Can I Explore the World with You?

Warning: this is a drama of an only child

(c) http://www.sptimes.com/2007/06/10/images/xlarge/PascoN_paslane_1697735.jpg

I am not really comfortable talking about this with other people, but I just wanna speak this one out. Just now. 

I am an only child and I never really did grew up getting everything I want. Though admittedly, my parents are not really that strict when it comes to house rules. I am not spoiled, or at least I think I'm not. I don't consider myself as one of those rich kids who always tend to get what they want. 

But I am someone who have always wanted a lot of things. I have that tendency of feeling really disappointed when I don't get what my parents had promised me (though I was the one who actually forced them to make that promise :/). But I've learned to deal with that. I've learned to somehow manage that attitude I have. But there are really these times wherein I could no longer handle myself...

Here's my problem... I have always wanted to explore the world, to go to different places, to experience a lot of things. And I always long to achieve those with my parents. I am jealous of those people whose parents are the ones initiating going to various places for vacation, etc. I understand... We don't really have a budget for such extra-activities. But I can't help feeling like..... "Can't I experience going somewhere with you even just once every 2 years?" 

I go out with my friends, with my boyfriend, with my classmates. We go to the malls (where you won't even want to go), watch movies, shop for things, go out of town (well, for field trips), sleep over at someone's house, drink 'til we're drunk, etc. But you know what? Even though I'm happy with their company, I am still wishing that we could also have those types of get-together. Well it will not completely be the same, of course. It will be a different one. But the thing is, I am with you and we're doing the things I've always dreamed of doing with you...

Maybe I am really being childish. Maybe I'm being irrational. But this is what I've always kept with me ever since. This doesn't mean that I love them less, it's just that, there are certain things that my heart is longing for. I'll always be thankful for everything they've given me. And I'll always love them no matter what. I'm just letting this out. I'm just really feeling bad...

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Mixed Emotions, Beyond Expectations

I've been feeling like a crap since Sunday night (I'm having my monthly period soon, that's why). But anyway... Aside from that, one of the things that bothered(and some still bothering) me is that I might fail Financial Accounting 1 (which, by the way, is my major subject). 'Di ko naman inaasahan na papasa ako, at kung papasa naman ako, alam kong nasa tres lang ang grade ko. I wasn't myelf during the last semester. And it wasn't my best shot in being a nerd. So I know where I stand. My only hope is a miracle.... at yung mag-adjust ng sobra ang prof. 

Our grades were supposed to be out tomorrow. But I was really eager to press F5 on my keyboard para irefresh ang Student Module this afternoon. *F5* (Still no grade in Accounting) *check twitter, then fb and after almost 2 minutes balik sa module then F5* (And I'm like, OMG THANK GOD. IS THIS SERIOUS? I PASSED FINACC1!!)

click for a larger view

Believe me, this one was more than I had hoped for. Felt so blessed and really grateful. My hands were cold and shaking after seeing my grade, and I really could not ask for more from Him now (and thanks to my professor Sir Tiu, too, and I guess Sir Alajar). God is really great. He makes all things possible. We just have to keep our faith. 

And so this is another wake up call for me. Time to change for the better, even for the best. I really would allot more time studying for Accounting now, just like what I did last school year. Better make my foundations strong than waste my time and regret for the things I should have done. I don't need to wait for another failure for me to realize that I can still do better. As my new mantra in life says, "Do it right now so you won't have to look back and say I could have tried harder." 

BSA all the way! I can be, I will be, and I shall be a CPA someday. :)

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October SuperSale Bazaar

So my college buddy and I went to WTC for this bazaar last Saturday and look what I've got! Well it's not really a lot but I guess it's alright for a 2,000 PHP budget and I even got a savings of 100. 

A dress (380), 2 tops (750), 1 pair of shoes (500), 2 nail polish (and a BB cream w/c is not shown in the pic; 170), and that amazing nail polish remover (100). Not bad? Or still a waste of money? What do you think? :)

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Unsafe

When you're surrounded with people whose business is talking about other people's lives, you just don't feel really safe. . .

Or is it just me? 

I always find it hard to deal with people, but really, I find it harder when it comes to these type of persons I just mentioned above. It seems like when you're with them, they are your friends. And when you aren't, they talk about you. And when they talk about you, they don't see your positive side. They dwell on the negative one and on their assumptions/theories of who you are. 

It sucks to be the one being talked about. And it also sucks to be listening to those kinds of conversations you really aren't interested in. Maybe that's why I really should avoid this kind of people. Not that they could not be my friends; it's just that, I could not stand them. I could not understand them. They seem to see every flaws other people have, but they don't seem to notice how filthy they are. 

I'm not saying that I am all clean and shit-less. But I am not really the type of person who can deal with such attitudes. Maybe I was able to tolerate this back then, but I don't think I can withstand this any longer.

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Because you always make sense and I don't. Because you aren't shallow and I am.

And I sometimes wonder how would it be like when I stopped caring too much. When I finally became the person who doesn't give a damn about every little thing. Would it make you feel better or worse? 

