Sunday, November 06, 2016

Out with the Old, In with the New


Just a week ago, my Samsung Galaxy A7 (Saxy) phone gave up on me. She has been a friend of mine since March 2015. And, damn, she's such a strong girl for all the stumbling and falling that she's gone through. Sadly though, I couldn't fix her anymore. It took me a week trying to bring her back to life; but apparently, some things aren't meant to stay with you for so long. So rest in peace Saxy, you've been so dear to me.

Meet Sassy, the bold-faced companion who will be joining me in my adventures from this day onwards. She got me through her charms and spells and promises, and yep, let's see how far we could go together. 

Monday, October 03, 2016

Happy October!



Your existence is more than a blessing to the people you're showering your love and kindness with. . . When no one wanted to listen, you were there to understand. When every one wanted to go, you were there to stay all throughout. When I wanted to be left alone, you gave me what I needed. But you never abandoned me as a friend. You never left. You have never forgotten. You've always been there through the good, the best, the bad, and the worst. I've told you things about me and never feared that you'll judge me for how messed up I could be sometimes. I always knew you'd understand. I always knew how genuine you are.

To the best college friend I've ever had, Belated Happy Birthday to you. I know we're quite occupied and full with everything that's going on in our lives right now, but I know that nothing could ever change the bond that we've built so far.

You taught me how to be strong despite feeling helpless; how to look fearless despite all the monsters at the back of my head. You are such an amazing individual, and I hope that you would continue spreading out your wings and become the woman you ought to be.

Stay strong, stay brave, stay fearless.

And most of all, never ever give up on yourself.
*POWER HUGS*

Sending my love from here to wherever you are,
Euni ❤

posted from Bloggeroid

Sunday, September 04, 2016

I Can!


(ctto)

Tomorrow's gonna be the 1st day where we'll be deployed officially, and as doubts fill my head, I am trying to overcome my fears with optimism at the same time.

I shouldn't be afraid of committing mistakes; I am new at this and there's still much time to learn and adjust. I know I can do this. I know I can excel on what I do.

I just have to believe in myself. I just have to believe that I can.

posted from Bloggeroid

Monday, August 29, 2016

Stay Positive
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My blog has been filled with so much negativity and sadness for the past year, and I've actually been thinking of giving it a revamp. I was about to open a new account at Wordpress, when I realized that, I should really stop running away every time I feel the need to rearrange my life.

So here I am, trying to make a shift out of this page.

(Oh my god, who would have thought that I've been using Blogger since 2009? Don't even try to look back, guys. You'll regret reading my terrible teenage dramas. LOL)

Let this post actually be the page marker of my daily(I swear I'll try) dose of motivation. I've been working since last month, and since I am new at this phase of my life, there had been days wherein I'd really just want to curl up and spend the entire day doing nothing. But then I'd jump out of my bed realizing that NO I CAN'T DO THAT BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO TO WORK TODAY.

I know I'm just starting and it'll probably take awhile for me to get used to this adulting thing. So while the ride is still smooth and the boat is still sailing on a calm sea, I'd try to prepare myself for the possible storms and rough roads ahead. 

CPA to CPA

From a Collegian Persevering Accountant to a Certified Public Accountant
A work-in-progress for 6 years or so

My story is quite cliché - a transferee from a prestigious university who decides to redeem herself after a series of failures. Nothing seems to be worth sharing anymore, as we all could predict how this journey to becoming a CPA actually ended.

But let me just share to you the highlights of this particular phase in my life.

MARCH to OCTOBER 2015
 After graduating on March 2015, I have been set to take the boards on October to give way for my formal review. If you'd go back to my previous posts, you'll probably discover how unstable I was during those months before the boards. I went from being complacent, to being motivated, to being lost, to being depressed, to being 103% unprepared.

But I took the boards, anyway.

And guess what?

I failed.

Not conditioned. Not even an almost passer.

I never thought I was setting myself up to fail until my boyfriend actually slapped those words into my face. He was right. I hate it when he's right. I tried to reason out, I tried to come up with excuses, but the truth is, I am not exerting the effort I knew I needed to pass the exam. A part of me didn't want to. I knew I didn't want to.

I wanted a different path for myself, I wanted to pursue a different dream - my own dream. And my mind was clouded with so much passion for what I thought was the right path for me, that I end up sabotaging the present.

Regrets set in after that.

I was a failure, not just to myself, but to my parents as well. But they loved me anyway. 

Post-results dilemma comes next. Should I start working already so I could finance my own expenses? I'm 22 and I'm supposed to be earning already, but I am stuck here for this fucking board exam. Who needs titles to their names anyway? Or maybe I should try to become a full-time reviewee again and redeem myself. Or maybe not?

NOVEMBER 2015 to MARCH 2016
Yup, you guessed it right - I enrolled for review again and didn't actually pursue working full-time nor part-time. I thought that maybe, I should be focusing on review this time and should not let anything become a distraction.

