didn't go perfectly and smoothly afterwards. We had our "not-yet" moments, our ups and downs (literally and figuratively), our nonsensical arguments (mostly initiated by my unreasonable self), and a lot more in between. Things were tough, but we are tougher so we always had a way out.

You can say that our relationship was filled with my unnecessary drama. But on another perspective, it was mostly filled with food, tv series, and corny jokes and knock-knocks. I thought we're like Lily and Marshall, not really a Monica and Chandler nor a Ross and Rachel. We're Lily pad and Marshmallow, we fly and march mellow. (Huh?)

Even the most admirable couples in tv series have their flaws. They have their shortcomings, their misunderstandings, their unreconcilable differences.

But at the end of the day, I'll always remember how good we are together, how my hand perfectly fits yours, how your armpit feels like home for my little head, how you'd laugh at my clumsiness, how your heart beats whenever I lay my head on top of your chest, how your dandruff falls from your scalp, how your eyes speaks to me in thousand different ways, how you'd find ways to surprise me but we're really bad at surprises (oh but my fave was that taco bell/turks one ❤), and most of all, how heavy we've become since the day that we've met. I'll keep on remembering the good things to outweigh the bad.

I hope, that you too, won't ever forget how our lips lock in together, as we cherish all the good things that we've gone through the past years of our lives.

I know you're still there, and I know that I'm still there, all lost among these clouds and storm. I promised before to never give up on you when something like this happens again, right? I'll keep that promise. No matter what.

So here I am, still holding on to a glimpse of our future, to Zxyllrh and Zxyllh and PugPug.

I'll always love you with all my hearrt and eunicorn farts. 

(By now I think you're already complaining by my lack of grammatical sequence/coherence. I'm sorry you have to deal with that all throughout this lengthy post.)

- Your Forever Girl

Sunday, November 06, 2016

Out with the Old, In with the New


Just a week ago, my Samsung Galaxy A7 (Saxy) phone gave up on me. She has been a friend of mine since March 2015. And, damn, she's such a strong girl for all the stumbling and falling that she's gone through. Sadly though, I couldn't fix her anymore. It took me a week trying to bring her back to life; but apparently, some things aren't meant to stay with you for so long. So rest in peace Saxy, you've been so dear to me.

Meet Sassy, the bold-faced companion who will be joining me in my adventures from this day onwards. She got me through her charms and spells and promises, and yep, let's see how far we could go together. 

Monday, October 03, 2016

Happy October!



Your existence is more than a blessing to the people you're showering your love and kindness with. . . When no one wanted to listen, you were there to understand. When every one wanted to go, you were there to stay all throughout. When I wanted to be left alone, you gave me what I needed. But you never abandoned me as a friend. You never left. You have never forgotten. You've always been there through the good, the best, the bad, and the worst. I've told you things about me and never feared that you'll judge me for how messed up I could be sometimes. I always knew you'd understand. I always knew how genuine you are.

To the best college friend I've ever had, Belated Happy Birthday to you. I know we're quite occupied and full with everything that's going on in our lives right now, but I know that nothing could ever change the bond that we've built so far.

You taught me how to be strong despite feeling helpless; how to look fearless despite all the monsters at the back of my head. You are such an amazing individual, and I hope that you would continue spreading out your wings and become the woman you ought to be.

Stay strong, stay brave, stay fearless.

And most of all, never ever give up on yourself.
*POWER HUGS*

Sending my love from here to wherever you are,
Euni ❤

posted from Bloggeroid

Sunday, September 04, 2016

I Can!


(ctto)

Tomorrow's gonna be the 1st day where we'll be deployed officially, and as doubts fill my head, I am trying to overcome my fears with optimism at the same time.

I shouldn't be afraid of committing mistakes; I am new at this and there's still much time to learn and adjust. I know I can do this. I know I can excel on what I do.

I just have to believe in myself. I just have to believe that I can.

posted from Bloggeroid

Monday, August 29, 2016

Stay Positive
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My blog has been filled with so much negativity and sadness for the past year, and I've actually been thinking of giving it a revamp. I was about to open a new account at Wordpress, when I realized that, I should really stop running away every time I feel the need to rearrange my life.

So here I am, trying to make a shift out of this page.

