Uhhh, ehhh, hello? :*

MEH. I dunno why ayum doing this, but yeah, I just wanna make you feel special... and I want you to know that I am a PROUD GIRLFRIEND too! Because I have you. :( 

So... hello Mr. Marvin Carandang, happy 1/12versary (uhh, sayo galing yan diba? :P). :") I don't want this post to be so cheeeeeeessssssyyyyy and I just wanna make it brief. Sobrang nacoconscious kasi ako sa grammar pag ikaw kausap ko. :| =)) THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE ME FEEL. :( But meh, whatever, I love you. And I know you love me too. :*

Months ago, I blogged something 'bout myself not being romantically loved and how I actually set that matter aside. That post proves that I never really saw someone like you coming into my life and changing it in a blink of an eye. I remember telling myself how I don't want to believe in love anymore. I remember being so scared to become attached again because I know how vulnerable I can be in the process. I remember telling my friends that I don't wanna be involved in any serious relationship yet. I remember how I used to hold back for the fear of being hurt again. . . but you were just so consistent that you were able to make me fall through the efforts you've shown. You were so persistent that even though it annoyed me at first, you managed to make me feel special and loved again. (Sometimes I hate myself for being so easy to get, honestly. :| )

It has been too fast for us, don't you think? But now, I honestly don't care about it anymore. Love isn't being measured on how long two people take time to be officially together, anyway. And relationships last long not just because of a strong connection couples built before being committed to each other. I guess love is more of taking risks and not just waiting for a perfect time for everything. 

You've been asking me, ano bang nagustuhan ko sa'yo? Well, man, honestly? You're simply irresistible. No further explanation needed. And if you aren't satisfied yet with my answer, urghh, bahala ka na. :| :)) Hindi ko kasi alam paano ieexplain sayo yung mga bagay na nararamdaman nalang eh. And you know that I'm the kind of person who always runs out of words to say. :(

Anyway, thank you. For making me feel whole again. For being so patient to me especially when it comes to my immaturity and, well, my nerdy personality. Thank you for being an understanding and an open-minded boyfriend. Thanks for always being there. For making me feel so loved all the time. Pssssh. I LOVE YOU. :) And I want you to remember that. Don't ask me 'til when will I feel this way for you. What matters most is now. :*

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Sunday Vanity ♥

Each of us has our own way of feeling happy...

and these pictures explain what's mine. :) Hahaha! Well, I just love the vibes this Sunday gives me. Seems like each picture shows how girly I am. (Feeler.) Oh. Just a brief blogging for today. Still got a lot of things to do! Blame Saturday for making me feel so lazy. :( 

PS. And this week's something to look forward too. Date with college buddies, bonding, and a lot more! Exclude the paper works for school. :| Naaah. That ruins everything. :)) But yeah. We're keeping the positive vibes, right? ;)

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✔ Reality Check: Yes, I'm Feeling Great Again ;)

"How others see you is not important. How you see yourself means everything."

Hello to this little girl in the picture, who was fin'lly able to grow up. :) 

Well... I've been thinking about things lately, and it quite surprised me how fast time could pass by. It's also quite surprising to realize how I was able to feel so great again, after feeling so down. Reality check: I'm finally feeling better and whole again. And I owe this to those people who has always been here for me, to those who never failed to make me feel special. :) 

I have recovered. And this I have known last night, after a bonding/drinking session with some of my HS friends. I used to be a sober about things when I'm drunk/tipsy/whatever. Yet I was surprised myself to find out that I'm done being that little girl. I've grown up. I no longer feel the longing, the pain, the bitterness, whatever you may call it. All I can notice is this great feeling which I don't know how to describe. Hahaha! Well, anyway, don't you feel happy for me? I'm a living proof of someone who has been abandoned with no choice, yet after a few months, was able to redeem myself. Guess it's a matter of perspective, and making the right choices.

Let's all keep this optimism going! Negativity would lead us nowhere. ;)

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1st Typography ♥

I've been trying to figure out how this one works...

and I'm so glad that I finally learned how to make one! ♥ Thanks to this tutorial for being such a great help. :") It took me hours to finish this. It has a lot of imperfections and it is not like a professional artist's masterpiece, but I'm really feeling great for the outcome. :") Here's the original image, btw:

Comments? Criticisms? Suggestions? ♥

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Motivated, but not that inspired.

Today I shall not sleep and shall work hard for my ACC02 midterms exam tomorrow.

