Just. Keep. Swimming.

(c) https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0649/3999/products/Just_Keep_Swimming_1024x1024.png?v=1553680781

Some days are good, some are not. Some days will be sunny, and some will be gloomy. Some days will make us smile, and some will make us cry. And sometimes, these days will surprise you by being there all at once. 

I've always thought that life is better inside my head. It's more under control, stable, and yes, it has its infinite number of happy endings. However, life, in reality, sucks the hell out of me. Just when I thought I'm having it all, something comes up and leads me back to the darkness. Despite this, I've been trying my hardest to not drown in my own hell. I've been trying my best to be the strongest that I can be, not just for myself, but for the people I love as well. I've been trying so hard to keep going, to keep seeing the light, despite the impossibility of it sometimes. I've been trying so hard to shake off all the negative things, just to keep moving forward. 

But sometimes, I give up. I surrender. I take a break.

Just because someone's a fighter, doesn't mean they don't get tired. Sometimes, we all need a little pause to help us regain ourselves. Sometimes we all need to distance ourselves from everything, to help us discover more of who and what we are becoming. Sometimes, we need time to heal the wounds that we never even thought was there.

And when life throws me into a battlefield again, I'll know that I'll be ready now. I'll be ready to fight again. And I'm going to be the best that my mind tells me to be. I am going to endure every challenge, every pain, everything.

Because I am a fighter...

...and no matter what happens, I'll just keep swimming. We'll just keep swimming. And we'll always make it through.

Read More

Unplug. Detox.

https://i0.wp.com/cristeenolley.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/img_8776-1-474x430-1.jpg?w=1170&ssl=1

I know it's been a while since my last post here, and I probably have a couple of drafts that I've yet to publish, but this one seems to be a perfect breaker for everything that's going on inside my head right now.

So I've decided to cut off my Facebook and FBM consumption, primarily because I hated people posting subtle or not-so-subtle spoilers about the Avengers, but now, I've actually discovered a whole new purpose why I needed a detox. 

After some time, I came to realize that I needed to detach while I am trying to fix myself back together. I have to limit my interactions with everyone around me, so I could try to ponder on who I've become, and on how can I transform myself into a better version of who I am. I've been feeling really tired lately for no apparent reason, and as much as spas and Netflix are keeping my mind occupied, I still feel like a shit all over the bathroom floor.

So for this reason, I'm keeping a really few people in touch and I'll be back once I feel like I've overcome this phase that I am currently in right now.

I know I'll be fine again. I know I'll get to find my light sooner or later. I know that that woman will be at the end of this dark and lonely tunnel that I've been trudging for weeks now.

Until then.

Read More

And In Those Six Months. . .

It's mid-2018 and you're staring back on those 6 months which had passed you by. It's quite surprising how days went by that fast, or slow, or just the way they normally do. 6 months of thinking how to do better. 6 months of trying to make things happen. 6 months of living in the moment and reminiscing the past. 6 months of pondering on where you want to be 10 years from now. 6 months. . . 

While people are scared of getting old, I'm scared of being stuck as an impulsive teenager who just does whatever she wants, without carefully accounting for what could happen next. Admittedly, I have the tendency to just do what I want and fuck everything else. I would drop my priorities just to give way for the temporary bliss and ecstatic distraction. I see these things as my way of relieving stress and getting away from my sense of loneliness. It was fun. It was reassuring. But in those six months, I knew that it wasn't enough.

I want to build dreams and make those dreams come true. I want to see myself grow from someone I knew to someone I could barely recognize. I want to become a better person, someone who doesn't settle for anything less. I want to be emotionally stable and make decisions objectively. I want to understand things, people, and circumstances. I want to know more, and be exposed in a different world that I barely know. I want to inspire people, and tell them that I, too, have been in their shoes in one way or another. I want to make a difference. I want to change. 

I know how incoherent the previous statements sound, but, that incoherence is what I am. I am one thing, but I am another. I do this thing, but my mind suggests a different action. This incoherence confuses people, even myself. That was when I knew that I could not even decipher myself.

What holds me together, however, is that I wanna be something. I wanna be someone. And for now, just for now, maybe that could be enough.

Read More

9 Things I learned in 2017

img src

Hello 2018! It's been a long while since I last posted on my blog, and damn, 2017 went by so fast that I didn't actually notice it.

It has been a hell of a ride if you'd ask me how the previous year went. There were ups and downs, and twists and turns, as we'd usually say. But if you'd ask me if I'd change a single thing from the choices I've made last 2017, hell, it would be hypocritical to say that there wouldn't be any. I would definitely enumerate everything if I could, but to keep it lighter and simple, here's a list of things that I learned from the previous year, instead:

1) Be yourself and be true to yourself

• Do not let the opinion of other people become a hindrance for you to express who you are. We are all different in our own ways. We are oftentimes scared to show our truest self because we know how others would judge us immediately and see us differently. Fuck the world, bitches. We do not need their affirmation to become happy for who we are. 