(Oh my god, who would have thought that I've been using Blogger since 2009? Don't even try to look back, guys. You'll regret reading my terrible teenage dramas. LOL)

Let this post actually be the page marker of my daily(I swear I'll try) dose of motivation. I've been working since last month, and since I am new at this phase of my life, there had been days wherein I'd really just want to curl up and spend the entire day doing nothing. But then I'd jump out of my bed realizing that NO I CAN'T DO THAT BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO TO WORK TODAY.

I know I'm just starting and it'll probably take awhile for me to get used to this adulting thing. So while the ride is still smooth and the boat is still sailing on a calm sea, I'd try to prepare myself for the possible storms and rough roads ahead. 

CPA to CPA

From a Collegian Persevering Accountant to a Certified Public Accountant
A work-in-progress for 6 years or so

My story is quite cliché - a transferee from a prestigious university who decides to redeem herself after a series of failures. Nothing seems to be worth sharing anymore, as we all could predict how this journey to becoming a CPA actually ended.

But let me just share to you the highlights of this particular phase in my life.

MARCH to OCTOBER 2015
 After graduating on March 2015, I have been set to take the boards on October to give way for my formal review. If you'd go back to my previous posts, you'll probably discover how unstable I was during those months before the boards. I went from being complacent, to being motivated, to being lost, to being depressed, to being 103% unprepared.

But I took the boards, anyway.

And guess what?

I failed.

Not conditioned. Not even an almost passer.

I never thought I was setting myself up to fail until my boyfriend actually slapped those words into my face. He was right. I hate it when he's right. I tried to reason out, I tried to come up with excuses, but the truth is, I am not exerting the effort I knew I needed to pass the exam. A part of me didn't want to. I knew I didn't want to.

I wanted a different path for myself, I wanted to pursue a different dream - my own dream. And my mind was clouded with so much passion for what I thought was the right path for me, that I end up sabotaging the present.

Regrets set in after that.

I was a failure, not just to myself, but to my parents as well. But they loved me anyway. 

Post-results dilemma comes next. Should I start working already so I could finance my own expenses? I'm 22 and I'm supposed to be earning already, but I am stuck here for this fucking board exam. Who needs titles to their names anyway? Or maybe I should try to become a full-time reviewee again and redeem myself. Or maybe not?

NOVEMBER 2015 to MARCH 2016
Yup, you guessed it right - I enrolled for review again and didn't actually pursue working full-time nor part-time. I thought that maybe, I should be focusing on review this time and should not let anything become a distraction.

But these months made me an emotional wreck - once again, I felt lost, confused, and unable to actually function very well. My motivation went from 99% to 9%. I was drowning in my own fears and trapped in my own anxiety.  I felt useless, I felt incapable, I felt so insignificant.

I thought faith could bring me back to life but no, it did not. Yes, it probably helped for a while, until I found myself screaming in pain again.

These months were excruciating.

I was needing my own support system. I was needing something to hold on to. I was actually dependent on some people to give me strength during these times that I forgot that they needed their own strength too.

And when I wasn't getting the support I thought I needed, I broke down, and I cried for nights. I was even crying every morning when I wake up. I guess self-pitying had been a hobby. I wasn't so proud of who I was during those times.

Until I snapped, and saw myself in the mirror.

I looked terrible. I feel horrible.

What have I done to myself?

APRIL 2016 
I woke up surrounded with my own tears, wounds, and pieces of me I could never even recognize. So I started picking myself up, and finally decided that this paranoia should already stop. The nightmares should be burned and forgotten. I should start moving forward and get on with my life.

As crazy as it may sound, I am admitting that talking to myself in front of the mirror actually helped me get through this month, especially in those times when I feel alone. I realized that no one could ever help me but myself.

So, I became my own knight, saving the princess who's trapped within the slave I am pretending to be.

"Believe in yourself" has been my daily mantra.

Trust me, it works.

MAY 2016
When May came, I have already conditioned myself. I felt ready, I felt like I could conquer the world. It wasn't pride that I was feeling, nor was overconfidence. It was this belief that I could make it, that I shouldn't let my anxiety overpower me once again.

That was actually an effective move until P2 happened. P2 triggered my anxiety, P2 brought back all the feels that I have managed to set aside for the past 2 months.

Damn, life. Stop being such a bitch.