Nerd mode all day, all night til midnight. Motivated, but not inspired. Despite this fact, I believe that motivation is even more powerful and effective than the latter. So, here I go tonight. The battle has not ended yet, and never will it be. Now I'm even more determined to strive harder and do better. Who says I'm gonna give this up? :") 

A brief blog post to express how I feel. :) Blessed and grateful for being on the top 5 students who made it to the dean's list (for the whole Accounting dept.). I lift this up to Him, and to my parents who deserve this more than I do. But this is only the beginning. I'm still moving forward and fighting. Dreams, sooner or later, I will have you. ♥

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Five Years. ♥

Five years of friendship. And counting.

Sino mag-aakalang hanggang ngayon best friend parin kita? =)) Anyway, Marie Katherine Indiongco, HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY! \;D/ Tayo'y magdiwang at dalaga ka na! (Teka, sa 21 ka pa magcecelebrate diba? :)) ) Anyway, Hayaan mong ilaan ko ang blog post na ito para sa iyo. (YES. TAGALOG. =)) )

This won't be a long post. Straight to the point 'to. Haha! Kayeng, you've been such a good friend ever since. Isa ka sa mga taong alam kong nanjan lang kahit hindi na tayo madalas magkita. Isa ka sa mga baliw kong kaibigan na alam kong matino pag matino nang usapan. Isa ka sa mga taong alam kong mapagkakatiwalaan ko forever. And yes, you are that friend that I'd always treasure no matter what. 

Actually, namimiss ko na pagiging OC mo! :)) HS years, remember? Mula sa locker, sa mga gamit mo, sa school works, at kung anu-ano pa. But the truth is, I miss you more. :") Alam mo naman kung gaano kita ka-love eh! Kailangan pa bang sabihin yun at iexplain? Hindi na diba? :D

So I'd take this opportunity to thank you for always choosing to stay. For being that best friend that I know I'll have for my entire existence. Thank you for the memories we've made together and for those that we are still about to have. Thank you for everything. For being that awesome friend na magccrack ng joke, magsshare ng random facts, magkkwento ng kung anu-ano, etc. You are indeed one of a kind. Hahaha. Sa ganda mong yan. ;DD

So Kayeng, I wish you all the best in everything. The best ka na eh, ano pang mahihiling ko sayo diba? :)) Ah! Sige. SIYA nalang. GETS MO NA DAPAT YAN. Hahaha. I love you Kaye! You know I'll always admire you for being so focused sa goals and studies mo. Jan kita idol eh. Haha! And I know na worth it lahat ng efforts and hard work mo ngayon. Keep the strength in you. GIRL POWER. :))

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, dearest Kayeng. I love you! Bonding soon with Erika and Bola. ♥

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2012, Bring It On!

(January 3, 2012 - 3:16 AM)
/ The last night I'd be falling apart. :') /

2011 has been a tough year, I shall say. And with that, I dare not say every single event that happened way back then. I've been trying to figure things out lately, and I've really been through a lot of reminiscing. I've been telling myself to do this, to do that, to leave this, to leave that, to forget this, and remember that. The last days before 2011 ended were filled with emotions at its highest and lowest points. Drama took over me, as I tend to be nostalgic of what I've lost and what I've been missing. But as the year ended, my life has been filled with so much happiness as I realized that despite everything, I'd always have the most unconditional love one can ever have - our parents' love for us.

But these nights are really begging me to fall apart. I am not at my best condition, I shall say. I still have these questions in my mind which are left unanswered. I still have these issues which are left unresolved. For the past few months, I've seen myself holding my head up high. I thought I was that strong, that I was able to get over things that easy. That I was able to wear those laughter and smiles like I haven't been broken. But I was wrong. I am still not over things, and I am still trying to mend my broken heart.

And now let me share to you what changed in me since that heart break. I used to believe in forever, in true love, in those romantic conversations. But now, I honestly don't get any point on their existence. Or maybe, I just could no longer see love (in a romantic sense) as something real, as something which could last forever. I could only see it now as an emotion. The one that isn't stable, the one that could change -- at any moment in time. Then, I've realized... that when someone ruined your so-called forever, it really becomes hard to trust anybody else again. This made me come up with a conclusion: that what I need is NOT a knight in shining armor, NOT even a prince charming NOR some sort of savior. What I need is someone who could make me realize that I am no longer broken, that I am no longer beyond repair. That I am as good as I was, even better, or even at my best.

.... That I am good enough. Even when I'm really not. I could never be good enough. I don't have the perfect package, as any guy would look for. Well, I am just myself. Imperfect, full of impurities, name them. Oh well, whatever. Enough for that self pity part.