2) Life will always have its way to surprise you

• This is self-explanatory. Need I say more?

3) You can never fully trust anyone - be careful with your words and actions towards different people

• I guess 2017 has its way to make me feel betrayed for a certain number of times from various individuals. Well, life's a bitch, I know. Even the most unexpected people can turn their backs on you once something more favorable comes along their way.

4) Always be kind, even when the world is pushing you to your limits

• Learn how to forgive people and to forgive yourself. Shit happens, but it doesn't mean that you'll have to let your heart grow cold as well. Having a kind heart sets you free. It's pretty amazing once you've learned to let go of the negativity and the burden of a heavy heart. This doesn't mean that you'll let people abuse your kindness, though. Learn how to set your limits, and be kind to yourself at the same time

5) Some people will always have something to say about you - but they will never confront you about it

• ... and usually their main reason is: they hate confrontations. Well, maybe we shouldn't be spreading words against each other then? Or probably you shouldn't be playing the "victim card" by making other people look bad so the blame will fall on them? But nonetheless, in connection w/ no. 1, the only way to deal with this is to be who you are and fuck what they say. [However, so as to avoid being blinded by your own perception, self-evaluate every once in a while. Be open to changes and constructive criticisms. This is why I admire people who try to talk things through - they make me see the things that I don't see in myself and I would disagree with them at first but would later realise that they have a point as well.]

6) Your "truest" friends will slap you with the truth, will stand up for and with you, and will probably pour some cold water on your face when you're too drunk to function

• They wouldn't sugar-coat things to make you feel good. They would actually bombard you with the most stupid things you did and you'll probably just laugh it off. These are the best friends that I have and that I have been keeping - the ones who were there through the good and the bad, and who wouldn't judge you for the person you've become. 

7) Love will never be enough to make someone stay and time isn't a measure of how strong a relationship is

• Damn, this one's difficult to put here but I did anyway. We would oftentimes think that years of being together and one's love for another are the two main ingredients for a happily ever after. Well, surprise! These aren't. People's feelings do change over time, and you cannot hold on to the number of years of being together to defend how strong your love is. Distance couldn't even make the love grow fonder sometimes. It sucks, I know. But having a strong heart can help you make it through. Be brave to face the changes, and life will have its way to turn things around sometimes.

8) If you want it, you'll always find a way to go for it. Otherwise, you'll end up feeding yourself with excuses

• I know the things that I badly want, and I've been finding ways to go for it, but I guess the excuses are stronger than my will to push through. This 2018, though, I'll try my best not to commit the same mistakes again. I don't wanna get stuck anymore.

9) 2017 is just another year that I've claimed to be mine - but never really did make it happen.

• Or maybe I did, in some way. But I've been wanting to achieve something, so until I knew that I've been brave enough to do something about it, I guess I'll continue pretending that each year's gonna be mine somehow. 2018 might be just another year again, but I'm really hoping to make huge steps to finally move forward this time.

Overall, I'm still grateful for everything that 2017 has given to me and for all the people who's been with me all along. You guys are the best parts of this year, and I know that you'll continue to be until twenty-i-don't-know-what.

So what are the things that you've learned in 2017? Or probably the things that you wanna change in 2018? Post a comment to share yours!

Read More

#Bolder2017

(c) https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/68/11/62/681162e99dcbf10f66f11dc7ba8a3a36.jpg

This post was long overdue.

We're already halfway through 2017, and guess what, nothing much has really changed.

I guess this is the point where I start questioning myself again if I am in the right place; if I chose the right job; if I made the right decisions.

When you're 24 and you still feel lost, people would normally think, "It's okay. You're still too young to have your whole life figured out."

But guess what? I don't think we are too young or too old for anything.


By this time of my life, I think I should already have at least a blueprint of where I wanna go, of what I wanna do, of how I am going to be that version of myself.

But I don't.

I'm still sketching, still doodling, still throwing scratch papers away because nothing seems perfect, nothing seems to fit what it is I have on my mind.

I am still a huge mess, an unsolved jigsaw puzzle that's left on the floor 'cause I am not eager enough to shuffle the pieces to make me feel whole.

And I may not show it, but it feels empty most of the time - waking up everyday doing the same routine, and sleeping on the same bed with nothing much going on in my mind. It feels like I'm already settling with the kind of life I have now, and that scares and saddens me at the same time. . .


because I never dreamed to be the girl who settles.


I am the girl who loves to break walls and boundaries to go to places and seek new experiences.