But these months made me an emotional wreck - once again, I felt lost, confused, and unable to actually function very well. My motivation went from 99% to 9%. I was drowning in my own fears and trapped in my own anxiety.  I felt useless, I felt incapable, I felt so insignificant.

I thought faith could bring me back to life but no, it did not. Yes, it probably helped for a while, until I found myself screaming in pain again.

These months were excruciating.

I was needing my own support system. I was needing something to hold on to. I was actually dependent on some people to give me strength during these times that I forgot that they needed their own strength too.

And when I wasn't getting the support I thought I needed, I broke down, and I cried for nights. I was even crying every morning when I wake up. I guess self-pitying had been a hobby. I wasn't so proud of who I was during those times.

Until I snapped, and saw myself in the mirror.

I looked terrible. I feel horrible.

What have I done to myself?

APRIL 2016 
I woke up surrounded with my own tears, wounds, and pieces of me I could never even recognize. So I started picking myself up, and finally decided that this paranoia should already stop. The nightmares should be burned and forgotten. I should start moving forward and get on with my life.

As crazy as it may sound, I am admitting that talking to myself in front of the mirror actually helped me get through this month, especially in those times when I feel alone. I realized that no one could ever help me but myself.

So, I became my own knight, saving the princess who's trapped within the slave I am pretending to be.

"Believe in yourself" has been my daily mantra.

Trust me, it works.

MAY 2016
When May came, I have already conditioned myself. I felt ready, I felt like I could conquer the world. It wasn't pride that I was feeling, nor was overconfidence. It was this belief that I could make it, that I shouldn't let my anxiety overpower me once again.

That was actually an effective move until P2 happened. P2 triggered my anxiety, P2 brought back all the feels that I have managed to set aside for the past 2 months.

Damn, life. Stop being such a bitch.

--

Waiting was really the crucial part. I didn't want to check the results online, but I ended up trying to peek at PRC's website anyway. Going to Baguio with my boyfriend has somehow calmed my senses. 50's Diner was a really good anxiety reliever (lol.)

MY FAVE PART
Results came out the moment we arrived in Manila. I asked my boyfriend if we could buy an ice cream downstairs. I was on my nth stick, and we're having a conversation that went like this:

Him: Hindi naman siguro sila maglalabas ng results ng ganitong oras 'no? (They wouldn't be releasing the results at this time of the day, right?)
Me: Ano ka ba, parang 'di mo naalala yung iniyakan ko ng ganitong oras last year. Mga 1AM ganyan, nilalabas nila. Pag tulog na lahat. (Can't you remember that I cried at this hour last year? They released the results at around 1AM, when everyone's asleep already.)
*he looks at me smiling foolishly*
Me: What?
*shows his phone to me*
Him: CPA na yung girlfriend ko. (My girlfriend's now a CPA.) *he's still smiling*
Me: Ano 'to? Pinagttripan mo ba ako? (What's this? Are you joking around with me?)

It was indeed one of the most unforgettable moments in my life and I just couldn't erase that from my memory. It felt surreal, that I didn't even know if it's normal that I couldn't cry nor stop smiling. And my partner's there, sharing that moment with me.

--
It wasn't long until I sent a message to my parents, telling them the good news I knew they deserved. And this was the tear-jerker. My dad sent me a reply saying, "CPA na yung anak ko. Ang ganda ng pa-birthday ni Lord sa'kin." (My daughter's already a CPA. The Lord has given me the best birthday gift)

He isn't a man who says a lot when it comes to things like this, but when he does, it never fails to hit me hard. It's not that my mom's words were of less importance, it's just that, there are some things that are of greater impact when it comes to a particular person.

Nonetheless, I know I made them equally proud. They deserved this. They worked hard for this. And they finally made it. We finally made it.

--------
EDIT:

I think a significant part of this journey has been omitted while I was writing this post. And yes, it has been bugging me for weeks. I guess it deserves to be out here as well.

I may have written that faith had helped me only for a while, but I failed to mention how much it did wonders during the week of the boards. I have this pdf file on my phone sent by one of my closest friends; it is a book called "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. It is designed to be read daily, giving you enlightenment for that particular day of the year. I usually read mine every morning, to start my day with a glimpse of motivation.

On the day before the exams, it said:


And that's when I knew to myself that I am going to be a CPA this May 2016. 

Thursday, July 07, 2016

I've never been a good kid.
I like breaking the rules, I enjoy the thrill of not getting caught for doing something that I'm prohibited to do.
But I like pleasing people too.
I like being praised for my accomplishments, being awarded for what I've done right in the eyes of my spectators.

--

I want to be understood.
For the past few years that I've spent in college, I've been trying to discover who I am.
I've always wanted to fit in, that when I discovered that it's totally alright to be myself, I've decided to become someone else instead - someone who doesn't go with people for the sake of "being cool" or "being accepted," or "fitting in." And I found myself.
But still, I badly to be understood that I have forgotten how to do the same for the people I care about.