--

Waiting was really the crucial part. I didn't want to check the results online, but I ended up trying to peek at PRC's website anyway. Going to Baguio with my boyfriend has somehow calmed my senses. 50's Diner was a really good anxiety reliever (lol.)

MY FAVE PART
Results came out the moment we arrived in Manila. I asked my boyfriend if we could buy an ice cream downstairs. I was on my nth stick, and we're having a conversation that went like this:

Him: Hindi naman siguro sila maglalabas ng results ng ganitong oras 'no? (They wouldn't be releasing the results at this time of the day, right?)
Me: Ano ka ba, parang 'di mo naalala yung iniyakan ko ng ganitong oras last year. Mga 1AM ganyan, nilalabas nila. Pag tulog na lahat. (Can't you remember that I cried at this hour last year? They released the results at around 1AM, when everyone's asleep already.)
*he looks at me smiling foolishly*
Me: What?
*shows his phone to me*
Him: CPA na yung girlfriend ko. (My girlfriend's now a CPA.) *he's still smiling*
Me: Ano 'to? Pinagttripan mo ba ako? (What's this? Are you joking around with me?)

It was indeed one of the most unforgettable moments in my life and I just couldn't erase that from my memory. It felt surreal, that I didn't even know if it's normal that I couldn't cry nor stop smiling. And my partner's there, sharing that moment with me.

--
It wasn't long until I sent a message to my parents, telling them the good news I knew they deserved. And this was the tear-jerker. My dad sent me a reply saying, "CPA na yung anak ko. Ang ganda ng pa-birthday ni Lord sa'kin." (My daughter's already a CPA. The Lord has given me the best birthday gift)

He isn't a man who says a lot when it comes to things like this, but when he does, it never fails to hit me hard. It's not that my mom's words were of less importance, it's just that, there are some things that are of greater impact when it comes to a particular person.

Nonetheless, I know I made them equally proud. They deserved this. They worked hard for this. And they finally made it. We finally made it.

--------
EDIT:

I think a significant part of this journey has been omitted while I was writing this post. And yes, it has been bugging me for weeks. I guess it deserves to be out here as well.

I may have written that faith had helped me only for a while, but I failed to mention how much it did wonders during the week of the boards. I have this pdf file on my phone sent by one of my closest friends; it is a book called "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. It is designed to be read daily, giving you enlightenment for that particular day of the year. I usually read mine every morning, to start my day with a glimpse of motivation.

On the day before the exams, it said:


And that's when I knew to myself that I am going to be a CPA this May 2016. 

Thursday, July 07, 2016

I've never been a good kid.
I like breaking the rules, I enjoy the thrill of not getting caught for doing something that I'm prohibited to do.
But I like pleasing people too.
I like being praised for my accomplishments, being awarded for what I've done right in the eyes of my spectators.

--

I want to be understood.
For the past few years that I've spent in college, I've been trying to discover who I am.
I've always wanted to fit in, that when I discovered that it's totally alright to be myself, I've decided to become someone else instead - someone who doesn't go with people for the sake of "being cool" or "being accepted," or "fitting in." And I found myself.
But still, I badly to be understood that I have forgotten how to do the same for the people I care about.

--

I am selfish.
Damn I am hell one of a selfish girl.
I prioritize my happiness, my wants, and my desires, while neglecting how will it affect others.

--

I want to be independent.
Growing up as an only child was tough enough for me to learn to depend on myself.
I wanna be one of those people who could suffice themselves for the things they wanted to do, to explore, to achieve. I don't wanna be controlled. I hate being supervised 24/7. For me, it hinders my growth and my capabilities as a person. It limits what I can do to fully become myself.
Let me learn through my mistakes, let me go through the adventures that you are afraid to take.
I become more rebellious when held captive.
And it does me or anyone no good.

--

I'm 23 and I wanna live free.
I wanna be someone else.
I wanna be me.

Friday, May 06, 2016

Pagkukulang

Huwag mo na isipin kung saan ka nagkulang. Sa natitirang oras at mga araw, pangtuunan mo nalang ng panahon ang mas mahahalaga pang bagay. Dahil kung pagkukulang lang ang pag-uusapan, kakainin ka nanaman ng kalungkutan.

Laban lang. Ang mahalaga, lumalaban ka.

posted from Bloggeroid

Friday, April 01, 2016