I am the girl who's always enthused to be challenged, who never backs down whenever she wants to fight for something.

I am the girl who never gives up despite the obstacles she's trudging.

The girl who would occasionally have a break down, but would keep on picking up herself after falling.


And the sad thing is, I don't even know who I am now.


I guess I've been settling for the past months, because I'm afraid to commit mistakes, because I am too fragile to face the reality, because I don't feel that I will ever be good enough, because the society expects me to become less of who I want to be.


There are too many limitations and I feel trapped within those walls.


And I could do nothing but to roam around the same room every single day.

To continue walking through the same path which doesn't really go anywhere.

To continue running through a treadmill feeling tired and exhausted, but haven't really gone too far yet.

To continue standing in the middle of all my anxieties and wait for something to change.


But I don't wanna wait anymore.

I want to make things happen.

I want to continue dreaming big, and making those dreams my reality.

I want to be that fearless 24 year-old, who jumps into opportunities to make a difference.


I'm craving for a sense of fulfillment, craving for change, craving for a bolder version of who I am right now.


I know I don't have all the time in the world, but I also know that it is not yet too late.


I know that I can still be that girl. . .

and that I will be that girl.

Read More

To my Forever Guy

How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43)
Elizabeth Barrett Browning, 1806 - 1861
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of being and ideal grace. I love thee to the level of every day's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.

Looking back at how we started, I never knew that we'd last this long. We were two competitive individuals who won't back down whenever we are challenged/questioned. I lived by the books, and you lived by your experiences and innate wisdom. We were two different persons who happened to be at the same class; MGT01, how can I ever forget that?

I admired how friendly and easy going you were. Out of all the people in the room who belonged to AHR, you were the most approachable one. I wanted to go when you invited Noni and me. I wanted to know what you'd be like outside the school's premises. I wanted to belong to the group that you were a part of. I wanted to know you, as a friend.

But you got into my nerves when you came in late and bombarded us with your questions. You weren't even there while we were discussing our report! I wanted to tell you to get the hell out as you know nothing, I wanted to tell you to shut your mouth up. Instead, you saw me get burned, unable to defend myself from your fiery attack. I was embarrassed that you beat me, but I was still trying not to let you see that. I still wanted to impress you with whatever bullshit that's coming out of mouth. I'm that girl.

Months passed by, and I don't even remember what the hell happened until some stalker was texting me. I don't entertain such people, as you figured. You were that stalker who keeps on flooding my inbox by those messages that I can't even remember now. So you eventually revealed who you are.

We've never seen each other for so long since the last MGT class, then sembreak came, enrollment came, and classes started again. It was a really small school, so how come we've never even bumped into each other until like a month or so after classes had started again? I will never forget your face when we saw each other again somewhere near the bookstore (?), and I was so shocked I didn't even react. "Oh, hi" was all I could say, eh?

Then one random day I sent a "group message" asking who wanna watch that Twilight movie with me. (That GM was sent to you and Danao only :)) cos I knew you're gonna ask him if he received the same message too ) You were the only one who said YES (of course?) And uhm, I was kinda expecting that you would go with me too. And I felt unexplainable when you did.

Our first date was filled with fries and awkwardness and random stories at McDo SM Manila, and some hoping-I-held-your-hand at the movie house. I was telling you stories about my ex, and you are too. There were moments that time when I drifted away that I can barely hear you anymore. I guess I was too busy trying to figure how I was feeling that day. (It was confusing man, as I thought you were gay and wtf I'm sort of developing something for a gay guy? Uh oh.)

I knew you are not a fan of Twilight, and you didn't enjoy the movie; but I'm really glad you went out with me.

Remember when you left your keys @ McDo? We made frog faces/turtle faces on our train ride before you realised that you left them there. I was your jinx, we declared.

Then we're all filled with casual convos and some late night fb chats, which made no sense at all. But sometimes I just go online hoping you'd notice me. (Did I ever tell you that before?)

December came and you've taken a Finma to your knee. I remember you telling me that and I didn't know how to respond. I was scared to show too much concern, so I held back. But right then and there, I wanted to comfort you so bad.

Hence, I tagged you on that Christmas greeting to somehow lighten up your mood and for you to notice how (pa)cute I was.

Oh and guess who the hell calls on a New Year's eve? I've never felt so special that time as I don't usually get calls on that day. While people were busy texting and posting on fb, you were the only one who had time to call people to greet them.

January, when you came back from Baguio, you've given me choco flakes and strawberry jam(?). That was so random, and I was so touched again by what you've done. Wtf are you doing? Oh, maybe he was just really that friendly guy.

Then February came and you took me by surprise. "I-knew-you-weren't-gay" day was born and damn, why have I been holding back?

