11:54 - just because I couldn't think of anything better to type in here

I think I've been really selfish and that I've been putting all the blame on you when you have been so patient in dealing with me and my irrationality. I'm too fed up, I get too emotional, and I am blowing everything on you. I am sorry.

I think I've been pushing you away every time you try to reach out to me. I don't know what I am up to, I don't know why am I acting that way, but really, I don't really understand myself too.

I'm tired of all the drama but I always end up making one. I'm sick of all the nonsense arguments but it seems like I'm the only one initiating a fight. I understand that you got tired of me, that you gave up in trying to understand me and my selfish ways. I get tired of myself too, most of the time.

I'm sorry if I make you feel unappreciated, I'm sorry if I keep on acting like this. Maybe I just don't know how to handle myself the way you do. I'm sorry if I act too dependent sometimes, I'm sorry if I don't know what else to say. This baggage is just too heavy that I needed to do something to let it out.

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You Motivate Me.

You push me to my limits, you make me want to prove something more. I think that's something that I'd be forever thankful for about you. You just had that "something" that helps me get focused on achieving my long term goals.

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And so she's back

Focus baby, focus. 

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She's Nowhere to be Found

There's this girl that I used to know

We were once so close and insep'rable

But life's been cruel and things have changed...

Light as a feather, she's been blown away

The idea of her is the only thing that remained

But that isn't enough for her presence to be felt...

I wish I could bring her back, but I just couldn't

Because the path she's chosen is far from where I am

She's gone too far, and she's gone too soon

I tried to wait but I get tired too

I used to believe that it'll be easy

That she'll come back when she starts missing me

But what's happening now? Please tell me.

The girl that I used to know is no longer here

She wanted to be free so I let her be

Isn't that what real love is?

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You're an A-hole.

You make me feel sick.
& I am tired of dealing with your bullshit.

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Is Anybody Out There?

I need you to listen to me...

I'm tired. I feel like I can't make it anymore. Nakakapagod kasi alam kong may mali, pero hindi ko maitama. I wanted to go back, and tell my parents "Magsshift na lang po ako."

I could have been happier.

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I feel bad. I feel worse. I feel worst.

Idk if I could still handle this.

My failures don't motivate me anymore. Another failing mark and I know for sure that it'll just bring me down further.

Save me.

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Okay Lang Ako.

Siyempre ako nanaman yung may mali, yung may kasalanan. Napaka-unreasonable ko kasi, mababaw, at mahirap intindihin. Sorry ha? Hindi ko kasi kayang ipaliwanag nang maayos sarili ko. At tuwing susubukan ko naman, wala namang nakakaintindi sa'kin. Ayoko lang naman makaabala pa sa'yo. Ayokong magmukhang laging nakaasa sa'yo. Eh wala eh, sa kagustuhan kong mapabuti at makauwi nang safe nang mas mabilis at wala nang naaabalang iba pang tao, ako pa'rin yung wala sa lugar. Aminado naman ako na may mali ako eh. Na 'di ko napaalam agad sa'yo. Oo nga naman, may usapan tayo. Napatanga tuloy kita at napaghintay sa wala. 'di ko naman intensiyon 'yon eh. Ngarag lang talaga yung utak ko dahil hindi ko alam kung paano makakauwi at nung tinext naman kita, ang tagal bago mo ako nareplyan. Hihintayin pa ba kita sa ganong lagay? Malaki na ako eh, kaya ko nang dumiskarte sa sarili ko dapat. Kaya sinubukan kong tumayo sa sarili kong paa at nilakasan ko yung loob ko. 

Siyempre hindi mo nanaman ako maiintindihan. Malabo ako eh. Ikaw ba, ni minsan, hindi ka nawala sa sarili mo at dumating sa point na 'di mo na naisip na naghihintay din ako? 'Yung pakiramdam nung iniwan mo nalang ako bigla at nagtext ka na nauna ka na, at itext nalang kita kung nakauwi na ako? Na buong akala ko noong araw na 'yon eh may lakad pa tayo. Tapos kinagabihan sasabihin mo sa'kin na akala mo susunod ako sa'yo. Matapos mo akong sabihan na magtext nalang ako pag nasa bahay na ako? 