I just wanna say that for now, I am bracing myself for a wonderful year. Because despite all the negativity on my mind today, I am moving forward. I know I'll make it through. I've got so much goals for myself and for my family, and that's where I am focusing now. I am not saying goodbye to the past, for I know I'd still refer to it in case I forgot what I've learned before. But I am not letting myself drown into these memories and sulk myself in depression just because I am not romantically loved now. I know what I need more. And I know what I have to let go of.

So 2012, BRING IT ON! ;D

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"Nalulungkot ka, umiiyak ka, DAHIL iniwan ka. HINDI dahil wala na siya."

Let me quote it once again,

"Nalulungkot ka, umiiyak ka, DAHIL iniwan ka. HINDI dahil wala na siya."

Makes sense? Of course it does. I actually heard this from my best friend, as she quoted a priest who said these lines. Then these words were suddenly stuck on my head and it eventually inspired me to write on my blog again. Why?

Because I know how it feels. To be sad, depressed, hopeless, left behind, hanging and alone with no choice. Name it. We surely have went through these feelings - when people leave us, when someone dies, when a friend ignores us, or even when a loved one decided to go on with life without us. Heartbreaking. You're feeling bad for yourself. Because once again, someone has to leave you. And they left you with no choice but to accept it and just be happy for them.

In this kind of circumstance, people would usually think, "Hindi ko kakayanin pag iniwan mo ako." Or, "Hindi ko alam gagawin ko pag nawala ka." I've heard these lines a hundred times before. Witnessed it on my own. These words were usually giving a person the feeling that someone is afraid of losing them, that someone could not live without them. But eventually these words were just words. Because no matter how much we try to keep and hold on to these, they would just mean nothing when the time comes.

Some people would say, "I couldn't go on with life without him/her anymore." And some wise man would answer, "Nagawa mo ngang mabuhay noon nang wala siya. Magagawa mo ulit yan." And normally our response would be, "Iba kasi nung dumating siya sa buhay ko. Nasanay na ako na nandiyan siya."

My stand on that? Nasanay ka lang. And now that you're left alone again, you just didn't like the feeling that someone just broke your heart for the nth time. (Who does?) But the point is, you could still go on. You could be happy. You could live your life the way you did before. It wouldn't really be the same, because of the simple reason that nothing ever stays the same. It is actually a matter of choosing between being happy or feeling sorry for yourself.

Honestly, I used to believe that the lost of someone we used to value so much is the reason why we feel bad, even so depressed at times. Then I heard the words, "Nalulungkot ka, umiiyak ka, DAHIL iniwan ka. HINDI dahil wala na siya," and I started to realize how true it was. How empty it feels to be left behind. Nawalan na ako ng mahal sa buhay at alam ko yung pakiramdam. Pero ngayon ko lang narealize na iniyakan ko sila dahil iniwan nila ako; dahil iniwan nila kaming malalapit sa buhay nila na nasanay na sa presensiya at pangangalaga nila. We're not actually crying for the fact that they're gone. We're actually mourning for ourselves because we just couldn't be with them as often as we used to before, because they left us. When in truth, we should be happy because they aren't feeling the pain this Earth has to give them. God has already taken them to heaven and took away their pain.

And from this, I actually had the courage to face the world again. I could live without you, my dear friend. It won't really be the same, but I'm doing well. The sadness and emptiness I am having is not because of your absence in my life. It's more of the feeling you've given me when you walked out at the unexpected time. Didn't brace myself for that, because I've been believing in you all along. I've been holding on to promises, to those words you've said before. I'm over those romantic conversations. You were the one who used to tell me how afraid you are of losing me, of me getting tired of you, of me deciding to just leave you hanging. But who did what? Who broke whose heart? Who felt what? WHO?

HINDI AKO NALULUNGKOT AT HINDI KITA INIYAKAN NOON DAHIL WALA KA NA. NARAMDAMAN KO PALA YUNG MGA YUN DAHIL INIWAN MO AKO. . . when you said you won't at wala kamong magbabago.

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Because I Just Need An Outlet of Emotions.

"Sometimes, you have to give up on that one person. not because you want to, but because you have to."

Damn this quote, which made me think about things again. Yes, everything seems to be fine. And indeed, some things really are. Acads, family stuffs, love matters, friends, name them. But nothing's constant. Everything is subject to change. Everything is vulnerable to the so-called changes.

So let me cut this short. I don't wanna blab about every detail of what I really want to talk about.