--

I am selfish.
Damn I am hell one of a selfish girl.
I prioritize my happiness, my wants, and my desires, while neglecting how will it affect others.

--

I want to be independent.
Growing up as an only child was tough enough for me to learn to depend on myself.
I wanna be one of those people who could suffice themselves for the things they wanted to do, to explore, to achieve. I don't wanna be controlled. I hate being supervised 24/7. For me, it hinders my growth and my capabilities as a person. It limits what I can do to fully become myself.
Let me learn through my mistakes, let me go through the adventures that you are afraid to take.
I become more rebellious when held captive.
And it does me or anyone no good.

--

I'm 23 and I wanna live free.
I wanna be someone else.
I wanna be me.

Friday, May 06, 2016

Pagkukulang

Huwag mo na isipin kung saan ka nagkulang. Sa natitirang oras at mga araw, pangtuunan mo nalang ng panahon ang mas mahahalaga pang bagay. Dahil kung pagkukulang lang ang pag-uusapan, kakainin ka nanaman ng kalungkutan.

Laban lang. Ang mahalaga, lumalaban ka.

posted from Bloggeroid

Friday, April 01, 2016

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

She's a Paradox - or is She, Really?

"Why are you acting like this, over and over again?"
I asked myself.

"I don't know, either."
She answered.

I don't get her.

She's some self-centered bitch who likes attention, yet she's someone who can't stand being around a bunch of people.

She'd say she understands you, yet she will make you feel uncomfortable with who and how you are.

She'd try to hear you out, but when you're done talking, she'd start to point out everything that is wrong with what you have just said.

But she also says that she's willing to look past it. She says that as long as this makes you happy, it should not bother her that much.

She says that it's good, it's fine, it's nothing. But she betrays herself by feeling otherwise at the same time.

Why is she so complicated?

She doesn't deserve anyone. She ends up destroying them in the process of feeding herself. She's a self-centered monster. She knows it. She's aware of it. She doesn't enjoy it either... but she could not stop herself from doing it, over and over again.

See, that's what she is. That's how she is.

She'd cling so much to you that she'll suffocate you in the long run.
(I'm trying not to. I'm really trying so hard to beat this girl in my head.)

She'd drown you in her, she'd embrace you with what she thinks is love.
(Isn't this love?)

She'd poison you with tears, with shallow arguments, and unnecessary self-pitying drama.
(I know I'm stronger than this. I know I am.)

She'd drive you crazy for not understanding herself.
(I'm trying to, I swear.)

She's too strong, she can't even handle who she is.
(Am I? Can I?)

Or she's too weak, she doesn't know how to deal with it.
(I don't know what you're talking about anymore...)

But this girl is something.

Maybe, maybe not.

Oh god this is insane. What have I been doing?

Okay this isn't making any sense anymore.

You should start living your life instead.

I don't know...

I think it's just unfair for people to choose me, to choose self-destruction, to choose chaos.

Wait why are we talking about that again?

Aren't we done yet?

...

Tuesday, February 09, 2016

I Am

I’m lost.
The person I once was is fading into the darkness.
I am left here trapped, lonely, and frustrated.
There are a lot of things I wish I could do, but I couldn’t.
A lot of versions of myself I wish I am, but I wasn’t.
What have I done to myself?

I’m exhausted.
People expect me to be this, but I want to be that.
I think I am capable of choosing, but I am not.
At the process of making them happy, I’ve drained myself.
Now I’m thinking, “How can I possibly do something for others,
If I no longer have the energy and drive to do so?”

I’m no one.
I’ve always wanted to make a difference, to be someone.
But I’ve lost my senses, and I do not know who I am.
Constantly battling with my own thoughts and emotions,
Always searching for the right answers.
Who am I again?

It’s been a gloomy day, or has it been a year already?
I need to find my light, my fire, myself
I need to regain my enthusiasm, my positive force, my drive.
I do not expect you to understand what is happening,
But I am hoping that you’d let me do this. . .
Or the cycle will just go on, and on, and on.  –A.E. 2/9/16

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Monday, January 25, 2016

Friday, January 22, 2016

Stay Motivated


"Keep going,"
I keep on telling myself.
Some days are difficult, but it's only a matter of time, patience, and perseverance.

There are days when I just want to give things up. And on these days, the only thing that keeps me going is those people who believe in me - in who they think I am, in what they think I can do. It helps to be humble but it doesn't hurt to have something that can boost your confidence. It ignites your desire to keep going. It helps you have a sense of direction, something that guides you towards your goals. I am a dreamer with a lot of aspirations. Maybe I can't be everything I want to be now, but I am pretty sure that in a span of a year or two, I'll be closer to becoming that girl. That lady. That I'll be more than just a dreamer by then.

Keep going. Stay motivated. And most of all, do not let your desires die inside your heart. It deserves to be fuelled. But it isn't meant to be burned.