Girls have a habit of being too paranoid about little things and guys easily get annoyed about it. But maybe, we just have our own way of showing how we'd like you to care for us. Maybe we're scared for you to get tired of our drama, yet too stubborn to do something 'bout it. But believe me, we're trying. Our emotions are just too strong that we can't handle it right most of the time. Just as you find it hard to manage your anger when you feel tired of dealing with us.

Yes sometimes we're shallow, and we don't make sense. We find it hard to explain ourselves in a way that you'll understand us. We find it hard to tell you that we've only acted/felt that way because we're too afraid of what could possibly happen next. And then the next thing we know, you've already shut yourselves off from us. 

You don't understand how long the things you've said could stay in our minds. We don't understand it too. You try to tell us to get over them because these should stay in the past, and believe me, we really try so hard to do as you say. But we always tend to look back and remember how it felt before. We always tend to bring those things up again because these have become part of who we are now. These things play a crucial role on how we try to understand you and ourselves and on how we deal with the relationship we have. And we'll ask ourselves, is this a good thing or not? 

Little things matter. And I realized that they could either build a great thing up or destroy one. I hope I'll soon find a way to finally let these insecurities and past issues go. I wouldn't want to destroy myself...

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Late Monday Morning Thoughts

You are my lover and my sweetest man

Acting weird around you is just so much fun.

No one has ever made me feel this way

So I'm not letting go, I'm here to stay.

What's up with these words that seem to rhyme?

Oh I don't know baby, they just popped on my mind.

I guess I just simply wanted to let you know

That I'm thinking of you and I'm missing you so.

PS This is really a random post and I didn't actually intend to write a very short "poem" or whatever. So yeah. Good morning! :)  

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Living in a World of Lies

I've always been that kind of girl who's too conscious of how people might see me. I always try to put up my better side to conceal my flaws. I always prefer to be seen as the innocent, sweet and understanding girl one could ever know. But the real thing is, am I really that person? Do I always have to try so hard to be accepted for who I am not?

My boyfriend made me think of these things. I've been trying to act as someone else as I try to convince myself that I am that person. I'm hiding things because I'm afraid of how people would react once they knew my dark sides. I'm afraid to be rejected, I always wanted to fit in. But now I'm asking myself, would I be happier this way? 

Oh, a lot of questions in my head. But I no longer want to be that girl who worries a lot because I am not the person people thought I was. Or at least, I think people thought I was. I wanted to be myself. I wanted to see who will really be there to accept me for who I am. No judgments, no pretensions. I'd love to have a carefree life. I'd love to act liberated in front of everyone. I no longer want to hide. I no longer want to live in a world of lies. I wanna be exposed for who I am. I wanna be just myself.

And as funny as it is, I just received a group message from one of my Bedan friends. It says, "Life is never about proving people that you are a good person. Sometimes, the bad things also matter. For in your dark side, you can see among the people that surround you are ready to light the road with you. It's not about how many friends you have, or how many people roam around you. It's how few of them ACCEPTS. For in your nothingness, people who are TRUE to you find reasons to LOVE you still."

And it hit me. 

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At least be sensitive enough...

I woke up to the news that residents of Marikina are being forced to evacuate from their area. After that, I found out that even Cavite is now under the state of calamity. What's next? I really hope for these things to end now, if not, at least keep everyone really safe. But what actually bothers me is that how insensitive some people can be.

It sucks to see some posts regarding makeup classes, term breaks, class suspensions, moved examinations, etc. Some can even bother to rant about how they don't want Saturday classes, how they love to have more class suspensions, and how they're feeling sad that for sure, term and sem breaks will be shorter. C'mon guys. Even at this situation, we still can manage to be REALLY self-centered? Aren't we lucky enough that we're not being carried away by these floods? Can't we just be thankful and shut the fuck up? If we can't do anything for them, at least be sensitive enough to sympathize. Or really, don't you have a heart for that?

It's sad to know that there are these people who can even think of these IDIOTIC things. Apathetic individuals. Honestly? I am stuck here at home and I, too, can't really do anything for them; but at least I know where to put myself and my words in this kind of situation. Or at least I think I know. 

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Just a rainfall...

It's been raining hard since Monday and classes have been suspended since Tuesday. It's quite  surprising how damaging this rainfall had been, to think that there isn't even any typhoon in our country's area of responsibility. Yes, I'm stuck in this house, but lucky enough to feel safe from floods. Oh how I wish everyone's safe, too. It's heartbreaking, indeed, to be in this kind of situation. Let's all send our prayers for everyone's safety. I think that's the least we can do if we could not lend a hand in person. 

Maybe we should stop complaining and blaming each other? What matters now is how we could help each other to make it through this calamity. 

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REAL BITCH

BITCHES GONNA BITCH, WHORES GONNA WHORE, SLUTS GONNA SLUT. Oh, is that even valid? 

Oh women, back off. Stop trying to get the attention of a man who's already taken. Fuck it off. Home wreckers. =_=" Go fuck yourself if you want something to fuck. Stop trying to cross the boundaries. Get a life. OUT. OF. US.

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