I'm afraid. So damn afraid of changes between US. So damn terrified of what could possibly happen in the future. We both know something, and that thing will always be on our way. No matter how much we try to fight for ourselves. I guess I just need to let this out. Through this.

Walang araw na dumaan na di ko naiisip yung mga bagay bagay. Whatever those things are, we'll keep it to ourselves. Masakit, and I shall admit, no matter how much I try to just get over it, that pain wouldn't fade away. We can pretend that things are going well, but at the end of the day, we both know what's really happening. And what's bound to happen. And I'm typing here teary eyed because I know how difficult it is for us, for me, for you, most specially. I don't wanna be just a part of your memory. I don't wanna be just a fragment of your past. Because I just wanna be your present, and the future you are looking forward to. Heartbreak after heartbreak, I know I'll never love this way again. And I never wanna lose my best friend, my brother, my soul mate, my knight in shining armor, my lover, my true love, my angel, my husband, my baby, my everything. And it breaks me to pieces everytime I think of us coming to an end. After everything. After those promises, those dreams we built together, those sweet words, poems and songs which describe our lives as one.

All I wanna be with is you. It may be too early to say, but at least it won't be too late. I'm holding on, as long as we still know we'd get through this. Together, we'll break the walls, we'll cross the oceans, we'll fly through the sky. Because I still believe in us. I still believe in you. I still believe that our love is true, and will NEVER be through.

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ACCOUNTING is a METAPHOR of LIFE

ACCOUNTING is a METAPHOR of LIFE. – Professor Joffre Alajar

And indeed, it is. And it will always be. Studying Accounting and taking it up as your course will make you realize the reason behind his words. And as far as I am concerned, I have seen what my professor meant by that.

I have studied Accountancy in DLSU for a year, and haven’t made it further there. A heartbreaking dilemma this last summer, which tore me apart. I thought, maybe I am not good enough. Maybe I am not really for the course. Maybe it isn’t really for me. Maybe I could do better with something else. Maybe I just couldn’t love Accounting. Or maybe, I just didn’t give my all. I played it easy; I relaxed and watched my own character lose herself in the process. So I ended up losing the game, instead of struggling to win on it.

That’s when Accounting made me feel bad, made me feel broken hearted – the worst heartbreak I’ve ever had. It showed me how tough life could be, for failures are really on every side of the road. Bump on it, and then you have to deal with it. And dealing with it entails being strong, being stronger, and being strongest that you can be. Standing up after every fall is never easy. But you don’t have to let yourself be filled with negativity at all times. Sometimes, staying optimistic makes you go on, even at hardest times.

And so I left DLSU – with my heart broken, with my soul damaged, with my mind cluttered, and with my pride set aside. I transferred to San Beda College, with the positive outlook that maybe this time, life would be kind to me. But it wasn’t that easy. I encountered these individuals who brought my spirit down when I was still in the process of enrolling. They say Accounting is tough here, and that I shall be shifting to their course because I couldn’t make it. I admit, those words hurt; whether they meant it as a joke or not. And mind you, I never blurted it out to anybody yet. I kept my mouth shut, as I feel disheartened of being in this course again.

But I realized, WHO ARE THEY TO JUDGE MY CAPABILITY AS A PERSON, WHEN THEY BARELY KNOW ME? Who are they to break someone’s spirit when she’s still trying to move on and start a new life again? Who are they? They are simply another set of individuals who don’t mind their own businesses. Insensitive. Inconsiderate. Oh well, what do they know about me?

The funny thing is, they became my classmates in one of my subjects this semester. But I didn’t see it as a sign that maybe, I am meant to follow their course. I saw it as a sign that I’m going to prove them wrong. And in their damn faces, I’ll show them that they weren’t able to break me down. For this time around, I’ll make sure I’m going to make things right. Maybe, I couldn’t go back in time, but at least, I have this chance now to start over again and learn to prioritize.

I know it’s not gonna be easy. But at least, I have my reasons to strive harder. For I know that Accounting, just like life itself, is indeed complicated. With this course, you’d learn to cry and get disappointed, you’d feel bad for failures and hindrances, you’d experience a lot of twists and turns in the process. It teaches us what life is. It shows us what real life is - that living life isn’t just being extremely happy and having fun. That life is more than just something to enjoy with, for at times, it is something that we must learn to understand. We’d all fail and succeed; we’d all experience good and bad times. But with Accounting, you’d learn how to deal with it; for you have been taught that life is never easy. And never will it be.

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