Things didn't go perfectly and smoothly afterwards. We had our "not-yet" moments, our ups and downs (literally and figuratively), our nonsensical arguments (mostly initiated by my unreasonable self), and a lot more in between. Things were tough, but we are tougher so we always had a way out.

You can say that our relationship was filled with my unnecessary drama. But on another perspective, it was mostly filled with food, tv series, and corny jokes and knock-knocks. I thought we're like Lily and Marshall, not really a Monica and Chandler nor a Ross and Rachel. We're Lily pad and Marshmallow, we fly and march mellow. (Huh?)

Even the most admirable couples in tv series have their flaws. They have their shortcomings, their misunderstandings, their unreconcilable differences.

But at the end of the day, I'll always remember how good we are together, how my hand perfectly fits yours, how your armpit feels like home for my little head, how you'd laugh at my clumsiness, how your heart beats whenever I lay my head on top of your chest, how your dandruff falls from your scalp, how your eyes speaks to me in thousand different ways, how you'd find ways to surprise me but we're really bad at surprises (oh but my fave was that taco bell/turks one ❤), and most of all, how heavy we've become since the day that we've met. I'll keep on remembering the good things to outweigh the bad.

I hope, that you too, won't ever forget how our lips lock in together, as we cherish all the good things that we've gone through the past years of our lives.

I know you're still there, and I know that I'm still there, all lost among these clouds and storm. I promised before to never give up on you when something like this happens again, right? I'll keep that promise. No matter what.

So here I am, still holding on to a glimpse of our future, to Zxyllrh and Zxyllh and PugPug.

I'll always love you with all my hearrt and eunicorn farts. 
(By now I think you're already complaining by my lack of grammatical sequence/coherence. I'm sorry you have to deal with that all throughout this lengthy post.)

- Your Forever Girl

Read More

Out with the Old, In with the New

Just a week ago, my Samsung Galaxy A7 (Saxy) phone gave up on me. She has been a friend of mine since March 2015. And, damn, she's such a strong girl for all the stumbling and falling that she's gone through. Sadly though, I couldn't fix her anymore. It took me a week trying to bring her back to life; but apparently, some things aren't meant to stay with you for so long. So rest in peace Saxy, you've been so dear to me.

Meet Sassy, the bold-faced companion who will be joining me in my adventures from this day onwards. She got me through her charms and spells and promises, and yep, let's see how far we could go together. 

Read More

Happy October!

Your existence is more than a blessing to the people you're showering your love and kindness with. . . When no one wanted to listen, you were there to understand. When every one wanted to go, you were there to stay all throughout. When I wanted to be left alone, you gave me what I needed. But you never abandoned me as a friend. You never left. You have never forgotten. You've always been there through the good, the best, the bad, and the worst. I've told you things about me and never feared that you'll judge me for how messed up I could be sometimes. I always knew you'd understand. I always knew how genuine you are.

To the best college friend I've ever had, Belated Happy Birthday to you. I know we're quite occupied and full with everything that's going on in our lives right now, but I know that nothing could ever change the bond that we've built so far.

You taught me how to be strong despite feeling helpless; how to look fearless despite all the monsters at the back of my head. You are such an amazing individual, and I hope that you would continue spreading out your wings and become the woman you ought to be.

Stay strong, stay brave, stay fearless.

And most of all, never ever give up on yourself.
*POWER HUGS*

Sending my love from here to wherever you are,
Euni ❤

posted from Bloggeroid

Read More

I Can!

(ctto)

Tomorrow's gonna be the 1st day where we'll be deployed officially, and as doubts fill my head, I am trying to overcome my fears with optimism at the same time.

I shouldn't be afraid of committing mistakes; I am new at this and there's still much time to learn and adjust. I know I can do this. I know I can excel on what I do.

I just have to believe in myself. I just have to believe that I can.

posted from Bloggeroid

Read More

img src

My blog has been filled with so much negativity and sadness for the past year, and I've actually been thinking of giving it a revamp. I was about to open a new account at Wordpress, when I realized that, I should really stop running away every time I feel the need to rearrange my life.

So here I am, trying to make a shift out of this page.

(Oh my god, who would have thought that I've been using Blogger since 2009? Don't even try to look back, guys. You'll regret reading my terrible teenage dramas. LOL)

Let this post actually be the page marker of my daily(I swear I'll try) dose of motivation. I've been working since last month, and since I am new at this phase of my life, there had been days wherein I'd really just want to curl up and spend the entire day doing nothing. But then I'd jump out of my bed realizing that NO I CAN'T DO THAT BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO TO WORK TODAY.

I know I'm just starting and it'll probably take awhile for me to get used to this adulting thing. So while the ride is still smooth and the boat is still sailing on a calm sea, I'd try to prepare myself for the possible storms and rough roads ahead. 

Read More