Hindi ko alam. Pinipilit din naman kitang intindihin. Pero ngayon, nakakapagod lang. 'Yung pakiramdam na hindi na kasi okay ang lahat sa ibang aspeto ng buhay ko tapos dadagdag ka pa. Hindi kita sinisisi pero nakakabigla lang talaga. Itutulog ko nalang 'to. 

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Futuncertainty

Who will I be? What will I become? Where will I be working? Who am I gonna be with? 

Will the life I have chosen now bring me to the path that I ought to take? Or will it just make my journey go around the same circle? 

How will I be practicing my profession after graduating and passing the board exam? How will I be taking care of my own family while managing my career? 

Are the sacrifices that I am making now will be worth it in the future? Or will it just make me regret the chances that I should have had taken? 

The question “How do you see yourself in the next 10-15 years?” has always been catching me off-guard. It’s not that I do not have any plans for my future; it’s just that they aren’t that definite yet to be expressly described. 

The future scares me to the point that it makes me shrug off the idea of its existence and uncertainty. I want to cross the bridge when I get there . . . but how will I even get there without at least having a blueprint to guide me along the way? 

Or maybe I just want to take risks and decide impulsively.

But no, I don’t ever want to commit the same mistake again.

The next time I’d be making a big decision for myself, I’ll make sure that it would be something that I have really thought about. 

But sometimes it feels like it’s already too late to run away and change the direction that I am currently taking . . . just because I have already gone too far and it would hurt to simply give everything up. 

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Isn't It Ironic, Don't You Think?

Well, life has a funny way of sneaking up on you 

when you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out

when you think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face

Isn’t ironic when you thought you’ve already had everything in control but, the next thing you know is that you’re already losing them? Isn’t ironic when you were able to get something you’ve badly wanted and not realizing its worth afterwards? Isn’t it ironic how life tests our strength and courage by making us feel weak and terrified? Isn’t it ironic how our failures eventually help us succeed in life? Isn’t it ironic that the one thing you loved the most has the greatest power to tear you down? Life, indeed, has a funny way of turning things around.

            When I first entered San Beda College, my life is partially whole and partially beyond repair. I was going through a rough time moving on from a failure I have just had from my previous school. I was in the process of putting myself back together and redeeming what I have lost. I was not completely shattered because I still have these special people supporting me in every decision I make. I was not completely broken because I still had my faith intact within me.

It only took me a year to finally feel better again. The journey has not been easy. I have lost some things I thought I never would, and I have gained some which I thought I will never have. But the irony of life haunts me back. Just when I was able to redeem myself, I have lost the most important thing I have held on to when I almost had nothing left with me. My faith crushed down, my performance downgraded, and I have forgotten who I was. My failure made me tough and my success made me fragile. After a year of hard work, there I went again, losing what I have just achieved and what I have just had.

 One academic year had passed since then. Life, for me, is more different now. I have learned to brace myself for whatever might happen next. I have decided to bring back the person I have lost within me. I have conditioned myself to be more prepared this time around. I have figured that in order to survive this game of life, I must be willing to sacrifice a lot.

Being an Accountancy student demands countless things from me - time, effort, patience, hard work and perseverance, to name a few. The irony is that even when I seem to give almost everything I could, I would still end screwing up. Once I get too complacent, I would start losing everything again. That’s when I figured that something has to change, that even though life can be absurd sometimes, you have to find ways to move forward. I could have just chosen to just let it go, give it up, and stop struggling to win it.

But I didn’t.

Because this is what I am fighting for and I know why it is worth it. The beauty, actually, is in the irony of life. Without it, I will never have to wonder and question why things turn out differently. Without questioning, I will never have to try to understand things in a deeper perspective.  Without trying, I will never get to where I want to be. And without getting there, I will never get to see the beauty of life’s irony. 

This essay was originally submitted as a requirement for Auditorial (The Official Publication of the Department of Accountancy&Taxation of San Beda College-Manila)

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